to find it UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE how many women think they are in charge of 'their' men?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

This isn't a thread about a thread. It's common in a lot of threads - but I was reading the MIL/New York thread and am absolutely astounded by how many women think that they have the final say in these matters.

'He wouldn't be going if he was my DH'
'I'd find and destroy his passport'

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who do you think you are? Why does being in a relationship mean that you can or cannot dictate to your partner how they live their life?

It's like the whole... Train Your Man school of thought - as if they're like dogs who have to be taught who's boss

Do you really want a man that allows himself to be dominated and henpecked like that?

WELL DO YOU???

Discuss

It's just courtesy though, surely, to run it past the other person. Rather than just announce "I'm doing this" and that's it.

Especially if there are small children to look after and complicated work / childcare patterns.

LeQ I agree it would be better if DWs used the words "I would prefer you not to do X" rather than "No you can't do X".

But, I still think the "No you can't" wording is ok, as long as both sides understand that it really means "I'd prefer you not to".

And of course no DW should feel threatened by her DH wanting to do stuff without her some of the time. But on the other hand, there do seem to be some DHs who take the piss a bit by expecting to have nights out whenever they fancy, weekends occupied by their hobbies, lads' weeks away, and generally seeing very little of their DW and DC. In that case, I don't think it's wrong or controlling of a DW to kick up a fuss and say "look, do you actually want to be part of a couple/father to your DCs or don't you".

I think that you should be looking for ways to accomodate each other's interests. There is a thread about 10 week old twins and DH going off playing football. I can see that it is extreme hard work at that age but instead of saying 'no way-normal life has stopped' they could try and find a way where they both got some free time-however limited.

That would be fairly normal I'd think LeQ.

However if at that point your DH said "Oh that's the week I have a conference with work and there's no-one to have the kids as my mum is away" then you would talk about it. Your introduction of the subject is open.

The problem I thought was that this DH announced it with no room for discussion.

LeQ well no it isn't. But my point is that before giving up on the marriage, the DW might just want to try putting her foot down and telling him it's not on. In case it works. (Sometimes, it does). And that isn't her being needy or controlling. It's just her trying to make her DH wake up to the consequences of his actions, and giving him a chance to change his behaviour.

I just had a look at that twins thread. I don't think she is BU. She is BF 10wo twins and has a 3yo, I think her DH should generally be with the family at the weekend, rather than making a fixed commitment to be gone for a chunk of every Sunday. It must be very hard work looking after the children.

It is a different matter if the DH is taking the piss. Obviously, as the other adult in the partnership, you would have to address the issue.

Although... I feel compelled to say that I have known a few women in this situation who martyr themselves in the relationship. For example, one old friend constantly complains about her husband's hobby which takes him away from the home some weekends but she refuses to create situations where he has to recipricate. She just wants him at home, 'suffering' alongside her

Dh said "I'd prefer it if you didn't" and I said "Well I realise that but I'm going to anyway" and I did. He accepted it knowing, that if the shoe was on the other foot I would accept it. Sometimes I do things that my partner's not happy with and of coarse he's going to make decisions I'm not happy with also. That's life. If he did everything I wanted him to at the expense of what he wanted then he wouldn't be being true to himself. I couldn't be like that and I couldn't love someone who was.

To have a discussion when one person has already made up their mind is not respectful.

She wasn't being unreasonable on the twins thread but rather than a 'don't be silly' they could work for a compromise and she could find a way of leaving him in sole charge for a couple of hours.

That's going to be tough BF twins though.

In that situation it's all hands to the pumps (as it were!) and free time more than a snatched bath will have to wait! Of course everyone copes differently but I think on that one it's down to the mum really.

I mean, people work it out how they work it out though. In that situation though if the mum doesn't feel like she can be away for 2 hours and is maybe too shattered to do anything anyway, it doesn't make sense for her to force herself to do it just to make it "even", and if she feels that she wants him at home and then that's fair enough. I always find it strange that men in that situation feel it's OK to make regular commitments of that type when there are small babies to be looked after but it's all down to different couples how the dynamics work. Bottom line is however the set-up works re asking or not asking or whatever it's fine as long as everyone is happy and in these two situations everyone isn't happy. NY woman because he sprung it on her with no discussion and twins woman because she wants him at home with the children/house and who can blame her.