to find it UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE how many women think they are in charge of 'their' men?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

This isn't a thread about a thread. It's common in a lot of threads - but I was reading the MIL/New York thread and am absolutely astounded by how many women think that they have the final say in these matters.

'He wouldn't be going if he was my DH'
'I'd find and destroy his passport'

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who do you think you are? Why does being in a relationship mean that you can or cannot dictate to your partner how they live their life?

It's like the whole... Train Your Man school of thought - as if they're like dogs who have to be taught who's boss

Do you really want a man that allows himself to be dominated and henpecked like that?

WELL DO YOU???

Discuss

You shouldn't say 'discuss' in AIBU. It's the Laws of the Ether.

Who does have The Final Say?

Actually, your whole post is nonsense.

In that particular thread most posters expressed the opinion that they were in a partnership /family and they didn't think that it was reasonable for their DH to come home and blithely announce that he was off to a 'family' holiday in NY without his actual family.
No discussion, no negotiation, no 'I know it'll leave you with a lot to do, but I really want to go, so what can I do to be fair to you too?' or, even 'Do you mind?'

Partnerships work both ways.

It's common courtesy to ASK in a marriage if you want to do something that a) costs a lot of money b) will leave the other partner alone with kids. So yes, I would fully expect to be able to put my foot down and say no way. Likewise I don't expect to be able to say 'I'm buggering off for the weekend shopping in New York' and get away with it.

Might have more regard for your point if you'd skipped the sexist language and gender stereotyping.

Good lord.

I don't think I'm 'in charge' of my man (blurgh) but I still feel like I've had a massve bollocking just by reading the thread.

Calm the fuck down eh?

Caveat: I haven't yet read the MIL/New York thread BUT on principle i agree with you.

I married a grown up so I wouldn't presume to tell him what he can and can't do and I expect, and get, the same respect in return.

If we have issues to decide we talk them through and work together on things.

That has worked for us for nearly 25 years and I can't think of any other way to go about things.

Now I must go and find this thread of which you speak....

I don't really give a shit what dh does...I am very easy going, he can go out, go away, do pretty much whatever and I really don't mind !

Op... I kinda agree with you! And then they wonder why they end up posting about marriage problems in relationships section!

We have been married 12 years almost !

But I do

Seriously though, wrt other thread my DP wouldn't go, not because I could stop him if he really wanted too but because he respects me, and I respect him and he'd act to me how he hopes I would for him.

no matter what you say this is a thread about a thread, and wtf is the 'discuss' about?

yabu

I'm gender stereotyping on purpose! Because I find it so hard to understand how that can be a satisfying relationship.

By saying what I'm saying, I don't mean that anyone should have the final say - I'm talking about people that think they are In Charge in the relationship. Men or women - but we're mostly women here, are we not?

You do have a point.
There was another thread recently (we think a troll started it) where the OP (troll) had banged on about her DH getting a vasectomy and loads of people said that he should have have consent from the OP before he was allowed!

Yeah, like they'd all agree that a woman should have to have consent from her DH before deciding what to do with her body.

It's using a recent thread as an example, but there's a lot of this across the board. Who is one person to say to another that they CAN'T do something? Respect is a two way street isn't it?

Just because you're with someone doesn't mean they have to toe the line!

Grown up men shouldn't go on holiday with their mums leaving their OWN family at home.

Another perfect example damn

I think common decency and respect based on your individual circumstances is the way to go.

For instance we have agreed any purchases over fifty pounds is discussed with the other person before we spend it. We are on a tight budget and DP had serious debt issues for buying shite stuff he didnt really need.

If either of us wants a night out etc with friends we just check that the other person hasnt made plans for anything particular on that night. I once booked a night out with friends to find DP had booked a meal as a surprise.

If i cook tea - he washes up and vice versa.

Dont really think anyone owns anyone and its stupid to go on as though you do.

If I ever "put my foot down" so to speak over anything I would have the respect of my partner because its not something I do. Likewise if he had severe misgivings over something I was going to do I'd listen because its something he never does.

Seriously Porto? You wouldn't ever go away with your mum for a trip? Or your sister, or your best friend? Did your mother stop being your OWN family the day you had children? I think some of that thread isn't about posters' relationship with their DHs; it's about rather tragic relationships with their parents if they don't believe it's still a precious lifelong bond.

But why not, Portofino?

If your mum wanted you to go on holiday with her, would you insist on taking your DH? Why?

Obviously I agree with asking - but to be told no? For no other reason than you said so?

Look at it the other way -

'I want to go on holiday with my mum for her 60th, but my dh says that if I do, he'll destroy my passport'

That thread is a tiny example.

Is this what passes for feminism somewhere? Because I've always thought that's about equality and respect.

DamnBamboo, some health authorities do sort-of require the wife's "permission" before giving a husband a vasectomy. I had to trail back to the hospital after dropping DH off for his, because they wouldn't do it without my "consent".

What I actually had to sign was a form agreeing that it had been explained to me that a vasectomy is not an absolute guarantee of sterilisation, that the tubes may rejoin in future (subtext "so don't come looking for compo if you get up the duff.") I hadn't signed it previously because no-one had in fact explained this to me (though I knew, anyway.)

It's not really giving consent to the sterilisation per se. But they still wouldn't operate without my signature on that form.

I didn't have to sign anything when DH had his vasectomy

Perhaps he didn't go through with it

arrghh

Would they perform a tubal ligation without the husband's consent, OldLady? Do you know? I can't see it working the same the other way around, but I could be completely wrong.