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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think my daughter should be made to use a changing room..

435 replies

hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:34

When getting changed after swimming with her Dad?

He told me today that she received a telling off ("major roasting" were his words) for refusing to use her own changing room after he took her swimming. He felt that it wasn't appropriate for her to get changed out in the open because there were other men about in the room.

She's 5.

I obviously think he's BU and I know exactly why I do but interested in what others think before I bang on about why he's BU - If that makes any sense!!

OP posts:
Maleeka · 04/12/2011 23:06

Oh come on, just how small is this cubicle! Good grief he needs to suck it up!!! If he wants a 5 yr old to go in on her own and gives her a "roasting" because she wont, then he should be able to !!

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 23:07

Your posts appear a little warped

Graciescotland · 04/12/2011 23:07

To be fair it's not necessarily the idea that someone would see her as something other than a baby but that seeing a naked child in some way implies that they've done something wrong.

I was a in a shopping centre years ago and there was a woman pushing a little girl in a buggy and she was nude from the waist down legs akimbo. I was mortified in case somebody had seen that I'd seen and that I'd be forever labelled a pervert because I'd happened to glance down.

Obviously that was an over-reaction on my part because I was young and daft. However, there's a lot of blokes that'd react that way to a naked child in the changing room. They'd also feel really awkward if she'd seen them naked. I'm not saying that it's right just I can see his pov.

That said five is probably a bit too young to get dressed on her own.

muffinflop · 04/12/2011 23:08

Am quite shocked at the replies you've got! My 5 year old DD gets changed in the men's changing rooms. She's used to seeing her dad naked so doesn't blink an eye at other men getting changed. And as for men storing up her imagine to use for wank material (or whatever was said upthread) that's just vile! My 6 year old DS also gets changed in the female changing rooms without a care in the world and not oggling women's boobs.

Making a fuss of getting changed in front of others just causes anxieties further on in life and I'm talking from experience!

isitmidnightalready · 04/12/2011 23:08

Oh - we do have a lovely hypocrite here..... OP's daughter has to go in small cubicle even though she is afraid of small spaces, but he can't join her because he (grown man) is scared of small spaces. Somebody needs to give him a major roasting!

pictish · 04/12/2011 23:09

Her dad should have been helping her get changed in a cubicle.
5 is too young to do it alone....but I agree that she should be in a cubicle.

MenopausalHaze · 04/12/2011 23:09

I also don't understand it - and have suffered through it twice trying to fully grasp it. I suspect there's nothing to grasp and the OP is, as has already been intimated, quite desperately unhinged.

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:10

But Worral that is my point! The reason wasn't to protect the men's embarrasment! If it was then I wouldn't mind. Its the suggestion that the men would be getting off on her naked body and therefore she should hide it away - even though she is only 5 and her body resembles that of a rather large, long baby.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 23:10

A dad does not want strangers looking at his daughters naked body. That is a bloody fair comment.

A dad does not want his daughter seeing a load of naked strangers.... which is fair enough too.

It is nothing to do with sexualisation, paedophilia, child abuse or the tooth fairy... it is to do with having consideration for others.

FFSEnid · 04/12/2011 23:10

Its not about the girls 'hiding themselves away', its about the men having privacy in a mens changing room. Its dependent on the layout of the room. If there are 10 men and 1 girl and one cubicle then its appropriate for the girl to use the cubicle. If there are loads of cubicles and all the men who want privacy can have one then it makes no difference where the girl changes on a practical level, although perhaps on a pecking order level.

Also changing in a cubicle in the same changing room as the parent is a step in the direction of changing in the changing room without a parent. She might have to use the womens on her own when she is 6, and certainly she will be by the time she is 8 so learning to get on with it and do as she is told is valuable.

Pantofino · 04/12/2011 23:12

I would say that most 5 yos - faced with a naked body of any persuasion - would think NOTHING of it. They are more likely to highly embarrass you by making an inappropriate comment - ooh look isn't she hairy - than they are to suffer in any way at all.

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 23:12

Hairnets.... sadly some men DO get their kicks out of seeing a naked child. Sadly, swimming pools are one of the areas where it HAS been known for this to occur and your childs father was trying to be protective of her. What on earth is wrong with that?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 23:13

OP, do you have an issue with this man who is taking her swimming ?

or not ?

if you could make that clear, it might help

I am not even quite clear what relationship he is to you/her

is he your ex ? her father ?

