to find it UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE how many women think they are in charge of 'their' men?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

This isn't a thread about a thread. It's common in a lot of threads - but I was reading the MIL/New York thread and am absolutely astounded by how many women think that they have the final say in these matters.

'He wouldn't be going if he was my DH'
'I'd find and destroy his passport'

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who do you think you are? Why does being in a relationship mean that you can or cannot dictate to your partner how they live their life?

It's like the whole... Train Your Man school of thought - as if they're like dogs who have to be taught who's boss

Do you really want a man that allows himself to be dominated and henpecked like that?

WELL DO YOU???

Discuss

Yes Abby, and that was pretty much the way other thread was going until you hi-jacked it.

all this "threads about threads is bad form," is bollocks. This is an open forum, people are free to discuss here what they like, if that means discussing a point that came up in another thread which extends beyond the actual thread then people are free to do so. If posters don't like that there's this marvelllous feature called the hide function.

Wrt the op, yes I agree. And we're not talking about people discussing stuff - that is a side issue altogether - we're talking people who have advocated destroying someone's passport if they don't comply with their wishes.

Can you imagine the response if someone posted: "it's my mum's 60th birthday and she wants to take me and my sister to NY for a week to celebrate. As she is paying she A can't afford to take partners as well (dsis' dh not invited either), and tbh as it NY she doesn't feel it's a suitable holiday for kids. DH is furious as being excluded, and has said that if I say I'm going he will destroy my passport."

Now show me the poster who would say that the dh here was in the right. Or perhaps it would be more apt to bet on how soon into the thread the number for women's aid would be posted instead? There is no way a response to a woman from a man like that would be viewed as anything other than negatively on here, no way, and everyone knows it. In fact people would be urging op to give her passport to a friend for safe-keeping and then to make plans to leave him.

As an aside, my dad had to give consent for my mum to be sterilised, but that was 30 years ago, so don't know if that makes a difference.

Sorry Lady, how have I hijacked a thread I haven't posted on?

Jimswife that must be really really irritating.

Clearly OP you have never been married to an arse.

LeQueen...I've read a gutful of that sort of stuff on here. It makes me very sad.

I had a friend who was a very controlling girlfriend, subjecting her partner to a real grilling every time he left the house and calling him constantly while he was out. She felt perfectly entitled to behave that way, and was determined to catch him out disobeying her.
She is no longer my friend. What a hag.

I wouldn't expect to control my dp (not that I'd have a hope in hell) but I would expect to be given the consideration and common courtesy of him discussing things with me. Whoever you live with, parents, friends, partner, it is important to consider the other persons feelings and how your actions will affect them. I would never just announce I was doing something-I'd always say 'is it ok if I go out on Thursday?' not because I need permission but because there may be a perfectly reasonable reason why dp would want/need me to stay in. As a considerate person I'd expect him to do the same (although he rarely does)

I agree wannabe.

The double standards on here, and rl, are embarrassing in their crassness.

Thankyou wannaBe - you put that so much more eloquently than I did

My DP friend had called round for a coffee and his DP phoned him. We could hear the conversation from where we sat and he was getting a right grilling for daring to not come straight home. He had asked if he could call in for coffee, we got chatting and he was here for 2.5 hours. Her response was "well if you like it there so much why dont you fucking live there" his response was to get up and go home whilst making excuses for her.

We bumped into each other a few days later and it was obvious he was not allowed to make conversation.

We later found out that he had been accused of sleeping with me. (whilst MY DP was present it would appear)

He isnt allowed out now. With his mates. With his mum.

I feel for him I really do but part of me thinks grow a back bone and tell her to do one! They dont even have any kids FGS!

That's exactly it, pictish - it's the double standards. It's beyond me, honestly.

Lequeen - precisely. I know lots of 'partnerships' like that too.

Signet - I would be the same as you. What is wrong with the man? I don't know any of my friends that would put up with that crap.

MrsShortfuse - you are so, so wrong. But controlling behaviour went part of the way to me ending it.

There was that thread the other day too....the one in which the poster's dh had given a female colleague a lift home at the end of a late shift, rather than have her wait for a cab.
The poster told him not to do it again. He did, and boy was she mad!

The thread was full of:

"I'd be very suspicious"
"BIG RED FLAGS"
"He should respect your wishes OP"
"Can't believe he did it again after you asked him not to"

I was astonished. How would you feel if your dh told you not to gift a lift to colleague for no other reason than that he was a bloke?

Revolting, rife, and fully encouraged on here.

Yes! I didn't read that one, but I see many, many threads like it here.

"It's one in the morning and my dh is still out - am I paranoid? He's only allowed out once a year, but this is taking the piss"

Quite apart from the money, most working people have 4-5 weeks' holiday a year. That needs to cover family holidays and (if both partners are working) looking after sick children, doctors' appointments, inset days/nursery closures, and anything else that needs to be done during the working week. So if one parent comes home and just announces with no discussion that he/she is spending 20-25% of his/her holiday allowance for the next year on a trip abroad without the rest of the family then that's remarkably high-handed. Also deciding in advance without consulting the other parent that that parent will have sole responsibility for childcare for an entire week is remarkably high-handed. And it's understandable (albeit not laudable) if the non-consulted partner starts responding in kind (or at least is strongly tempted to respond in kind) with high-handedness of his/her own.

I've only read the beginning of the thread about which this is a thread, but was "destroy his passport" really a serious suggestion or just a letting-off-steam rant?

There does seem to be a shift in power dynamics in (many? most?) relationships when children are born whereby day-to-day responsibility for the children falls on the female partner so that the male partner retains a good proportion of his pre-children autonomy -- he decides when he is going out and when he's coming back with an assumption that the woman will be looking after their children or, if she isn't, will be the one who has to make alternative childcare arrangements. In contrast if the female partner wants to go out she will generally check with the man first rather than just assume without asking that he'll be looking after the children, and if it turns out that he can't/won't look after them it's generally still her who has to make the alternative arrangements. Obviously there are plenty of relationships that don't work that way, but from observation it does seem to me that most have at least a tendency in that direction. So from the woman's point of view there is already an imbalance of power against her and it's against that background that OTT talk of extreme counter-measures comes in.

Exactamundo, LeQueen

Fuck off to your mates with your dirty kebab breath and lager sweats, thanks very much!

I agree Herd, it's got to work both ways.

It often doesn't though, Lady! Which is kind of my point.

Just a quick re fucking minder of our talk guidelines
Thanks

I agree with everything you said leQueen

I've had a similar conversation with men though, about whether I "let" DH do things. For example, "I am surprised you let DH go climbing, my wife won't let me, she thinks it's far too risky." Maybe not a good example, but I come away thinking WTF?! I am in an equal relationship between two competent (mostly!) adults. He is my husband, not my infant child.

Agree LeQueen...if only dp would stay out though-he insists on coming home and cuddling up to me in that state!

God yes, as an asides...what on earth makes my dh think that I will appreciate being woken up by his beer breathy amorous advances and his todger poking into my arse?!