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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
bakeyouhappy · 05/10/2011 00:47

What does 'woman half his age' have to do with it? Would you be willing to put him up if she were just 5 years younger?

bakeyouhappy · 05/10/2011 00:47

What does 'woman half his age' have to do with it? Would you be willing to put him up if she were just 5 years younger?

Original poster
ohanotherone · 05/10/2011 10:44

Stropzilla - I think you are right!!

Bakeyouhappy - The woman half his age thing is relevant to what he done in the past rather than now, the impact of him going off with a much younger woman on my MIL was awful and she always equates DH as being like his dad and has been pretty down on DH because of that even though he is nothing like his dad. Also FIL has bought affection from this woman, eg, £400 a month on make up and now he is retiring (actually past retiring age) and has no money she has chucked him out.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 10:54

Good luck turfing him out.

I suspect that will not go well.

But - you're a better person than I am because after all that you describe, someone wanting to then pitch up at my house, would have been told to fuck right off and not think they could take me for a mug!

You obviously have a heart as big as a bucket. I just hope it doesn't come back and bite you on the arse.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 05/10/2011 11:08

My heart is getting smaller and harder with the help of this thread!!! It is too late to stop him from coming now as DH and stupidly myself has agreed to it! I was really Sad and Angry last night when DH said that he just longed for a normal father who sat and watched football and helped him with fixing things around the house. I realised that DH has agreed to this just to have some contact with him, me likewise because DS would actually get to see a grandad. I have always been sad because I have never met mine and my dad died many years ago.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 05/10/2011 11:16

Right then, so you can't stop him arriving, but you've got to put a firm end date in place, what does your DH think is a reasonable length of time?

You need someone else arriving to stay at that point so there is no negotiation about the length of time he can stay, and tell him when he gets here/today before he leaves Spain. I still think the best person to have coming to stay to force him out is his exW. Failling that, call your mum or a friend, explain the situation and ask would they mind coming to stay to force the issue.

If you just tell him he can stay a week, you'll get to 6 days later, he won't have anywhere else to stay and you'll have no reason why he can't stay longer other than "I don't want you too", and you have already proved to be too nice to say that.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 05/10/2011 11:21

I think my sister is definatley coming down for half term Wink

OP posts:
GeekLove · 05/10/2011 11:21

I hope you will have that appointment with the Housing Office ready along with the big basket for his things if he 'forgets' to do his laundry/washing up.

LydiaWickham · 05/10/2011 11:34

Good - tell him before he arrives - as it's your sister, it's even better, your DH can call him tonight and say he forgot that you'd said your sister was coming so you can only offer your spare room until X date.

BranchingOut · 05/10/2011 21:00

When he arrives take him on a 'tour' of the amenities, as you would a lodger.

"Here is the washing machine, now the cycle you need is number 7 and the soap powder lives under here...although I don't expect you will need to do much as you are only here for a week."

"If you want to put any food in the fridge, you can use this shelf. Could you cook on Tuesday night, Wednesday night and Thursday before you leave?"

Original poster
ohanotherone · 06/10/2011 11:01

Oh what the F**k have I done...

DH told me last night on the phone that FIL hadn't asked to come, he had said 'I'll HAVE to come and stay...'

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 06/10/2011 11:04

He hasn't arrived yet - it's not too late to call a halt to this now. No one is entitled to come and stay in your home, without you inviting them.

Call him now and say that it isn't a good time to have people visit and would he like you to book a B&B? If he pushes it, there is nothing wrong with a bit of honesty and plain speaking.

GeekLove · 06/10/2011 11:13

He's not here yet. Give him your number (preferably a PAYG mobile) meet him in q local pub/cafe and present him with a list of hotels/bbs and the Housing Office details.

Hope he hasn't got your address. If not say you've moved.

In extremes remember the basket...

NinkyNonker · 06/10/2011 11:20

It is absolutely not too late. No-one tells me that they 'have to come' and stay in my house. Sod that.

If DH is determined to help him (I can understand that, family ties and all that) then he needs to firmly tell him that he cannot invite himself to stay. He, DH, is allowing him to stay for a set period, a week or 10 days. He needs to tell him that he has a young baby and that the father will be expected to pull his weight completely and that an appointment has been made for him to find housing. A caravan will not be appearing on any family land.

Alternatively, just keep repeating no, that won't be possible. Ad nauseam. I know which I would do.

QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 11:27

So his relationship has failed, and he has buggered off. (Again) First time he went to some other woman. Now he comes to his sons family.
Did he also leave his job? Did he have a job?

I would book him into a reasonable B&B (and be prepared to pay the first week myself), have him over for dinner the day he arrives, and just take him to the b&b. Say you imagined it was only for a weeks break after his new marriage failed, that he cannot stay with you, and he should get back to his home and to work, rather than abandon another family.

QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 11:28

OP, your dh is NOT helping him by letting him settle in his home! He is causing problems for his OWN family.

The best way your dh can help his dad is to make him go back home, get a lawyer, sort out his affairs and return to his job! Here with you guys, he has nothing.

Roseflower · 06/10/2011 12:49

OP... Im afraid to say I think we will be seeing a lot more AIBU reasonable posts from you over the next few weeks...

Unless you can stop this now. Good luck

Original poster
ohanotherone · 06/10/2011 14:02

Quintesstialdead - I'm afraid that he can't go back to his south americian home as his south americian wife has properly kicked him out and is not letting him into the house. I suspect now he is retired and the cash has run out that she doesn't want to look after an older man (67 years old). Having said that neither do I.

OP posts:
QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 14:10

I reckon, if they are still married, she will be getting his pension, too. Sad

BranchingOut · 06/10/2011 14:23

Sorry, but I don't think we should be giving the south american wife a hard time without knowing more about the situation. If she is his wife and they have children together, then she probably is entitled to the family home, plus a proportion of his pension.

Roseflower · 06/10/2011 14:26

I have no idea about S.American law- but really-it is lawful to let your spouse be homeless (for a property he paid for I believe?) does not sound right to me...

QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 14:27

Sure, I reckon he is not exactly a catch, but this means he has even less to live on when rebuilding his new life in the uk, hopefully independent of his son and the sons wife.

Xiaoxiong · 06/10/2011 14:42

Well OP, you don't want to look after him which is entirely reasonable given his behaviour. And guess what, you are the only person in this situation who can actually do something about it. No one else is going to step in as deus ex machina and save you from this entitled freeloader.

Sit down with your DH - tell him how you're feeling and that you want to do what karma and geeklove and quint and ninky and everyone else is suggesting and then get on the blower to a B&B, stat.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 06/10/2011 14:43

They haven't had children together, he has adult step children though for whom he has looked after for the last 15 years, paid for uni, bought cars and flats etc....

Ummm I have tried to reserve judgement on wife but really think she was playing the long game with FIL. Yes, she is entitled to some money but not to spend half a millon dollars on a house with a pool, thousands on herself, buy excessive and expensive amounts of things for the house and then throw him out without a penny. At the minute, she is demanding money from him to return his passport!! So, whilst it takes two to tango, there is an element of unreasonable behaviour on her part.

THE FOOL!

OP posts:
Roseflower · 06/10/2011 14:46

Something is not right. Who on earth would just walk away from all that money so easily, especially at his age...

I bet he has done something worse than he is telling....

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