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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not think my daughter should be made to use a changing room..

435 replies

hairnets · 04/12/2011 22:34

When getting changed after swimming with her Dad?

He told me today that she received a telling off ("major roasting" were his words) for refusing to use her own changing room after he took her swimming. He felt that it wasn't appropriate for her to get changed out in the open because there were other men about in the room.

She's 5.

I obviously think he's BU and I know exactly why I do but interested in what others think before I bang on about why he's BU - If that makes any sense!!

OP posts:

EauDeLaPoisson · 04/12/2011 23:52

Squeakytoy im confused- you've said in the past you think porn is fine/enjoy it yet think an innocent 5 year old needs to 'cover up'??
WTAF???? Skewed sense of reality or what?

MillyR · 04/12/2011 23:53

PenguinArmy, have there been threads on here about boys under 8 using female changing rooms? I have only seen threads about older boys on here.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 23:55

Good post lisaro but sadly it'll be wasted on the 'all men are bastards brigade'

I was told in the summer that she had to wear a swimsuit or bikini at the local outdoor pool when she was running about in her knickers. Apparently it was for her own safety

I didn't post about the swimming pool thing... Ive only been on here a few months, sorry

Oh really? Well I'm sure if you search MN archives...way back to just a few months ago you'll find someone who posted the exact same scenario and she also had this odd opinion that bikinis are an adult garment

Perhaps you should dig it out and read it.....

EauDeLaPoisson · 04/12/2011 23:55

Some people just think naked body= sexual kicks for everyone. Its a very bizzare way of thinking. Not everyone gets a lob on when they see a naked body of a child adult or martian ffs.

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 23:55

ffs... yes, I do think soft porn, adult porn, for adults is fine... that is completely irrelevant to my views on THIS thread though..

I do not think a child should be naked in front of strangers in a communal changing room full of naked men. I think it is uncomfortable for the adults who are changing, and possibly uncomfortable for the child too.

Porn has got nothing to do with it.

Original poster

hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:56

She certainly hasnt yet developed any of this "modesty" which yes I think is to be celebrated. I'm sure she'll spend her whole adult life having modesty forced upon her, society will see to that. Enforcing it upon her at 5 is very sad IMO and a sign of the increasingly sexualised society we live in.

If she really had to be in a small space she could cope with it, it's not a true true phobia. But she doesnt like it at all and does get a bit panicy. I imagine that being forced to do it (else get a proper telling off) when she had no concept of why it was so essential, would have got her even more nervous about the idea.

OP posts:

lisaro · 04/12/2011 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/12/2011 23:57

squeaky - but this five year old is not you. She doesn't feel like you. She, like many other five year olds, does not yet seem to have developed this sense that she'd be embarrassed to be seen naked.

I expect you're right different people use different terms, but I think you're missing my point that if this child was scared to be in the cubicle, her dad could have said 'ok, I will hold up the towel and you'll change behind it' or he could have put aside his dislike of small spaces and gone in with her, or stood in front of the open door blocking the space but talking to her so she felt less closed in.

There were lots of possible solutions he chose not to take. I think that's wrong when the child was scared, and the dad just told her off.

I also think that if the child doesn't yet feel embarrassed by her body, nothing the dad does has anything to do with her feelings about her body, does it? IT only has to do with how he feels. So it's not fair to say that he is doing anything for her feelings if she doesn't have them yet!

EauDeLaPoisson · 04/12/2011 23:57

So nudity for sexual kicks i.e in porn in fine, innocent nudity for instance whilst getting changed after swimming is something to be covered up? In what world?

Original poster

hairnets · 04/12/2011 23:57

But squeeky she wasnt embarrassed. She isnt at all embarrassed aboutbeing naked. So it's irrelevent how you felt at that age surely?

OP posts:

GlitterySkulls · 04/12/2011 23:59

i'll admit my view is skewed on this, but there is no way at 3, never mind 5, i'd have been comfortable in a room full of naked men.

never saw my dad naked either- and he was always the one who took me swimming.

ok, so your ex shouldn't have tried to make your dd do something that frightened her, but he was only trying to protect his daughter, from the sounds of it.

whether you think he was wrong, misguided, whatever, he was only doing what he thought was best.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/12/2011 23:59

worra - that might be a generation thing too though (bikinis). When I was little you didn't get bikinis for children, only for adult women.

