Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to change our plans for one family?

232 replies

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:53

DD is about to turn 12 - her party is the weekend after next. She has recently got into the Back to the Future films and wants a few friends over for a "Back to the Future" themed afternoon/early evening (bit retro I know, but that's what she wants!), the main part of which will be watching the first film. That's fine with me, I think the films are entirely appropriate for that age group.

Anyway, one of her friends is from a very strict religious family. There are many things this girl is not allowed to do, including going anywhere on Sundays. Because of this we are having the party on the Saturday, even though Sunday would actually be more convenient as DD has a sports match on Saturday too.

She sent out an invitation a couple of days ago and most have already replied saying they are looking forward to it. The girl from the religious family sent an email last night - she said that although the party sounds fun and she would like to come, her parents (and her apparently) feel that Back to the Future is not an appropriate choice of film and could we change it?

DD is upset - she wants her friend to come but has been looking forward to this for a while now. I told her to think about it and not reply just yet.

What should we do?

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 03/05/2012 12:58

Back to the future ? seems OK to me I cannot see what wrong with it. Do not change plans but agree tell them when film is likely to be on and come after. This family is up for a BIG rebellion later on in that child's life.

chakracleansing · 03/05/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 03/05/2012 13:05

If they object to BTTF on moral grounds (rather than artistic ones) I think you would be very hard pushed to find a film the do approve of.

Unless they have a stack of 'suitable' films they are hoping to share with DD and her heathen friends?

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 13:05

every yoga teacher will see it as more than a form of exercise. It will always be about increasing spiritual awareness too, regardless of the teacher's particular faith, otherwise it isn't yoga IMO

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 13:06

It's just our decision not to let the dcs do yoga. I don't have all the answers but we feel that as Christians yoga would be spiritually questionable for us. That's all. There are plenty of other things we can do.

I will ask dd's friend to come over after the film, if dd is ok with that.

OP posts:
bochead · 03/05/2012 13:10

The yoga thing has got me all twisted in knots now, as I'm Christian, and have just signed up my son in the hope it'll have theraputic benefits for his Autism. Never crossed my mind to think about it in terms of theology : (

I'm more than happy to accomodate other people's belief's. DS's best friend has a mother who is VERY strictly Muslim & you can only see her eyes in public. She used to just drop her kid off and go, and vica versa. She's present at most playdates etc nowadays only cos she's wonderful company and is becoming an amazing friend to me in her own right. (If the kid's fell out she'd still be round at mine for a cuppa on a regular basis).

We respect each other, and if it's my turn to cook I double check the meat is halal, she does the same re dairy-free for my son's intolerance. I need to check Ramadan dates with her soon to ensure the boys can both enjoy my lad's birthday celebration - she wouldn't expect me to disrupt Xmas or Easter for her.

At no point do either of us DICTATE what the other one can and cannot do in their OWN home, or "monitor" or " supervise" another parent's parenting skills - that's so rude & insulting! There those whose parenting I don't approve of so I gently refuse invites and steer my kid away from theirs. You can be "busy", no need to be insulting. (DS still hasn't forgiven me for not allowing him to watch "Chucky" with his classmates in year 1.)

I do think there's an element of this that has nothing to do with religeous beliefs and instead is about an over-inflated sense of entitlement/superority on the part of this poor child's parents. Are they OK with other parents "supervising" anything they organise? I suspect they'd be mortally offended if anyone tried (& I would cos the only person indoctrinating my kid is me lol!).

The annoying thing is that people tend to tip toe around fundamentalist types due to some sort misguided political correctness when occasionally they need to be called out on their own intolerance.

I would speak to the child's parents to let them know:-
1/ You've aready altered the date with inconvenience to yourself to include their child.
2/ You would appreciate more notice of any accomodations they need in future.
3/ Their daughter is still MORE than welcome to be dropped off after the film and to enjoy the food and conversation with her friends. Do tell tell them what time they can COLLECT her. (Ordinary 12 year olds need no more supervision than the hosts parents, unless special needs).

GinPalace · 03/05/2012 13:11

FWIW I think not doing yoga due to its religious aspects, is reasonable for a christian.

2rebecca · 03/05/2012 13:11

Agree the family are being rude by not politely declining. Their "religious reason" for not wanting their kid to see the film is no more valid than a parent saying "x doesn't like that sort of film" or "x has seen it". When it's their party they get to decide on the film, your party you get to decide.
I would go with "sorry x won't be coming to the film but she is welcome afterwards if you would be happy to drop her off and leave her from 6 until 8 or whatever.
It's a shame for the girl to have such strict parents but it's your daughter's birthday not hers.

besmirchedandbewildered · 03/05/2012 13:11

Your DD is 12, she is a big girl, it's her party, I think you should discuss it with her and she should make the final decision.

