to find it UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE how many women think they are in charge of 'their' men?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

This isn't a thread about a thread. It's common in a lot of threads - but I was reading the MIL/New York thread and am absolutely astounded by how many women think that they have the final say in these matters.

'He wouldn't be going if he was my DH'
'I'd find and destroy his passport'

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who do you think you are? Why does being in a relationship mean that you can or cannot dictate to your partner how they live their life?

It's like the whole... Train Your Man school of thought - as if they're like dogs who have to be taught who's boss

Do you really want a man that allows himself to be dominated and henpecked like that?

WELL DO YOU???

Discuss

Completely agree again LeQueen.
And I am delighted by the term 'fashion asparagus' ! I don't know how, but it conveys all.

Wouldn't it be fab if we had a 'turn the tables' emoticon?

For those occasions where you just know that if the tables were turned and the OP was a bloke, the response would be precisely the opposite.

Just catching up with replies since I went to bed....

Why was I warned about the talk guidelines please?

It may not have been aimed at you Abby.
It may have been me because I brought up a particular thread as an example, and described the attitude and ensuing support it got as revolting.

I didn't consider it as a personal attack, as I was descriptive of the air of the whole thing....but MN may have viewed that differently.

Or it might have been nothing to do with me at all....and was you after all. Or someone else.....

I could have just said 'I don't know' couldn't I?

Well Abby although you stated it wasn't a thread about a thread & indeed it isn't really a thread about a thread, it could (in an alternative universe, where all threads are connected - maybe a meta-thread) possibly be construed as such & therefore you is doing wrong & must be justly punished.

Mmm - 'fashion asparagus', does he only do fashion between May & June or do his fashion choices make his wee smell funny?

Ha! A meta-thread

Thanks for your help, pictish

Maybe the powers-that-be could enlighten us. As long as they don't make any mention of any words that have been in any other threads, like, EVER

Ha ha at fashion asparagus. My husband is going through a phase of tucking his sweatshirt into his trousers, so I have to untuck him before we leave the house as he looks like Eighties Man.

We have been together a veeeerrryy long time, most of it extremely happily, and some of that is because we Don't Do Control.

We are free to go out as and when. I love it when he is away as, to echo LeQ, the house stays so much cleaner and I can have Wagon Wheels for dinner if I fancy it.

YABVU to say 'discuss' at the end of the post OP.

I can't even be arsed to debate the matter because of that very word.

I think we have to be careful not pinpoint individuals to make an example of.

What I said could be construed as doing so....but really, I was more taken aback by, and highlighting the support the poster in question received...iyswim?
My point was that had the situ been flipped and the OP been a bloke, the responses would have been entirely different, and the OP viewed as being controlling, but because it was a woman, it was supported. The OP herself is neither here nor there in my thinking. If the responses had advised her to the opposite, I would have thought nothing of it and would not have used that thread as an example.

I guess it is veering into grey area territory, so a reminder was issued.

Ok, Nooby... feel free to not discuss it then

YANBU, OP. I find this kind of mindset really disturbing.

After my parents divorced, my dad married someone who's like this. When she's in a particularly twitchy phase he practically has to ask permission to breathe. It's beyond me why he puts up with it, but I hate her for it too because the upshot is that she has forbidden him to see his own children except by appointment and strictly supervised by her.

My brother also married someone like this. Once my mum even saw him having to ask her for permission to spend 50p on a game at their school fair Oddly enough they're now divorced.

But there's definitely a sexist double standard - very noticeable on MN - that says women whose partners behave like this should call Women's Aid and get out as soon as they can, but men whose partners behave like this should just toe the fucking line. I don't get it.

pictish and many others see my point completely.

Turn these scenarios on their head, and have a man posting them, and there would be outrage. So I cannot understand how support is offered to women that are clearly controlling their partners by telling them what they are and are not 'allowed' to do.

Please don't misunderstand me - obviously in any partnership there should be discussion, about money, about time, about childcare etc. But to deny someone for no other reason than you don't think they should be doing that... it's completely out of order, imo.

Sort of see what you mean OP, but not very well worded.

Agree with Lequeen (... ) completely.

My DH often does or doesn't do things that other people find astounding.

Eg, he is growing a beard. Friends ask me : "Why do you let him?!" "errrr, I don't decide how he wears his hair, beard etc."

or he goes on a stag do. Well, again, that's up to him

Or he goes out with friends and gets hammered, again, I get asked "Why do you let him?!".

It works both ways obviously! I would not dream of HIM telling what I can and cannot do, how to wear my hair etc. And if he was getting pissed or off on trips all the time, I would have a chat about it.

But a bit of freedom in a relationship is a good thing IMO.

Agree with LeQ on this one, dh goes away snow boarding i go to see friends in bristol and London. he also goes mountain biking every other weekend for half a day or so. he's entitled to hobbies as am I.

I would have no issue with him giving a female colleague a lift home, in fact I'd think it mean if he didn't offer. But I'm not insecure, and it's good for him to have his own life. If he goes out v late I expect him to creep in quietly and sleep on the sofa bed OR preferably stay at his mates, my biggest bugbear is him waking me up and I sleep better if I know he's NOT coming in.

He has a couple of mates who can't answer to or plan any suggested arrangements as they don't want to upset their wives, they look visibly fearful when dh tried to make arrangements with them, even if it's just half an hour down the park with the kids. It's pathetic, and women are just as if not more so controlling than men ime.

yy minx; I would be very disappointed (and surprised) if my dp didn't offer someone a lift home, regardless of their gender.

And yes I absolutely see where you're coming from Abby, pictish, LeQ, Chandon et al.

I do know a couple where this set up seems to work, but he's a stoner. It would be interesting to see what would happen if his dw put her foot down about the spliffs.

I have a friend who is like this. She doesn't work but should and looks at her family as something to manage.

She really resents her husband doing anything outside the marriage. He has to hurry home at the same time each day to do his share of the chores and she very recently refused to let him take up a fab promotion because 'I need him here'.

My favourite story though is the one where she made him take their small children to a colleague's funeral because he had 'Already had a night out that week'. Apparently, having a small sherry after a funeral is an EXTRA night out

She insists that they are a happy family unit. He just looks beaten and unhappy to me.

That's so sad, Laura.

I wonder why people (not people not men or women - I don't think women have the monopoly on being controlling fucks) put up with this?

I do know a man who claims he stays with his wife because he can't bear the thought of being separated from his children. I suppose that's often the (prefectly understandable) reason.

I would be horrified and embarassed if my husband thought he couldn't give a female colleague a lift. He often goes for drinks with them too

He has a couple of friends at work who cannot discuss the women at work with their partners as they would be in Big Trouble for Mixing With Girls.

I mean note people. You know what I mean

I keep mine locked in a small cupboard in case he gets any Ideas

Well usually someone who has to tell their DH they can't do something is because there hasn't been an adult discussion where the spouse has asked and checked that it's okay to put more responsibility on the DW regarding the dcs or taking money out of the family purse.

YANBU OP.Of course adults in a rel;ationship should consult with one another and take each others views into account. But no one should be "in charge". I also don't understand some posters views about their partners as it seems to be all about them. Both I and my DP do things or encourage each other to do things, that make each other happy, even if it does inconvenience us personally.

Behind every successful man is a bossy, controlling good woman