EauDeLaPoisson · 04/12/2011 23:59

Anybody who feels embarrased about a naked body in a changing room should stay at home and crochet ffs. Ive never heard such crap.

Original poster

hairnets · 05/12/2011 00:00

I doubt there's any point in digging it out worral I imagine it went the same way as this thread has judging by your comments on the subject. It wasn't me. I imagine that sort of thing comes up a lot and as you can see on here, I am not the only one with these types of opinions.

OP posts:

passionsrunhigh · 05/12/2011 00:01

squeakytoy, I'm with you! I did see my mother naked (occasionally) as a small child, but definetely not my father or stepfather - or indeed them on the toilet! I mean there is modesty, and there is an aesthetic side to this too, same sex parent of course you will see naked purely as you grow up you do use same changing rooms - but surely not gratuitously? I don't like as a grown up to be naked in front of relatives - strangers in changing rooms I don't mind. Do some people not see the sensitivuty ofthe issue? And indeed, like squeaky, I'm not sexually repressed adult, happy to be naked in front of partner - it's somehow a matter of TASTE even?

Original poster

hairnets · 05/12/2011 00:02

lisaro yes that's right because there aren't thousands of other people who beleive that lads mags aren't good and exploit women... maybe you disagree and you have the right to an opinion. But don't make me out to be a troll or a mad bitch for having an opinion that an awful lot of other people share.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 00:02

It isnt just a case of her covering up.. it is also that the father possibly did not want her seeing a load of naked men.

What is so wrong with that?

I am sure if your next door neighbour was sat out in his front garden naked, you wouldnt be happy at your child seeing it would you?

There would be uproar on here if someone posted, and calls for the man to be arrested for indecent exposure.

Most men would feel uncomfortable being naked in front of a child that is not their own.

Nudity is not just about sex.

passionsrunhigh · 05/12/2011 00:03

Milly - same sex parent, yes, I agree. It's also different on a beach when there is a mix of people and space - not when you aer the only little girl in the room of men AND your father. It would freak me out as a 5y.o., and nowadays they are developing faster than it used to be 20years ago!

EauDeLaPoisson · 05/12/2011 00:04

What im getting from certain people is its fine to be naked for sexual enjoyment but not for functional reasons like getting changed? You may not be sexually repressed but you have a bizzare idea of naked bodies- they are ok when it comes to sexual enjoyment but shameful and should be hidden away otherwise.

GlitterySkulls · 05/12/2011 00:04

x-posted lots.

op, i noticed this "If she really had to be in a small space she could cope with it, it's not a true true phobia. But she doesnt like it at all and does get a bit panicy. "- and, well, that's not the way it was initially made out, is it?

her dad should have reassured her & made her see she had nothing to fear, and she may have done as she was asked. maybe suggest that to him for next time?

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 00:05

I am 42, and I had a bikini when I was 6.. there is a photo of me sat in the paddling pool wearing it. It wasnt exactly a g-string with a tiny pair of triangles for the top half.. it was red, with flowers on, and a tank style top. It was not remotely sexual! It was a childs bikini.

EauDeLaPoisson · 05/12/2011 00:05

Sitting in a front garden naked- not really normal everyday behaviour. Being naked in a changing room after swimming- perfectly normal behaviour. Why would anyone be offended?

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2011 00:05

Why are you so sure?

She might become a naturist, lap dancer, stripper, still life model, prostitute or porn actress/Nuts or Zoo etc model.

You don't know she'll have modestly 'forced upon her', hopefully she'll know her own mind when she's an adult and she won't take any shit from men or women for her choices.

MillyR · 05/12/2011 00:05

I don't think people being naked in gardens has got anything to do with it. I would find it rather odd if my neighbour suddenly appeared naked in the garden but would think nothing of them being naked in a changing room. It is about context obviously.

Original poster

hairnets · 05/12/2011 00:06

eaudepoisson you have a very good point. He leaves a copy of Nuts next to the toilet with women with breast enlargements in various outfits in ridiculous and humiliating poses when DD is there... but tells her that modesty must be applied when changing after a swim...

OP posts:

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