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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to change our plans for one family?

232 replies

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:53

DD is about to turn 12 - her party is the weekend after next. She has recently got into the Back to the Future films and wants a few friends over for a "Back to the Future" themed afternoon/early evening (bit retro I know, but that's what she wants!), the main part of which will be watching the first film. That's fine with me, I think the films are entirely appropriate for that age group.

Anyway, one of her friends is from a very strict religious family. There are many things this girl is not allowed to do, including going anywhere on Sundays. Because of this we are having the party on the Saturday, even though Sunday would actually be more convenient as DD has a sports match on Saturday too.

She sent out an invitation a couple of days ago and most have already replied saying they are looking forward to it. The girl from the religious family sent an email last night - she said that although the party sounds fun and she would like to come, her parents (and her apparently) feel that Back to the Future is not an appropriate choice of film and could we change it?

DD is upset - she wants her friend to come but has been looking forward to this for a while now. I told her to think about it and not reply just yet.

What should we do?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/05/2012 11:22

I wouldn't do it as giving in to religious bucketheads - would just do it for the friend. Maybe love and kindness towards the friend will help her to liberate herself in the future. Isolation won't.

Original poster

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:24

Sock puppet [grink]

Oooh I forgot about the incest! (seen it so many times I glaze over now...)

They are always very pleasant when I talk to them but there's always this barrier which is a shame. I think it's ridiculous what they do but up to them of course. It shouldn't have to affect my dd though.

We could still change plans, but I don't want to. I am proud of dd for thinking of her friend and I told her that, but I also said it's your party and everyone else is ok with the film, so don't feel you have to change it.

OP posts:

ragged · 03/05/2012 11:24

My guess is that almost no movie your DD would like would be acceptable to the other family. So I would encourage your DD to browse for other movie choices, but not feel bad if she felt she had to stick to current plan and she could maybe do something the other family approves of with that girl, separately, another time.

LondonKitty · 03/05/2012 11:27

No, don't change the film. That is a ridiculous attitude for 12 year olds, and DD's friend and her parents shouldn't have their impolite behaviour reinforced. They are entitled to expect due regard and tolerance, but they can't expect another child's (very reasonable) birthday wishes to be superseded by their strict behaviours and rules.

Your dd and her friend will need to learn to give and take as they get older, but it can't be one-sided. DD's friend's parents clearly stand their ground, but they should show due regard for your beliefs and choices too. Time to stand your ground.

Politely respond that you've already changed the date to suit them because you would love DDF to be there. But also that DD is very excited about HER birthday movie and she is sure her friends will enjoy it too. Leave it up to them to figure out whether to decline or compromise.

GrahamTribe · 03/05/2012 11:28

Are the family Jehovah's Witnesses by any chance, kumakaka? Not that it makes any difference, it just sounds like a possibility and I'm being nosy interested to add to my knowledge of others' beliefs.

Original poster

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:28

oh crikey - obviously, not grink

OP posts:

TheSockPuppet · 03/05/2012 11:28

Sounds a pretty shakey religion if it can manage to be threatened by Michael J Fox in a pair of Farah slacks

Hahahaha :o

Original poster

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:31

They are Latter Day Saints.

I'm not sure what would be an acceptable film for them and I wonder how on earth they decide?! My younger dd went to a birthday for one of their kids (they have many!) and they watched Despicable Me.

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StanleyLambchop · 03/05/2012 11:31

If the party is themed around the film, how can you change the film without changing the theme- presumably at v. short notice?

How do these religious parents know the film is unsuitable- have they watched it themselves? (If so, are they not terrible sinners destined for damnation?) YANBU.

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 11:31

if your dd is taken with the whole BTTF thing at the moment, I can understand why she wants to have a party theme based on it and not some other film. Sounds like fun. If my dd were to have a film based party right now, it would be based around Stormbreaker because she absolutely loves the film. THat has violence (although resulting deaths not shown just indicated) but I wouldn't change the film to something else. I would understand it though if a family didn't want their dc to attend for that reason. I think this girl's family will undersand. You don't sound in the least confrontational and they must be used to finding their values are at odds with a lot of the people their dc come into contact with.

DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2012 11:35

Nope, don't change the film, your DD's friend's family religous views should affect their life choices, not everyone else's.

I would offer to have her come round after the film has finished for cake/food. But make it clear that you will not make changes for their DD. they have obviously been pandered too by other people not wanting to offend them, while it's ok to make sure their DD can participate in activities in the school on a school day, it's not acceptable to expect other people to make changes to their behaviour in their own homes in order to allow their DD to participate.

GrahamTribe · 03/05/2012 11:36

"They are Latter Day Saints"

Oh! Now you have me wanting to go read up and learn more about them instead of getting on with some work.

Hullygully · 03/05/2012 11:38

me too

DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2012 11:38

Stanley - it's probably just on a list of ones that they shouldn't watch.

mummytime · 03/05/2012 11:45

Latter day Saints are Mormons, not strict Baptists. She should also avoid chocolate and Coke.
They sound a bit extreme to me, I had Mormon babysitters, and apparat from offering them something other than Coke, Tea, Coffee to drink, they were pretty normal. They found the Brethern girls at school a bit odd (not that Brethern girls go to main stream schools around here any more).

ragged · 03/05/2012 11:45

Hold on a gosh-darn-minute, I even found a Mormon blogger recommending the BTF movies.

Otherwise most Mormons just tend to shun R- and worse ratings.

You will never satisfy this partic family.

Blu · 03/05/2012 11:46

I would support your dd in doing what she has planned for her b'day but also finding a way to accommodate some celebration with her friend. So inviting friend AFTER the film, or meeting friend at another time, say.

I think that is a good excercise in the two-way tolerance that this friendship will require. It shouldn't be necessary in a friendship for dd's friend to expect dd always to conform to her own boundaries - nor should your dd take it personally if her friend doesn't always want to join in everything she does.

Make it an excercise in constructive negotiation.

The friendship won't survive, anyway, if your dd always has to observe the friend's limits and beliefs.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 03/05/2012 11:50

Hmmmmm........here's your explanation:

""In Mormonism, it's believed that exposure to violent, sexual, or otherwise obscene content (regardless of rating) damages spirituality by distancing the viewer from the Holy Spirit. LDS apostle David A. Bednar explains that "if something we think, see, hear, or do distances us from the Holy Ghost, then we should stop thinking, seeing, hearing, or doing that thing. If that which is intended to entertain, for example, alienates us from the Holy Spirit, then certainly that type of entertainment is not for us.?

To put it in more colloquial terms, former church leader Joe J. Christensen said, "it is very unreasonable to suppose that exposure to profanity, nudity, sex, and violence has no negative effects on us. We can?t roll around in the mud without getting dirty.""

Don't change the movie, just let her come afterwards. Poor girl, I feel really sorry for her (and your DD).

Vixxen · 03/05/2012 11:50

They can't expect you to change the entier theme of the party for one child. Although if other people change plans for them all the time then they sound like they expect it.

I think you should go ahead with the party, let them know that DD is sad her friend can't come but that the invitation remains open if they were to change their mind.

Original poster

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:51

Laughing at Ragged searching for Mormon blogs!

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squoosh · 03/05/2012 11:53

To be honest you'd be hard pushed to find a film that would appeal to such strict sensibilities.

I think inviting her to join the party pre film/post film is more than accommodating. That way you're being respectful of her beliefs yet not jumping though hoops her either.

Original poster

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:57

Wow you lot are a mine of information. I can sort of see their point in a way - as Christians there are things we have not let our dcs do - yoga for example - but they are few and far between. I do respect that if you follow a certain faith it's all of nothing, you can't pick and choose, but they are just more extreme than us. The main thing is I am so proud of dd for offering to change the film out of kindness to her friend.

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GinPalace · 03/05/2012 12:03

That's interesting - why is yoga a no-no for christians? :)

runningforthebusinheels · 03/05/2012 12:04

Why wouldn't you let them do yoga?

GinPalace · 03/05/2012 12:05

Ah well - that is, assume it is the religious connection with the spiritual side - but does that extend to when you practice it is as purely exercise?

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