to find it UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE how many women think they are in charge of 'their' men?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

This isn't a thread about a thread. It's common in a lot of threads - but I was reading the MIL/New York thread and am absolutely astounded by how many women think that they have the final say in these matters.

'He wouldn't be going if he was my DH'
'I'd find and destroy his passport'

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who do you think you are? Why does being in a relationship mean that you can or cannot dictate to your partner how they live their life?

It's like the whole... Train Your Man school of thought - as if they're like dogs who have to be taught who's boss

Do you really want a man that allows himself to be dominated and henpecked like that?

WELL DO YOU???

Discuss

Sorry Lesley, I was just answering lidldarling I agree with you.

I have not read all the pp's.

My understanding of marriage was that it is a partnership. That is how we treat it anyway. Most important decisions discussed until we come to a mutual agreement or compromise. Nights out are a quick "we haven't got anything booked for that night" type phone call. That's it job done.

My husband is away a lot for his job, sometimes for six months or more, so dealing with the kids is just something I have to do. No big deal. I am also their parent.

My exh and I had a completely different relationship. That is why he is my exh though.

I'm frustrated because I have absolutely no idea what you mean.

As I said before if it had no impact on him I would just let him know that's what I had planned and check he didn't have anything happening that would create a problem.

My relationship is not based on a principle of I will stay with you whatever you do. If I ever felt DP's behaviour was out of order, I didn't want to put up with it and ultimately we couldn't resolve our differences then it would be over I suppose. He is free to be himself, but if being himself doesn't work for me then I will speak with my feet. He would say the same of me I hope - I didn't pick a doormat.

Of course, lidldarling - that's perfectly reasonable.

I'm talking about those women that don't allow their partners to do stuff. That think they have the right to put their foot down over such trivial things because they believe they are in charge.

Only letting their partners go out once a month, for example. Not allowing them to have a motorbike. I know someone at the moment that isn't allowed to grow a moustache for Movember because his wife doesn't like facial hair That sort of thing.

I was trying to make the point that if these were men that dictated those things, they would be accused of being emotional abusers, posters would be advised to call Womens Aid etc.

No adult is in charge of another adult, regardless of gender - discussion and communication is what's required, not laying down the law for no apparent reason.

Does that make more sense?

Well, that makes sense. But your OP refers to the NYC thread where apparently a man was going off with him mum without his wife and kids. This throws up all sorts of questions about holiday allowance, money, childcare and also priorities. And if DP preferred to spend time with his mother than me I would be pretty upset.

So the poster who said, no husband of mine would do that presumably means, if he wants to do that, I'm out. Seems extreme, but there are circumstances in which I would do the same. For example, if DP said to me I really enjoy the platonic company of my boobilicious secretary so we're going out for dinner tonight I would tell him that he was free to do so henceforth and forever. We all make choices.

I don't own DP but our lives are inextricably entwined in more ways than even we can realise. WIthout communication he won't know how something affects me.

Of course some men are 'under the thumb' in the sit-com sense. But I suspect far more often it's the other way round and making out that woman have to be all super-cool and darling, you just be you, just jars with me a bit.

Yeah, but - it's not a question of him prioritising time with his mum over time with you, is it? It's her 60th birthday, and she clearly wants to spend time with her kids, and is paying. It's 4 months in the future - they have time to cover childcare if they need to. It's not like he's come home and said he's going on a lads holiday to Magaluf for a week and she can suck it up.

I agree with OP, it makes me cringe when people say "if he was my husband I wouldn't let him"

I was at a friend's house and her bf said, " Can I go fishing at the weekend?" and she said "No." he just accepted this.

lack of respect for him.

I think it should be more like "would you mind if I went fishing at the weekend ?" "Well, yes, because ....."

I wouldnt want to be in the company of a partner when I knew he wanted to go fishing. Its forceful, I will "make" you love me.

Arrrrrrgh

It's not unbefuckinglievable

It's un-fucking-believable

My poor FIL is micromanaged to an inch of his life.

I cannot be arsed.

Isn't this all just about semantics?

I mean, everyone agrees that couples should discuss their plans and take into account each others' feelings.

We all also (presumably) agree that, if your DH disagrees with your view, you can't physically stop him from doing something that he wants to do and you don't want him to do. You can only try to persuade him.

So really, whether you say "No DH you can't do X" or "Well darling I'd prefer you not to do X but I realise I can't stop you" is just a question of your particular manner and the words you choose to put your view across.

The result is the same whatever words you choose: you can't stop him, he will know that, it's a question of whether he wants to respect your wishes or not.

Some wives might find that a "No you can't do X" approach has a better success rate with their husband (though it wouldn't work on mine). Others might find that a "Well of course I can't stop you, but I'll miss you/could do with your help that week/we then won't have a family holiday" approach will have a better success rate with theirs.

Just because some use the "No you can't do X" wording doesn't mean they control their DH. (Unless they are actually going to lock him up). It is just their way of saying "I would prefer you not to".

Also you can't assume looking in from the outside

I am the calendar, DH looks to me to know what he is doing when
So taking Recalls post for an example
dh says to me "" Can I go fishing at the weekend?"
I might just say No
That doesnt mean I am saying I am saying you are not allowed to go and he knows this too. It means there is something on the calendar so you can't and he would just accept my answer to mean that.
We wouldn't feel it necessary to discuss what that something is when with other people though.

Gosh LeQ what a dismal picture you do paint. I preferred the one involving sucking golf balls through pretzels... or whatever it was you were alluding to... .

Yes, if that's the way that the DW acts, that can be a sort of control. If it were the DH doing it we'd probably call it controlling behaviour or possibly even emotional abuse.

But I'm not talking about weeks of grief and cold shouldering. I'm talking about telling your DH "No you can't do X" or "I would prefer you not to do X". That's just expressing an opinion.

Or are you saying that no DW should ever express an opinion about how her DH should spend his time?

I would expect my DH to ask me if he wanted to go away for a week, and I would do the same. Not ask like my daughter asking me for a sweetie, but ask as in discuss and arrange. Also taking into account the fact that for that week the person at home will have a lot more work and to show courtesy for them that you don't just expect them to do it.

I would never just announce to DH that I was going away for a week without discussing it - as a done deal. It's not a way I would feel comfortable in a relationship. I understand that for other people it works and of course that is fine, but I think to say that this (quite normal IMO and IME) way of doing things means the man is a boy rather than an adult or a pet and all that stuff seems a bit uncalled for.

LeQueen - I know a couple like that where 1 is very controlling. When other has complained I have suggested he stand up more for himself but he says the nagging and grief he would get from her isn't worth it. They don't have a happy marriage!

Unfortunately DH would be unlikely to want to go away for a week.

if he did get invited to something like this I would remind him how much he would miss the children, and suggest that it would be a lovely surprise for MIL to have her GCs there as well

Then in an ideal world I would wave the 3 of them off at the front door and float back into the house to a week of peace and serenity

But isn't this about people just doing things without discussion? That was the problem with the NY thing I thought - he just said "I'm doing this" as a done deal