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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
Inertia · 07/10/2011 13:11

ohanotherone, your feelings about grandparents, and the feelings of your DH, are clouding the issue somewhat. Your FIL has never been a worthy father figure, he's never been a worthy grandfather, and I doubt whether he'll magically transform into one by dint of being in your house. No matter how much your DH wishes his father was a better man, he isn't.

Bottom line is- what is your objective here? If it is to ensure that your FIL gets into emergency accommodation until his finances are sorted, then letting him stay with you is the last thing that will help you or him. Even if your objective is to build a relationship, that's not going to happen while you are overwhelmed by his non-stop presence in your house, and while your DH is away working somewhere else entirely.

I think you need to look at booking him into a B&B until the housing appointment, even if it means paying for a couple of nights- because as soon as he's moved in with you he has accommodation and he will be there for good. You could present it to FIL that you not having room for him is a good thing because it renders him technically homeless.

If he does move in, the way to look at it is this- your husband will be working miles away from his own wife and children to fund the man who dumped him and would happily see him penniless, and to keep the ex-wife in make-up and swimming pools.

OldMumsy · 07/10/2011 13:52

Put your foot down for your families sake, you should be the central person to be considered as you are full time living there and have a small baby to look after. Once he's in he will be a bugger to shift out, you know that to be true in your heart. Why risk your family for this man? Tell DH he has to chose his father or you.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 08/10/2011 10:29

Well he's arrived, with four suitcases!

All of his 3 properties in South Americia were in his wife's name....he can't understand why she has thrown him out. FOOL!

Will declare him homeless come monday!! arghhhhhhhh!

OP posts:
GeekLove · 08/10/2011 10:33

Where is he staying? Please don't let him in if you can as this might affect you being able to declare him homeless.

AllGoodNamesGone · 08/10/2011 12:24

This will not end well :(

Really would be a good idea to book him into a B&B for Sunday night so he can honestly tell the council that's where he's living. If they know he is at yours, he will be bottom of the list.

Be firm, OP

LydiaWickham · 08/10/2011 12:55

I really hope your sister's visit at half term is confirmed - only way you'll put a deadline on this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2011 14:13

OK, so he's in your house. That doesn't have to mean he sleeps under your roof. Explain that if he is in a B&B when he goes to the housing office he has a far better chance than if he is at your house. By all means give him lunch and dinner, but NOT A BED FOR THE NIGHT!

DownbytheRiverside · 08/10/2011 14:20

'Well he's arrived, with four suitcases! '

This thread has been like watching a car crash in slow motion, with everyone yelling 'noooooo' at the screen.
Your DH needs to make some clear boundaries about what is going to happen or you will spend the next decade posting about how unhappy you all are and how selfish your parasite is.

DownbytheRiverside · 08/10/2011 14:21

Oh, he's 67?
Make that the next two decades then.

diddl · 08/10/2011 14:25

Good grief-just read all of this.

What a mess & what a blöödy idiot FIL sounds.

Three houses in wife´s name-does that really mean that she can throw him out of all of them?

And he just agrees to it?Confused

minsmum · 08/10/2011 14:40

Be very careful ,as he has been out of the country for 15 years and in south America latterly and will have just moved back when thrown out of his home the council may decide that he has made himself intentionally homeless in which case I don't think that they have a legal duty to house him. With housing becoming a scarce commodity they may very well refuse. Also coming from South America I doubt if he will be entitled to any benefits at all including housing benefit.
You need to check this out properly otherwise he may not only be staying with you for the forseeable future but you may be supporting him as well. I would contact shelter if I were you to ask for advice.

confusedpixie · 08/10/2011 14:41

Good luck

Original poster
ohanotherone · 08/10/2011 15:22

Have just in a totally over the top, throw a massive fit, type way explained that he needs to get a B&B asap. DH backed me up although I could see it was hard for him. He is staying tonight and getting a B&B tomorrow.

He did try a argue but I pointed out that I hardly know him from adam and asked him when DS's birthday was, he said february, it is january and then then pointed out that I am BFing an 8 week old. I swore using the f word alot! Blush

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 08/10/2011 15:24

Well done for speaking up. You will feel so relieved come tomorrow when he's gone. He can moan all he likes, but he hasn't got a leg to stand on. He is a stranger to your family through entirely his own doing. Stay strong and don't cave tomorrow.

Roseflower · 08/10/2011 15:31

Get callling B&B's NOW for a booking tommorrow. Do it front of him so he knows you mean it.

I knew you would feel this angry when you saw him (as most people would). It's not good for your families emotional health.

Alouiseg · 08/10/2011 15:36

Hooray! Very well done and said.

Katisha · 08/10/2011 15:39

He will try and get DH on his own now.

TheControversialJessie · 08/10/2011 15:40

If you're second-guessing yourself, I expect lots of MNers can give you dreadful flatmate stories, and you can imagine how much more complicated those problems would be for you, when also responsible for a newborn.

missymarmite · 08/10/2011 16:26

He might have problems getting help as he has been abroad for so long, but if he is 67 he is and OAP so he would be priority, plus at least he has family connections in the area. Good luck!

diddl · 08/10/2011 17:37

Well done OP.

It´s sad that your husband feels so obliged to a man who has essentially done nothing for him.

I think a big factor is that you don´t really know him & your husband is away all week.

clam · 08/10/2011 17:48

I mean, I don't know but I'm sure I read somewhere that British ex-pats in Spain are not entitled to NHS care. Wouldn't this apply to your FIL also?

Kick2down · 08/10/2011 17:54

Fairly certain that any UK citizen returning to UK with the intention of living here fulltime is entitled to NHS care. What you can't do is live FT in Spain, then fly back for a doc's appt and cheap drugs.

Kick2down · 08/10/2011 17:58

And by the way "South America" is NOT corrupt. That's really insulting and ignorant.

His legal problems are not yours, of course, but most S American countries have modern marriage and property laws that are enforceable in fair and accessible courts. Clearly the country he lived in may not, but S America is not a country. And he may well be up to something dodgy, or may never have been there legally.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 08/10/2011 20:01

I don't mean to label South American countries at all, just telling the story and feel like I have to keep some discretion. Know loads of people from that part of the world who are lovely, point I'm making is one man against a system can be difficult in certain countries.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2011 21:04

"I swore using the f word alot!"
And I bet it felt gooood Grin! There are times when nothing else will do. And this is just such a time.