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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
levantine · 04/10/2011 12:58

No no no. Please don't do this. B&B is a good idea. To be honest, even if it is a real stretch I would consider it money well spent to pay for a fortnight for him there and be done - if he says he can't afford it that is.

Stropzilla · 04/10/2011 13:03

NOnono. I've BEEN in this position with a good friend. Arrangement was he would stay for a couple of weeks, get housing benefit and find his own place. HE NEVER DID. Stayed for 5 weeks, with local council saying that as he had somewhere to stay (mine) they couldn't help, not signing on because it was too much hassle and sitting on my sofa, eating my food. I ended up having to make him homeless as he literally did nothing all day other than watch T.V.

Note that this used a good friend of mine who I have not spoken to since. I could not imagine doing this with someone I didn't know.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/10/2011 13:04

I wouldn't let him across my threshold in the circumstances, no matter what DH wanted.

No fucking way would I share my home with a stranger when I had a small baby just because he was biologically related to my husband.

2rebecca · 04/10/2011 13:14

He should have some money from his last place surely? There is no country where the woman gets everything on divorce. Sounds like he's telling porkies.

GoEasyPudding · 04/10/2011 13:17

Please say no. Your DH is away, you have a new baby.
This is not the time to come to this mans rescue.
Saying no now will save you all a lot of pain later.

Suckstobeme · 04/10/2011 13:20

He walked away 15 yrs ago?, tell him to keep walking..............

GeekLove · 04/10/2011 13:20

I really hope that he isn't here already. Let him in and he will be harder to get rid than a toad in a stone.
If he does c

WilsonFrickett · 04/10/2011 13:23

And OP, there's your excuse right there from Stropzilla - 'if we let you stay, it will hinder you getting housing'.

Bunty I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to scare anyone but I do think it's a serious situation and you have to think about the worst case scenario - I don't mean he'd harm the OP of course, but that maybe he'd try and sneak in to sleep or take food or something. Oh I feel bad now, should I delete the post?

GeekLove · 04/10/2011 13:23

Stupid I phone
If he does come then buy a wicker basket. This is so that his dirty laundry, plates etc can go in there so he doesn't get confused and think you are going tondonhis housework for him.

KeepInMind · 04/10/2011 13:27

Bloody hell the cheek of the man.
DO NOT let him in your home

Inertia · 04/10/2011 13:30

I agree with 2rebecca- there has to be more to this than he's telling you. I'd be astounded if any legal process in any country gave all the money to the wife. I'm wondering whether he's actually got mixed up anything illegal, and that's where all the money's gone (not just because of the South America angle, more that he claims to have no money at all). But I'm suspicious like that.

The idea of paying for a B+B for 3 nights for him and then taking him down to the Housing office on Monday may well be your best solution, even though it leaves you out of pocket. You can then legitimately say that it's not possible for him to stay with you.

Please be careful.

Alouiseg · 04/10/2011 13:30

No way should you let this man in, even for a night. If your husband is working away he can go and keep him company. Its a special time for you and your baby, don't let him ruin that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2011 13:31

Your DH works way during the week, so it would be just FIl, you, your 5 year old and the baby? Sorry, your DH is not being soft here, but soft in the head. He may be your husband's father, but it is YOU who will be alone with this stranger in your house, so it is YOU who gets to say yea or nay. If your husband was there too I'd not say that, but he won't be there shouldering the responsibility for conversation and atmosphere so he takes 2nd place here to YOU, the one who's actually going to have to put up with having this 'guest' underfoot.

The suggestion that you book him into a B&B is excellent. That way you are providing him with a short-term (two weeks maximum) stopgap to allow him to concentrate on sorting himself out with housing etc. Because it is not your responsibility to do anything for him. He is an adult and is perfectly capable of fending for himself.

It would be a big mistake to allow this man to be resident even as a unwanted guest, because it could proved difficult to eject him, even best-case scenario would leave you with uncomfortable memories of a time that should be nice with a new baby to enjoy.

TELL HIM TO PARK HIS ARSE ELSEWHERE, YOU ARE NOT GIVING HIM HOUSEROOM.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 13:36

I know he is not an evil person, more of gullible fool type person. I have yet to find out the in's and out's but basically he is living in a corrupt south americian country so probably he can't get cash without selling the home, maybe his wife won't let him do that. We know that his wife has been spending ALOT of money on the house and herself so I can imagine there's actually nothing left!

OP posts:
Roseflower · 04/10/2011 13:40

So he does actually still have a house then I assume in his name? So he isn't homeless?
Surely he should be staying in s.America to sort this mess out not running off.

Whatever happens, he hardly sounds like a decent man, I would probably take what ever story he tells he with a pinch of salt. No doubt he will be the innocent victim in all of this.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 13:41

Well that's not your problem. He hasn't been there for your dh during his good times. In fact he actively told him that any money was going to his new family. Why should you be there during his bad times?

Stropzilla · 04/10/2011 13:49

I'm sure he's not a bad person - my friend wasn't either.

If you DON'T give him shelter, he can go straight to the council office, and at least get a B&B. They won't leave him on the street. This is what my (ex) friend did. I don't think this is something you can organise for him - he has to turn up in person and they will find emergency accommodation. The council wouldn't help me acting on his behalf, but they did help him when he turned up.

PM me if you need to, if you want to know a bit more or whatever, honestly have been there and there would be no chance of me doing it again.

BranchingOut · 04/10/2011 13:55

So he has abandoned his second family too? Nice.

Seriously, take the advice on here and don't let him stay. If you must, just till Monday morning. Then DH has to escort him off the premises.

DO NOT have him staying there when your husband is away. He is a stranger to you and fundamentally you do not know what kind of man he is.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 14:01

I think he has a stash of cash, several thousand, and plans to buy a caravan which will sit on our field. DH has told him no to that.... so then he asked if he could put one on my mums field...DH said no that aswell....also to borrowing the car to go forth and buy the imaginary caravan. Long term though that cash will run out quickly especially as FIL has never lived cheaply in his life so probably has no idea how to make cash last.

He has enough for a B&B aswell (Great idea) but not enough to buy a place of his own.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/10/2011 14:01

"fundamentally you do not know what kind of man he is."

Quite.

Although you do know he is not of good character.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2011 14:15

Good, he can fund his own B&B - get it booked NOW!! Grin

ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 14:21

Whaaat? So basically he has plenty of funds.

FGS don't let him in to mess with your family like he seems to have messed everyone else around. Do you really need to be told this?!

Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 14:40

Right, he can stay a week as this is how long I can bear the MIL stays twice per year! Then it is out! Will re-post to let you all know the outcome!!

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 14:41

so he has money to fund some in the short term until he can sort out a job and long term plan that doesn't involve tipping up your family balance, but he wants you to accomodate him so he can spend that cash on something else?

Don't feel sorry about saying no. He can sort himself out. Sounds like the sort that always lands on his feet, but that normally means at the expense of others. Don't let him make you the others in this case. Say no, don't feel guilty for a moment.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 14:42

It won't be a week. Just say no all together.