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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 11:23

Agree that once he's in you will find it very hard to get him out. Social housing is not easily available to single men (they are very low down on the list) and he won't be considered a priority if he's staying with you, because he won't actually be homeless.

You will be doing yourself a huge favour if you put a stop to this now. You and dh owe this man nothing. and yes, he will want to borrow money, that you'll never see again.

BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 11:27

I don't know a lot about it., but I gather the Salvation Army don't turn anyone away?
Don't let him stay at all, or he isn't homeless. It is unpleasant to have to say no, but unless you give him a home for life, that point will come anyway, so you might as well get it over with.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 11:27

Once he gets his foot over the threshold, he will be there indefinitely

Sorry about that

If you haven't the guts heart to tell him to do one now before he arrives, you certainly won't discover any backbone when he can't get any other accomodation lined up and he is resident with you

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 04/10/2011 11:27

Oh, make sure you tell the housing officer that he is not welcome to stay with you and you're kicking him out on x date and it is non negotiable. This will help his application - as well as being true. If they are obliged to house him - and I don't kmow if they are or not- they don't have to do it if he has a viable alternative.

Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 11:31

Yes, I will go with him to the housing office and make it plain that staying is not an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 11:32

When I crashed my car he did say I could go to spain to recuperate. He has been living in South Americia for the last 5 years, spain before that!

OP posts:
forehead · 04/10/2011 11:34

Do not let him live in your house. You WILL regret it.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 04/10/2011 11:37

I'd also find out about the 'every penny he ever earnt'. He could afford the flight over? Bank accounts don't need luggage space. He might not have the house, cars etc but I wouldn't be surprised if he had something squirreled away - even if it's nothing compared to what he's lost.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 04/10/2011 11:38

I was going to say you should support your DH in whatever he wants to do since he's been hurt most by this chancer but if you have an 8 week old baby I think you are well within your rights to tell him to fuck the fuck off.

AKMD · 04/10/2011 11:40

TBH it sounds like this man is a stranger. I wouldn't let a stranger live in my house.

LemonDifficult · 04/10/2011 11:41

Ooooh. If you left him in, he's staying. Your house will become the 'default position' in both his mind and that of Housing Assoc's etc. And because every other option presented to him is likely to be worse than living with you, he will see you as 'throwing him out'. If you don't let him in that can't happen.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 04/10/2011 11:46

Ah. I've re-read your OP and seen he's not actually in your home yet. I would have a quick ring around and find out how much it would cost to put him up in a guest house for a week or two. You might find it easier to spend x amount on that than to let him into your home - which will make it difficult to get him out.

pigletmania · 04/10/2011 11:47

I would not have it, the way he has treated you all. Would he have done the same to you. He had made his bed and has to lie in it

BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 11:50

I would warn him in advance eg Sorry we can't have you here but there is a nice B&B nearby, shall I make a provisional booking for you?

Maybe you could visit for Sunday lunch, DH will be here then? etc.

clam · 04/10/2011 11:50

Won't the housing officer ask him if he has somewhere to stay? He'll say yes, you. You'll be snookered.

ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 12:05

If he's a shit like you say he is, once he is through that door you will have HELL ON EARTH getting him to leave.

You're about to ruin the next month of your time with your baby, and probably more.

Easiest thing to do - flat NO. We have a newborn baby. You cannot stay here.

If you give him a place, you'll have to throw him out AND PROVE IT before he can get anywhere else. And he'll want to stay, so he'll throw spanners in the works. Right now, he could just get a hostel place.

Don't make it come to a screaming tears pouring showdown with your DH before he's booted out - don't let him in.

pigletmania · 04/10/2011 12:17

He hasn't got anyware to stay if you refuse him, which you should before he comes.

TandB · 04/10/2011 12:19

Very, very difficult. My practical side is screaming "just say no!" but if he literally has nowhere else to go and no money then I would find it very, very difficult to say a flat no.

But does he have any money at all? Surely whatever has happened with his new family hasn't literally left him peniless? How did it happen?

I would be inclined to demand some very detailed information about what exactly has happened, what his financial circumstances are, what his plans are in terms of housing etc. If he is evasive then that gives you an easy get-out - if he can't be honest with you when he is asking such a huge favour then you can't trust him enough to let him stay. If he has any money at all I would be inclined to insist that he agrees to you booking him into a guesthouse of some sort after a week staying at yours - that would give him time to see the housing office etc and get an idea of what is likely to happen. If he genuinely has no money, then I would help him set up the relevant appointments and provide him with a letter to the housing office stating that he can stay at yours for a maximum of 1 week and then you will be make him leave as there is no room for him and he is not considered a close family member due to an estrangement.

And if he does stay, agree in advance that he can sleep there and eat his evening meal there but will have to be out of the house from 9am to 5pm because you need the space.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 12:22

And who is supposed to financially support him, when he turns up at yours with no money? Can you afford and do you want to support another adult?

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 12:27

have you negotiated rent, btw ?

WilsonFrickett · 04/10/2011 12:37

I think NarkyPuffin's advice is good OP, just in case you missed it - if you and dh really do want to help him, can you afford to pay for him to stay in a guest house for a week or so? I really do think that if you let him in, you'll have real problems getting him out.

Does your DP work away a lot? I don't want to scaremonger but if you are going to be on your own frequently, letting him stay puts you in a vulnerable position. He could get keys cut, he'll know your routine - please don't be scared, but take action to prevent any kind of situation like that taking place. Don't let him stay.

BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 12:40

Yes, say 'sorry we can't have you here, the B & B down the road is nice. I don't suppose it is out of your price range - shall I make a provisional booking for you?'

If he says he can't pay for a B&B, say, 'But then how were you going to pay rent to us when you thought you could live here?'

Then he will know where he stands.

BuntyPenfold · 04/10/2011 12:43

WisonFrickett that scares me on the OPs behalf.
Imagine being up in the night, feeding the baby, you hear the door open...I never thought of anyone having keys cut.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 04/10/2011 12:47

I personally would say a big fat no to him.

Also who is going to be supporting him financially if he has no money? answer is he will expect you and DH to pay his way. After how he has treated his son that is well out of order.

Sounds like he had no interest in his GC while life was good with his new family either, what a fucking chancer.

mummytime · 04/10/2011 12:52

I agree, don't let him in. Book him into a local B and B (I'd only pay for a few nights), and then give him practical support in looking for places, invite him to dinner but don't let him move in.