to find it UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE how many women think they are in charge of 'their' men?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

This isn't a thread about a thread. It's common in a lot of threads - but I was reading the MIL/New York thread and am absolutely astounded by how many women think that they have the final say in these matters.

'He wouldn't be going if he was my DH'
'I'd find and destroy his passport'

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who do you think you are? Why does being in a relationship mean that you can or cannot dictate to your partner how they live their life?

It's like the whole... Train Your Man school of thought - as if they're like dogs who have to be taught who's boss

Do you really want a man that allows himself to be dominated and henpecked like that?

WELL DO YOU???

Discuss

I can't be bothered to read the whole thread but the OP makes me livid. What a dumb thing to say.

Your freedom depends on your freedom from the actions of others, so you can do what you want unless your actions are having an impact on me, in which case we need to talk and agree.

Ah - now I wouldn't decline those offers (unless we had something arranged). Assuming ds would actually enjoy it I mean.

Uh huh. Mine are 12 and 10. Hers are 7 and 2. Guess who ends up amusing/looking after the younger ones during the sleepovers?

She said 'children' - these offers come up very rarely, enjoy them while you can.

I don't see many (if any) people on here saying they "wouldn't let" their partners go away independently. I see quite a few who are saying that they would like to be part of the decision-making about it first though.

And with the thread scenario about the DH giving a female colleague a lift home, it wasn't quite as simple as that implied one-off. This was a regular thing a couple of times a week, in the opposite direction from home, by a man who normally would object to going out of his way, and instead of it delaying him by 10 minutes or so, he was rolling up at home up to an hour later, having stopped off to eat and (I think ) go into the colleague's house for a while too. Bit different. I think some posters are seizing on stereotypes and making them fit their argument here.

herdoftinyelephants post struck a chord with me as what I think its liek a for a lot of people

I don't get this irritation with asking permission thing, is it just bad phrasing?
I ask DH if I can go to ..say.. a christmas do which involves being away for the night, he asks me if he can go to one of his hobbys shows. I would say to my friends I have to ask Dh if I can go before confirming I am to them. It makes it sound like I'm controlled maybe, but when we're both doing it surely actually that is what other people call discussing it. And yes in a way I am asking, I might not be saying it but what I'm really asking is is it ok with you if you do my share of looking after the kids/animals/etc for that period of time.

I have a friend's DH who tells her when he's playing golf, fucking off on a residence course, going away for the weekend with friends.....he never asks and they have young children, no money and she cleans houses at the weekend as well as LSA during they week to make ends meet.

LeQ your children are not young are they? It makes a big difference.

Ok, lidldarling - so in a hypothetical situation, if your dh came home and said that he wants to go away in 4 months for a week with his mother, all paid for - what impact would that have on you?

Clam - it wasn't a couple of times a week, he had done it twice before his dw asked him not to do it again...then he did it once more. That's three times in total.
On one of those first two occasions he stopped off for something to eat and was late back by 40 minutes. No biggy. There was nothing to say he had been into his colleague's home. That was an assumption that other posters made. Even if he had...again, he's a grown man and can visit and eat with whoever the heck he likes surely?

Either way...the OP admitted that had it been a man he was offering a lift to, she would not have minded. There was nothing to suggest that anything untoward was going on at all.

yy bronze. No different to saying must consult the Oracle Calendar, Keeper of All Arrangements, to make sure there aren't competing claims.

I've no problem with asking - not either way around. It's just a courtesy. But asking, and then being told no - for no other reason than your OH doesn't like you doing it? No no.

Good Lord. Talk about dissecting a subject into smithereens.

True Proudnscary but it's often all in the details isn't it?

Abby it's really not a complicated concept.

The impact it would have on me is that, as he would see, I would have to look after his nightmare teen nephew who we are bringing up together plus our toddler son on my own without his much practical and emotional support - so we would have to agree whether that was worth it and fair.

A few months ago he went away snow-boarding on his own for a week which I fully supported. During that week I had to go into DN's school nearly every day for crisis talks on behaviour and give up a lot of my own freelance work and income to do so, and take full care of our toddler. I agreed because he had been working really hard and I was prepared to fight alone for week to give him his sanity break. I asked for something in return which was that he took his DN away for a few days to give me a break. He did.

Noone has complete freedom in a relationship. If you want complete freedom, be single without children.

abby- I know I'm not lidl but my first thoughts would be money, ok the trips paid for but eating out and spending money always adds up and we're skint, Holiday time, only get 4 weeks what has been used is any put aside for family, and does it clash with anything. The impacts for me would be that I do all the ousehold budgetting and its normally me who goes without when ends dont meet. I would have all four child on my own, will it impact on anything they do. dh is away this week I need a babysitter because its parents evening (for example)
As pictish says its in the details, those details might not be so obvious to the person asking but when the small things add up for the other person then it may actually be more reasonable

I have NEVER said that anyone that is married with children should have complete freedom. I just get fed up with all these women that think they're in charge, and what they say goes, no discussion. There are a lot of those here.

Don't really see the need for the patronising either. If you don't like discussing it, then don't. No skin off my nose.

I agree with you about those extreme examples you quoted. Assuming they were exact quotes.

I married an adult not a child. Having said that I rarely dictate to my DC either..... hmm..seeing a pattern emerging here

I hate being told what to do by anyone so I wouldn't do it to someone else.

Having said that I would expect a modicum of consultation - just as a courtesy really.

But men use their 'women' as an excuse too - some of the ones I work with will say 'She won't let me do that', or 'She'd hit the roof' etc. Just as annying.

And obviously, bronze, there are things to be considered in these situations. If I had 4 kids to look after, and we couldn't afford it, I would be pissed off, no question.

But there are a lot of posts that give no reason. In the case of the NY holiday one, the OP (DW/DH, whoever it was ) just thought that she should have been invited. And because she wasn't, she didn't like it.

Dp wouldn't tell me I couldn't do something I wanted to do that had no impact on him for no reason, because I wouldn't ask him whether I could do something that had no impact on him - there would be no need.

Jeeez.

So if you had no dc for the night - and DP was at home, you would just go out for a drink, say, without telling him then? Because technically it would gave no impact on him, so you just wouldn't mention it?

If it's so irritating to you to post on the thread, lidldarling, why don't you just..... not?

My mantra is "He only has one mother AND IT IS NOT ME"

My response when he has organised a night out with boyz is "have a good time".

MIL is astounded that I never get on his case. It's not that I am all cool and hip, it's just that I really can't be bothered/interested in nagging and look forward to the peace.

Abby - Of course in that situation I would mention it. But I would be saying I am going out for a drink tonight, don't know when I will be back. Have a fun evening!

It is just a matter of communication. You would expect consultation first. I didn't just announce I was off skiing for a week! The subject came up because there was a way that I could go, reasonably cheaply and DH hates it.