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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to change our plans for one family?

232 replies

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:53

DD is about to turn 12 - her party is the weekend after next. She has recently got into the Back to the Future films and wants a few friends over for a "Back to the Future" themed afternoon/early evening (bit retro I know, but that's what she wants!), the main part of which will be watching the first film. That's fine with me, I think the films are entirely appropriate for that age group.

Anyway, one of her friends is from a very strict religious family. There are many things this girl is not allowed to do, including going anywhere on Sundays. Because of this we are having the party on the Saturday, even though Sunday would actually be more convenient as DD has a sports match on Saturday too.

She sent out an invitation a couple of days ago and most have already replied saying they are looking forward to it. The girl from the religious family sent an email last night - she said that although the party sounds fun and she would like to come, her parents (and her apparently) feel that Back to the Future is not an appropriate choice of film and could we change it?

DD is upset - she wants her friend to come but has been looking forward to this for a while now. I told her to think about it and not reply just yet.

What should we do?

OP posts:
skateboarder · 03/05/2012 11:08

I would say to your dd that its her party. She chooses to swap the party and her friend comes or she doesnt and risks the friend not coming.
As hully gully points out there will be similar choices throughout life.

NatashaBee · 03/05/2012 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 11:09

I wouldn't change the film. You said the party was based around that theme. It is your dd's party and not their show. You may as well try and move the party to Sunday if you can. Invite the girl over for a sleepover next week , if that is permitted or just for tea.

elinorbellowed · 03/05/2012 11:10

Don't change the film, it's what your DD has chosen. It's not as if you are showing The LIfe of Brian. Her friend will be reaching an age where she will be questioning these decisions soon and hopefully she will rebel.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2012 11:11

this family are opposed to the slight violence and kissing

That rules out Mary Poppins as well then..... Confused

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:11

I find it amazing that she hasn't rebelled already tbh. She has missed several Sunday parties and it must be awful for her going into school on Monday when they're all talking about it.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 03/05/2012 11:12

I wouldn't alter the choice of film and 'd make damn sure that my reply, although as courteous as I could muster, was very brief and didn't once include the word "sorry". How very rude of the friend's family.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:12

I can just imagine DD's face if I suggested Mary Poppins! Even her 7yo sister feels she is a little too grown up for that Grin

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 11:13

the friend is used to missing out on these events then. Go ahead with what your dd wanted and you had planned and since she likes this girl very much, I would invite her round on her own another time so she doesn't feel too left out.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2012 11:14

Part of growing up is realising that some of your friends have completely different boundaries to you.

Normally by senior school if those boundaries don't change, friends will end up drifting apart anyway because the relationship becomes unworkable.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:14

I offered to speak to the mum, but DD said "oh, please don't". Hmm

I would just say "DD told me you're not happy with the film but she really wants that one and I am fine with it so maybe your DD would like to come afterwards for the food and cake?"

OP posts:
elinorbellowed · 03/05/2012 11:14

Where does it say in the bible that kissing is a sin! Ridiculous.

totallypearshaped · 03/05/2012 11:15

Blimey, they keep your DDs friend on a short leash.
Ime it's these ones who go totally wild when they're in their teens...

Enjoy the party, and know you did your best to accommodate everyone, and that there is no accounting for taste!

fedupofnamechanging · 03/05/2012 11:15

I'd be bloody furious if I was hosting a party and these parents turned up to check nothing inappropriate was happening. That is so rude. I would have no hesitation in turfing them out of my house. Cheeky sods!

squoosh · 03/05/2012 11:15

Is it the hint of incest they object to?

I'd still say 'no. sorry we can't change it'.

I love Back to the Future!

TheSockPuppet · 03/05/2012 11:17

Tell her it was a choice between back to the future or rocky horror picture show so you've already chosen the least offensive film - unless she'd rather rocky horror? :o

GinPalace · 03/05/2012 11:17

It might also be worth letting the parents know that, whilst most people are happy to accommodate them and often/usually have/do, it would really help if the requests for special considerations arrived sooner rather than later, as plans/expectations and accepted invitations are based on existing plans and last minute or late changes can cause all sorts of complications / upset.

Maybe the parents haven't thought of this and I am sure if they are so diligent to observe their views of right behaviour they won't want to be inconsiderate if they can help it.

To be honest it is the slow response which would nark me off and make me less inclined to accommodate them than the request itself IYSWIM. Because if I was going to make a request to the host for alterations I would make sure it was flagged up rapidly so as not to disrupt any more than necessary.

solidgoldbrass · 03/05/2012 11:20

NEver mind what they object to, it will be bullshit, because they are nutters. By all means offer to let this poor kid come round after the film but don't let the parents in to 'supervise' - why should a pair of nutters be allowed to crash into another kid's party and ruin the atmosphere by sitting there with catsbumfaces?

And gently encourage your DD to maintain the friendship and support her poor friend as she gets old enough to realise that her stupid parents are spoiling her youth, and to question them and rebel.

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 11:20

I would just say: "I'm sorry dd won't be able to attend because ofthe film. We would have loved to have her here for the party." Finish

THe thing is if you don't want your dd to attend parties on Sunday, that is your choice but you cannot expect people to work around that. You also cannot really request that other parents go about the party differently IMO. It is the way it is and you can either let your dc attend or not attend. I wouldn't dream of asking someone to change party arrangements to suit us.

peanutbutter38 · 03/05/2012 11:20

am trying to think what might be deemed inappropriate in Back To The Future.
Seriously, what's wrong with this family?
I despite it when people are controlled by religion in this way, allowing it to brainwash every thought process. It's a bad advert for any organised faith.
That poor girl who I dearly hope rebels at the earliest possible opportunity and becomes a Goth, gets lots of tattoos etc

Merrylegs · 03/05/2012 11:20

I would ask 'not an appropriate choice of film for who(m)'?

Sounds a pretty shakey religion if it can manage to be threatened by Michael J Fox in a pair of Farah slacks.

Have the party at a time and a theme that suits you and invite the BFF over another time for tea and bible study.

solidgoldbrass · 03/05/2012 11:21

It's a really bad idea to give in to religious bucketheads. If they don't like it, they can fuck off.

Hullygully · 03/05/2012 11:21

The person I would be most concerned about is your dd's friend. Yes it's dd's birthday, but everyday is a party for her compared to her friend.

It would be really sad if the friend got completely isolated and lost dd's friendship because of her parents.

I think I would change the film and then watch Back to the Future the other 364 days of the year - friendship before celluloid and all that.

Theoscargoesto · 03/05/2012 11:21

One issue for me is where to draw the line. I appreciate this is a particular friend, but if another child did not want to see BTTF because they had watched it over and over, would you change the film? and then once changed, what if someone else doesn't like that choice? It's your dd's party, so do what she wants to do.

squoosh · 03/05/2012 11:22

He does snog his Mum! I bet that's it.

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