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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
Tanif · 04/10/2011 10:22

... and will be pointed straight in the direction of a nice hotel, if you have any sense.

deemented · 04/10/2011 10:24

Well, althought not an ideal situation, he's still your DH's dad. I guess it's up to him to tell him he isn't welcome if he isn't.

If it were me in your situation, i can't say i'd be best pleased either, but bloods thicker than water and bullshits thicker than both and you DH may feel obligated to help him get back on his feet.

What does DH think of it?

Redbluegreen · 04/10/2011 10:24

Well, he has the right to ask - and you have the right to say no!

However, he does not have the right to turn up and stay and assume that you will put him indefinitely, so I suggest you have a good talk with your dh and come to a decision as a family about how long he gets to stay, what you are prepared to tolerate, and what happens if he won't go.

faverolles · 04/10/2011 10:24

I suppose he has a right to ask, since you are family, but you have a right to refuse, and given the history of your situation, I suggest you excercise that right!

ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 10:25

Is this for real?

Why on earth did that phonecall end with anything other than a 'Bugger right off'? It clearly didn't end that way, otherwise the suitcase/Friday plan would not still be happening!

Two choices: you call back and make it clear that he's not welcome (if he indeed isn't) or you dance around not liking to say anything and end up with a permanent lodger. I'd bite the bullet now if I were you.

slavetofilofax · 04/10/2011 10:26

You could tell him he has to find somewhere else to stay?

But it's your dh's Dad, so teh choice should be his, and you should support him either way, as it sounds like you are doing. I think after a week or two you have every right (of your own) to tell him to leave.

aldiwhore · 04/10/2011 10:29

I'm soft, I would take him in, and while he's low I would also take the time to tell him just how shit he'd made me feel over the years. Lay down firm boundaries, don't crumple at the first sign of an apology, but let him stay for a short period until he's sorted.

Unless of course your husband doesn't want him there? If it was your dad, I'd say it would be your call. If your husband wants to give him some time to sort himself out, then I do think that because its such a difficult situation, you support that choice as much as you can.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 10:31

You reap as you sow, imo. I wouldn't let him through the door. He hasn't behaved like a father and doesn't deserve to be treated like one.

I am not one of these people who think that just because you share DNA with a person, that you have to make allowances for their shitty behaviour.

This is not just your DH's decision. It is your house too and you both need to be in full agreement before having someone come to stay.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 10:34

YANBU - does your DH want him to stay? You can say no, your DH can make you the 'horrid' one that won't have a house guest if it makes it easier for him to stand up to his dad.

Support your DH, it must be hard for him to have a selfish parent.

Roseflower · 04/10/2011 10:37

No way, it is just using his son,personally I would feel used and it would create a very bad astmosphere. How long untl he hurts him again?

Besides you cant go from seeing someone 4 times to living with them- totally unrealistic.

I think actually living together will create a pressure cooker environment. Maybe your FIL will want to change and make things up (this often happens when someone suffers a great fall in life) but that has to be done slowly and with lots of space; emotionally and physically.

I think it would be terrible to go ahead I really do.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:49

DH actually works away during the week and I'm breastfeeding my 8 week old baby so don't really want a random man in my house. DH is being firm and is making it plain in e-mails that it is not a long term option. We are soft though and we always knew that this might happen so it hasn't come as a surprise really. I have booked an appointment with the local Housing Officer for 9am Monday morning but as we all know, there is no housing available and after these years abroad I'm not sure he is entitled to housing or housing benefit anyway!!!

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 10:54

You and DH need to agree on whatever you do - don't let this man divide and conquer.
Personally I wouldn't have him to stay at all until he has established a home somewhere - otherwise how can you then throw him out?

It's all too familiar, my FIL violently abused his family all his life, now he is widowed and going blind, the personality change is miraculous.You needn't go along with it though.

manicbmc · 04/10/2011 10:54

He's a single man and so will get offered a hostel, which he should take. He made his bed and has to lie in it.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 10:57

You need to put an actual deadline on this - I'd say 2 weeks max. Sod getting 'housing' elsewhere, does he have any income/money at all? He can find somewhere to rent. Does he have any other family/friends in the country at all? He can arrange to stay with them.

Quite frankly, he should have waiting until he had a plan in place before booking a flight, and the plan can't be 'sponge off the child I ignored'.

I'd really consider saying no completely, make him find an alternative. He isn't your problem, and only will be if you allow him to be.

Roseflower · 04/10/2011 10:59

Oh no, well that seals the deal now you have an 8 week old baby. You have enough or your plate.
This is a special time for your family, he will ruin it. Dont let him I beg you.

Where was he when baby was born? Couldnt be bothered I suspect; but now he thinks he can just turn-up.

I cannot urge you enough to say a big fat "NO"

ArtVandelay · 04/10/2011 11:08

So you will be expected to cook and clean and share your home with this man while you have an 8 week old baby and you husband will be away? That is completely unacceptable. Give him a week to use your place as a base whilst he goes to the housing and social and then he must be gone. He's not even your father and he sounds like a pretty dreadful person generally.

BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 11:10

I would say a big fat NO too.
Help him arrange a hostel place and get on a waiting list for something better, but don't let him stay, or you won't be able to get rid of him - and you may not get on at all.

You can invite him for meals etc and see if you like him - if after a year or two you all get on, you might want to see more of him. I would bet he will have found a home by then.

AKMD · 04/10/2011 11:11

You have a newborn baby and your DH works away during the week? He wouldn't come through the door of this house.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/10/2011 11:12

I dont agree blood is thicker than water....sounds like he has invested no time in his "original" family, sounds like he is taking the complete piss to me!!

Agree with Bunty....invite him for meals, let him get to know you all again and take it from there. No way should he come and live with you and you can bet your bottom dollar you were his last resort!

Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 11:12

Yes, I think a week or two at most. I don't want my brilliant single in the week mother routine (I have a DS aged 5 aswell) ruined by the prescence of another person and it is a special time for me and new baby and I don't want it spoiled.

OP posts:
TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 04/10/2011 11:18

Don't let him in, even for a night.

Once he's in you will have to fight to get him back out again.

One night will turn into two, two will turn into a week, a week will be a month...

It won't end. There will always be an excuse. A friend let him down, a landlord had a better rent offer from someone else, the housing benefit is taking a while to sort out, he's ill, he's waiting on some money a friend owes him.

Once you let him stay it will become more and more difficult to ask him to leave.

And even if he starts out all very grateful, by the time he goes he will be behaving as if he has done you the favour by gracing your home with his presence in it.

He'll have tried to borrow money from you by then too.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 11:22

Actually, thinknig again, 2 weeks is too long if you hate him, and considering how he treated your DH, I bet you'll hate him.

Say no. If he used to live in the UK, he'll have other people who'll take him in while he sorts himself out, if noone who knows him is prepared to do that, then you know he'll be a nightmare and you'll hate him.

A new baby is good enough excuse. Not your problem.

BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 11:23

I would be really unhappy bf with a man I don't know at all in the house, even one who doesn't have a record like his.

Maybe your DH wants you to say no? That makes it easier for him.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 11:23

Also, if it was the otherway round, if before his second marriage had collapsed, if your DH found himself in your FIL's country and needing somewhere to stay, would your FIL have taken him in with no conditions attached to it?

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 04/10/2011 11:23

Fixed deadline. All information leaftets. If he can't get benefits (after 15 years questionable, though not impossible if he was in the EU?) he needs to get a job.

The pigeons have roosted in the bed he made and he needs to eat humble pie in his home Grin

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