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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think my daughter should be made to use a changing room..

435 replies

hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:34

When getting changed after swimming with her Dad?

He told me today that she received a telling off ("major roasting" were his words) for refusing to use her own changing room after he took her swimming. He felt that it wasn't appropriate for her to get changed out in the open because there were other men about in the room.

She's 5.

I obviously think he's BU and I know exactly why I do but interested in what others think before I bang on about why he's BU - If that makes any sense!!

OP posts:
Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:53

Worral Im not reading in to it. That wasn't the reason. The reason was that he didn't want her to be naked in front of men because "who knows what they would be thinking about"

OP posts:
Maleeka · 04/12/2011 22:53

Ok so you have clarified that all he wanted was for her to use the cubicle, why didnt he go in with her if she is scared of small spaces?

SantasENormaSnob · 04/12/2011 22:53

She is not a baby.

My dh wouldn't want to get changed in front of someone elses 5 year old.

onefatcat · 04/12/2011 22:54

If dad told her she needs to go in a cubicle then she should. His reasons seem a bit Hmm though- if anyone is embarassed to see a naked 5 year old they need be questioning themselves.

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:55

At five years old, I would have felt uncomfortable being naked in front of strangers.... men or women.

I also think it is about showing some respect for the men in there, who may have felt uncomfortable being naked in front of a strange child.

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:56

It's a fairly obvious link... If there are men about who are having inappropriate thoughts then it is my daughter responsibility to hide herself away.
Thus, when she is an adult if she flaunts herself it is her own fault if some poor helpless man attacks her.

We are living in a country where most women don't report rape and those who do almost never get a conviction. The responsibility is put on women to make sure they don't lead men in to temptation.

Maybe should have posted this on women's rights.

OP posts:
FFSEnid · 04/12/2011 22:57

He was the adult in charge and she wouldn't do as she was told so he told her off. Not unreasonable imo. DD has come out with some real cringeworthy comments in male changing rooms (no cubicles at our gym).

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:58

Also... these other men that were in the changing room... do their wives not allow their daughters to change in front of them? Come to think about it - maybe I should stop her changing in front of her Dad.. who knows what he may be thinking about. And her Grandad.. and my partner.

OP posts:
InfiniteFairylights · 04/12/2011 22:58

I would rather that my DD's dad looked was with her when she got changed. 5 is too young to have that kind of 'independence' forced on them

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:59

You sound quite unhinged actually. Confused

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:59

I concede that if his reasons were because the other men may be embarrassed I wouldn't have minded a jot.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 04/12/2011 22:59

Most of the posts have been about lack of supervision not offering herself up to sex offenders!

Pantofino · 04/12/2011 23:00

I am totally conflummuxed by this point of view that little children should never be naked and that swimming pools are filled with Peadophiles. If you don't trust him to take her swimming without incident then you go yourself. Off to bed.

slavetofilofax · 04/12/2011 23:00

YABVU.

This man is her Dad, and if he felt uncomfortable with his little girl getting undressed in front of strangers, I don't se how you can have a problem with that. I can also understand why he wouldn't want her seeing other men while they were changing. And I can see why other men wouldn't want her to see them changing.

And you think that your ex is sick because he worries about what other men might be thinking? Confused

Do you have any idea how common sexual abuse is towards children? It does happen, and it probably happens way more than you think. Not that your dd was at risk, because she was with a parent who loves her, but your ex is right to not want strangers looking at her.

bigeyes · 04/12/2011 23:00

op re your last post he was just being protective i suppose. i think yabu she shud do as she told too.

Maleeka · 04/12/2011 23:01

hmm you are really getting all bent out of shape about this arent you, just because you didnt get the reply you wanted.

Again, why didnt he just go into the cubicle with her?

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:01

Maleeka, he wouldnt go in with her because he doesnt like small spaces either and prefers to get changed in the open space.

OP posts:
littleducks · 04/12/2011 23:02

I don't agree with your opinion at all, we regularly have threads that end up with a huge split between those who dont mind young boys being in the female changing room and those who do. Its the same thing.

But I really think you are making mountains out of molehills here. She misbehaved and was told off, sounds like reasonable parenting. He has taken her swimming (which she likes?) and is setting up a system of doing things that will ensure she gets to go swimming with him as she gets older, as you and he are no longer together and as a single parent it is more awkward for him than if you were together and she could go in the ladies with you.

I expect you will disagree with him multiple times as she gets older but you really need to stand back and let him parent in his time with her.

GlitterySkulls · 04/12/2011 23:03

it not her fault, or her responsibility at all, but i, personally, wouldn't like some perv ogling my child & storing up wank material.

that doesn't mean every man is a pervert or a sex offender or whatever, it just means that in public, you can never be 100 o/o certain who's around, & i would prefer it if my child wasn't put in that position in the first place.

Pantofino · 04/12/2011 23:04

I STILL don't get the rape link! Rape doesn't happen because someone goes about skimpily dressedl. Rape happens because some bastard wants power and control and thinks he should have it.

Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:04

I have stood back, I havent said anything to him as I know I have to just let him get on with it when she's with him. I can still have an opinion though.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:05

Yes I know that Panto. But there are a lot of people who don't agree. So, my point is that I want DD to know that no matter how naked she is - a man's actions aren't her fault or responsibility.

OP posts:
Tmesis · 04/12/2011 23:05

I don't believe anyone suggested that any of the men were likely to "not help themselves".

But if there are men's and women's changing rooms (which there are in this case) it doesn't seem unreasonable for a female who has to use the men's changing room should use a cubicle, if one is available. It's about making everyone feel comfortable, including the men in the changing room who don't necessarily want to strip off in front of a 5yo girl and have their penises dangling around at her eye level.

From the point of view of whether men can "help themselves" or not, a woman ought to be able to can-can naked through the men's changing rooms. But I don't think it would be unreasonable to suggest that perhaps, from a social point of view, she shouldn't.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 23:05

I can honestly say I don't understand the Op, nor the subsequent posts by her

If I'm reading it right, you think this man who took her to the swimming pool is seeing a 5yo as being inappropriately sexualised

But then I don't understand why he woud be taking her swimming in the fist place, if that were the case

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 23:06

Blimey OP, talk about reading responses and going off on a tangent.

It's nothing to do with your Daughter hiding herself away, rape, women's rights or short skirts.

The men in that changing room have every right not to have to undress in front of your DD if it makes them feel awkward.

If there's a cubicle there, her Dad should have taken her into it...small space or not.

Your appears a little warped I'm afraid.