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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 04/10/2011 14:45

FWIW I think you're completely crazy especially now you've said he could afford a B&B & I would bet serious money on this man overstaying his welcome. I also think you will really regret losing this precious time alone with your newborn. DON'T DO IT Sad

LemonDifficult · 04/10/2011 14:48

How about organising for a friend to come and stay at the end of that week? He'll have to leave for your friend to arrive.

TandB · 04/10/2011 14:49

If he has money then he is taking the piss to think he can impose himself on the family he abandoned years ago simply to save money and hassle.

I am reverting to my original "just say no" idea!

ImpYCelyn · 04/10/2011 14:49

You'll never get him out after a week.

You need to say no right now.

levantine · 04/10/2011 14:52

It will be harder to ask him to leave after a week than it will be to say no now

AllGoodNamesGone · 04/10/2011 14:53

No, no a thousand times no!! Please do not let him stay for a week as it will turn into to, then four and so on until you end up agreeing to the caravan just so you get him out fo the house and then he will be coming into have a bath, poo, do laundry (or get you to do it)

Pleeeeeeease book the B&B.

(you know you are going to waiting on him hand and foot if he does stay don't you)

Roseflower · 04/10/2011 14:54

You really need to think about the emotional cost too. Having someone who has treated your DH like shite and is now using you is bound to make you seeth inside.

I would just want to explode. There would be this giant elephant in the room all the time. It would be akward at best.

mummymeister · 04/10/2011 14:59

Once hes in you will be stuck with him. there will always be some reason each week why he can't move out. how dare he do this to you? I do not think it is your dh's decision if he stays or not but a joint one. this is your home and this stranger wants to pitch up and be waited on hand and foot because he has blown it all on someone else. he wont get housing - lowest of the low priority as a single man with some money. find a local b and b get a price and book him in. he is using you until something better comes along. tell him today/now he is welcome to visit to see his grandchildren but under no circumstances can he stay. bitter experience of this - sort it now or it will hang over and between you.

lechatnoir · 04/10/2011 15:02

I absolutely agree that you need to keep in mind that however awkward you think it will be to say no over the phone before he arrives, imagine how much more difficult it will be face to face once he's nice & comfortable on your sofa. You ask for an opinion & have 50+ people telling you not to let him stay I just hope to goodness you don't ignore everyone.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 15:03

oooh, great solution, can you call your MIL, and invite her to stay the weekend after this one? So call your FIL, say he can stay until Friday 14th, but has to be out by then as his exW will be needing your guest room then, unless he'd like to sleep on the sofa, with his exW gloating about how his marriage to the woman he left her for was such a disater?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2011 15:03

"Right, he can stay a week "
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!

Once he is in it will be very difficult to get him out. Unless you are the sort of person to get pleasure from spending your evenings alone with him, torturing him with jibes about how horribly he has behaved and how he deserves nothing from his son and what a bastard he is - just NO!

He can afford to make his own living arrangements; he is not penniless and homeless, just a tosser trying to sponge off someone he shafted without a second thought and wouldn't think twice about shafting again!

If your husband is too emotionally scarred by this non-relationship, step up to the plate and protect him from this nightmare scenario, FFS!

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 15:08

No, no

Oh dear

You seem quite determined to make lifficult for yourself

You do realise he will get a caravan put on your field while you are looking the other way, don't you (not literlayy...but you know what I mean)

he has thousands ?

he does not stay with you, no way

you are both being made mugs of

What happened to you to turn you into such a sap ?

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 15:08

difficult

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2011 15:09

ohanotherone

If you let this man into your home you will never get him out again without a fight on your hands.

He has and continues to treat you both with contempt.

Do not make the mistake my stupid ILs did; a different relation granted but BIL now rules the roost and takes the mickey.

Don't be soft hearted; this guy is wanting to use you both for his own ends.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2011 15:10

A week can so easily turn into a month then three.

You will rue the day you made that decision, on what basis did you actually decide that?.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 15:10

wtf is wrong with my typing Hmm

proudfoot · 04/10/2011 15:15

Just tell him no.

Stropzilla · 04/10/2011 15:18

You're too kind hearted! I can appreciate where you're coming from and it's so easy to think he'll definately be out in a week. I'll be impressed if he really is, and I hope he will be for your sake. Assuming you go ahead and let him stay, do one thing. Have some house rules that are strictly enforced! My "guest" was too lazy to take his plates out to the kitchen, and even refused my offers to wash his clothes.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 04/10/2011 15:25

If you let him in, you will be on here in a month moaning about how he is still there, stares at your boobs when you are feeding, makes a mess, won't buy any shopping etc etc etc.
You will complain - FIL will tell DH that you are being mean, DH will feel in the middle and it will all turn to shit.

Do yourself, your baby and your marriage a favour and keep the door shut.

Xiaoxiong · 04/10/2011 15:39

I've got to say your username is very appropriate - ohanotherone of those women who are way too soft hearted and determined to make life unbearable for themselves in the future because they'll do anything to avoid a difficult but mercifully short conversation right now.

Please listen to all the good advice here. Explaining that he can't stay and taking him straight to a B&B will be like ripping off a plaster - sticky and unpleasant but short and for the best, avoiding long term festering complications!

manicbmc · 04/10/2011 15:54

If he has a couple of thousand why can't he rent somewhere?

AnyoneButLulu · 04/10/2011 16:33

If he is a brilliant cook, cleaner, nappy changer and breast pump steriliser then he can stay.

Otherwise I'd be taking the Inigo Montoya line
"You can stay as long as you like on just one condition.....you come to my graduation"

Pseudo341 · 04/10/2011 22:17

If you are perfectly happy to put him up and cook his dinners and do his washing for several months at least then by all means invite him in, if not then don't let him spend one night under your roof otherwise that is exactly what you'll end up doing. This man is completely self serving and will continue to crap all over you and your family as long as you let him. Having him stay would be massively stressful for you, could end up putting quite a strain on your marriage, and a five year old is hardly going to be oblivious to the tension in the house.

The absolute most I'd do for him is book his B&B (not pay for it) and offer to transport him from airport to B&B when he arrives. Make sure you pick a B&B without convenient transport links to your house otherwise he'll keep showing up on your doorstep expecting to be fed. Though to be honest I'm not sure I'd even be answering his phone calls after the way he's behaved.

skybluepearl · 04/10/2011 23:01

tell him he can stay for three weeks only.

skybluepearl · 04/10/2011 23:08

sorry ignore my last comment. you have an 8 week old baby and a husband away mid week, his presence could be a nightmare. tell him no but advise him to go to the council housing department and explain that he is homeless. they can put him up in emergency accomodation.