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:13

She could use the women's changing room on her own now. She's very independant. She just doesn't like small spaces.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 23:15

How does she cope going to the toilet then if she doesnt like small spaces?

AnyoneforTurps · 04/12/2011 23:15

But some men are paedophiles, so you can hardly blame your ex for thinking of this or suggest that he is inappropriately sexualising your DD by worrying about paedophilia. It's not his fault that some men see young children as sexual objects, but you seem to be blaming him.

Now I'm not saying that this necessarily means your DD had to be in a cubicle - I'd agree that your ex was a bit paranoid. But you seem to be slamming him for even having the thought that there might be paedophiles present which is a bit mad & unfair. Surely it's good that he worries about your DD's safely, even if he is a bit OTT?

pictish · 04/12/2011 23:15

Its the suggestion that the men would be getting off on her naked body and therefore she should hide it away - even though she is only 5 and her body resembles that of a rather large, long baby

yeah well...sad thought it is, there are a few twisted individuals out there who are rather titillated by your daughter resembling a rather large, long baby. They are commonly known a paedophiles. Yes, they are a rarity, and while i certainly don't waste any of my time worrying about them, if a cubicle is there, you're as well to use it eh?

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:16

I generally don't have an issue with him, he is my ex although we weren't together very long. He is a fab dad in many ways but is a horribly misogenist and reader of Nuts/ Zoo, frequenter of strip clubs and believer that women are sex objects. I guess I struggle with the fact that foolishly I procreated with him and now my DD, who I want to raise to believe she is more than a sex object, is having these small messages passed her way every time she's with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:17

If she goes to the toilet in a public toilet I go in with her or she leaves the door open.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 23:18

But Worral that is my point! The reason wasn't to protect the men's embarrasment! If it was then I wouldn't mind. Its the suggestion that the men would be getting off on her naked body and therefore she should hide it away - even though she is only 5 and her body resembles that of a rather large, long baby

Yeah but reading your own posts and your reactions to the posts on here, it would seem you share his view Confused

A lot of people have no respect whatsoever for men and view them all as perverted kiddy fiddlers.

But my personal opinion is simply that I don't think it's fair for a child to be surrounded by naked men with their hairy cocks and arses hanging out. I think a degree of modesty is a good thing when it comes to children of either sex.

Some will disagree with me and that's fine. But I think her Dad should have either taken her into the cubicle (not all of them are small) or sent her in to start drying herself and then come to help her when he was dressed.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/12/2011 23:18

Am I missing something? I thought the OP itself made sense.

The dad insists his DD, who doesn't like small spaces, should use one. He gave her a 'major roasting' for refusing.

Let's leave everything else out for a minute - now is it ok that he should give her a big, angry telling-off because she is scared?

And it's not as if he doesn't understand why she was disobedient - because he himself won't go in the changing room because he doesn't like small spaces.

I know some people will disagree and say a five year old should never disobey, but I can understand the OP feeling upset that her daughter has been punished for disobeying when she is afraid - and I think we can all agree the dad's approach is pretty lacking if he tells her off but won't go in the changing room with her either.

That's what struck me about it, anyway.

The point about sexualisation/nudity/whatever ... well, TBH I think small naked children are normal in swimming pools if you go to the general swimming session; if men don't like their penises to be on display they could use a cubicle; if they child doesn't like to be naked in front of others, she can. Simple.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 23:20

Oh and if she's showing signs of claustraphobia it's best you take her to your GP

aubergineinautumn · 04/12/2011 23:21

Well in the 80s my dad wouldn't take me swimming until I was old enough to go into the ladies changing room alone. I thought this was normal?

On the other hand, back then you would see young kids running around naked on the beach- you never see that these days. I think generally people are very reserved about child nudity in public places ATM.

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:22

I dont share his view Confused

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 23:22

OK

I am getting it now (it's been a long weekend)

Your ex is a twat

he is pushing your 5 yo dd into using a cubicle because of his own twisted issues, and making her worry about stuff that shouldn't even be entering her psyche

and when she doesn't want to (because she doesn't understand his issues, and thank god she doesn't) he bullies her

I don't like the sound of him, and tbh, I would be considering whether swimming was an appropriate activity for him to take her on his own

if he sees ravening peedos in every changing room, I would be wondering what was going on in his head, tbh