PiedWagtail · 03/05/2012 13:14

Agree with the others - say no, it's your dd's party and that's the film she'd like. Some people!!!! Could your dd have her friend round for tea another time??

Iactuallydothinkso · 03/05/2012 13:15

I've had this with my younger dd friend. It was my dd 11th birthday party. I showed mum a stack of films I thought were ok. She picked out a few. My dd really wanted to watch one particular, all her other friends were allowed except this one. my dd decided she would rather have the friend than watch the film so that's what we did.

I'm not saying its ideal but that's what my dd chose.

I don't know whether it's being rude or anything but sometimes you have to be more tolerant than others.

JustFab · 03/05/2012 13:19

Poor girl. She isn't going to have any friends left soon. Maybe that is the parents intention.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/05/2012 13:24

I'm an aerobics instructor and I remember years ago when I was looking to hire a church hall I looked at one particular hall and they misunderstood what I taught and thought it was yoga. They called me to say that they wouldnt let me have the hall because I taught yoga and I then told them I was gonna teach aerobics in there. They couldnt tell me fast enough that ok yes, I could have the hall after all. Needless to say I told them I wouldnt bother!

Def dont change the film! I love BTTF - have the box set :)

bochead · 03/05/2012 13:26

I also think everyone has "off" days, but that this child's parents have been allowed to get away with treating others with an awful degree of disrepect for a long time now. This isn't just one incident, it's a cumulative, ongoing problem. That's why I do think it's time to talk to the parents about their lack of respect for others, BEFORE this kid ends up isolated and alone, and alienated from her famiy because of it. These girls are soon to enter adolescence, always a vulnerable time.

Sadly a young woman with no friends and parents with no connections to the real world is the perfect target for the nasty predators and abusers out there in the big wide world. Too many adult battered wives come from backgrounds like this girl's, it starts with a bit of gentle teen rebellion against seemingly unreasonable parental restrictions and then a more worldly male shows and interest and then Bam!

SarahStratton · 03/05/2012 13:30

Hullygully Thu 03-May-12 12:21:07
Don't worry, I have given up jokes!

:(

And boy are that family going to have fun when their DD rebels.

bruxeur · 03/05/2012 13:30

They're Mormons, right? How about a documentary?

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 13:33

have they been treating other people with disrespect up to now? I didn't pick up on that. I thought there was this one request to change the film and that their dd hadn't attended any parties held on Sundays.

bochead · 03/05/2012 13:41

ZZZZenAgain - Do YOU "supervise" other parents parties?

Help out or lend a hand - yeah, but "supervise"? Confused

Pixieonthemoor · 03/05/2012 13:44

Crikey did they ban Sesame Street when the girl was little, as Bert and Ernie were clearly shacked up together?! That poor poor child - you can imagine just how much fun her teens are going to be. Not only are her parents nutters, but downright rude to boot. You have already changed the day at some inconvenience to yourself to accommodate them (which I do feel should be pointed out to them) and they can bog off if they think that they can dictate the plans of everyone else. But I do think inviting the poor girl for the post-film section of the party is a great idea and good compromise (for the sake of your dd and her friend, not her mad parents).

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 13:50

Just spoke to DH about it and he agrees invite the friend for after the film but point out to the parents that we've checked the rating etc for the film and feel it's totally suitable. He also wants me to say I arranged the party for Saturday to accomodate them but not decided if I'm brave enough yet. I'm getting better at being assertive but still hate confrontation!

OP posts:
Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 13:52

Oh and should reiterate they are always very pleasant and friendly when I meet them. I think the mum would be open to discussing this, just trying to work out what to say, so thanks for all your help.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2012 13:53

me? No. Didn't pick up on them having supervised other parties before

totallypearshaped · 03/05/2012 13:56

What?! have I missed something

Now the parents are coming too to supervise - gosh have they not got the retinal implant installed yet!!! Paranoid much?

Well hope they have been checked by the Police. I certainly would not be happy to send my 12 yo to a house with random parents I was not expecting to be there "watching". It's too creepy.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 13:57

They have stayed at parties before to check what was going on.

OP posts:
totallypearshaped · 03/05/2012 13:58

Sarah - part of me will be cheering her on.... and just hoping that she doesn't OD on fizzy pop.