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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL has no right to ask to come and live with us....

191 replies

ohanotherone · 04/10/2011 10:21

when 15 years ago he ran off with a woman half his age, has lived abroad ever since, visited us 4 times since then, didn't bother to come to his own sons graduation, doesn't know his birthday, only calls us when he wants something, previously told DH that any inheritance etc... will go to his new family???

Now his new wife has fleeced him for every penny he has ever earnt (quite a sunstantial amount) he has called and is arriving on friday with nothing but a suitcase....

OP posts:
QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 14:48

Yes, he needs to be in south america and fight for a home for himself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2011 14:51

Ooh yes, a much better idea than a B&B - staying in South America!! Grin

Original poster
ohanotherone · 06/10/2011 14:51

Roseflower, South Americia is corrupt and VERY dangerous, he may be faced with no option!

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 06/10/2011 14:56

Start as you mean to on.

You won't be able to get him out once he's in.

As your husbands not around during the week he might not realise how difficult it is having a stranger in the house, which could well cause problems for you if you reach the end of your tether while your DH may not be able to fully appreciate it.

I wouldn't do it.

It's up to you, far easier to refuse him entry then to kick him out once he's happily ensconced in your household.

Will you be expected to cook & clean for him for the duration of his stay?

Gigondas · 06/10/2011 15:06

You and dh are letting your fantasies of father /grandfather figure muddy the reality here. Past behaviour shows your fil to be self centered disloyal and cruel.
Letting him stay is a mistake- as others have said by all means point him in direction of somewhere to stay, take him for dinner , let him visit etc but having him stay is a mistake as it won't end well. Also how does your mil feel about all this?

Gigondas · 06/10/2011 15:10

Yes but he didn't think of all that when not bothering with his kids when he left for her another one.
Whilst I can see the desire to have some Of relationship for you (although as posted before I think you may be disappointed in what you hope for), you dont have to go far on Aibu for stories that show extended stays by family dont usually end well ESP when you throw in one partner being away , struggling with house guest/small child into mix .

NotActuallyAMum · 06/10/2011 15:46

"South Americia is corrupt and VERY dangerous"

Yes - and if he has done something dodgy and they trace him to your house...

Not wanting to scare you but you know nothing about this man. It's not too late to tell him he's not coming

Stropzilla · 06/10/2011 16:06

Just caught up with this thread - I'm sorry, he said "I'll HAVE to come and stay with you"??? I bloody think not! That attitude alone tells me he'll be there more than a week and his sense of entitlement is astounding. It'll be "I have nowhere else to go yet, I'll HAVE to stay a month". And then another month. And another, because he HAS to. Are you really going to let this total stranger tell you what's going on in your own home?? Please, for the sanity of yourself and your family don't do it. Not even 1 night, take him straight to you local council and make sure you know where your nearest homeless shelter is, and be prepared to put him in a cab if you have to, and get him there.

I understand DH's need for a father figure (my DH has same issues), but this self absorbed stranger will NOT give him that. If you want to build ties, provide some company first, meals together etc but not a room. Don't. Just don't. He's going to take you for a ride, and believe me when I say it could ruin your marriage and you need to put that first. If he tells you "I HAVE to stay", just tell him "Well, I HAVE to put my family first, so off you fuck".

What are you going to do if after a week he still has nowhere to go?

troisgarcons · 06/10/2011 16:08

Where in South America? It isn't all dangerous and full of gansters!

levantine · 06/10/2011 16:28

Your baby is eight weeks old!! Such a precious time and you will end up spending in skivvying for a strange old man without your husband to support you.

Don't do this to yourself

whatever conversation you have in your head about what being a 'good' person is, you have to give it up. This isn't it

Original poster
ohanotherone · 06/10/2011 16:36

I guess danger is in the perception of it but a compound security fence, rotweilers and guns foe self protection seem pretty dangerous to me!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2011 16:40

'I'll HAVE to come and stay...' - well, there's a big fat warning for you of how he is going to be ...

OP, I do think you and your DH have an unrealistic view of what having FIL to live with you is going to be like. He's a blood relative, but also a stranger. And a stranger who has done bad things to DH and the rest of his family. It will not be like putting up your sister. At best there will be awkward silences; at worst screaming recriminations. 'Things' are likely to be said that will not be able to be unsaid. These things may be said by any one of the three. Four, if MIL pops in for a cuppa.

This 'visit' is extremely unlikely to heal any rifts, but is extremely likely to leave your DH feeling absolutely terrible. All manner of feelings are likely to surface. It will be an incredible strain on you both, and I can honestly see no reason for you both to put yourself through this trauma.

Please, get your DH to read this thread, think through what everyone has said about it - I believe it in a rare unanimous AIBU thread - and jointly tell FIL to sling his hook. Please. You sound far too nice to be put upon at what should be such a lovely time for you.

TheControversialJessie · 06/10/2011 16:52

Look, you are planning on having a housemate move in, who has already proven himself to be a self-centred, inconsiderate bastard about big things, like graduations, children, maintenance, and maintaining family relationships.

You are planning to do this when still adjusting to having your very own child.

How do you think it's going to go?!

TheControversialJessie · 06/10/2011 16:56

Flatshares between young and fairly reasonable, still footless and fancy-free 20-somethings frequently end in acrimony!

QuintessentialDead · 06/10/2011 18:26

If he has lived in South America the last 15 years, made enough money to pay for house with swimming pool, flats and cars for his wifes children, I dare say he knows South America well enough to stay there and get back on his feet......

Instead he is chosing to come and sponge off you.

Something about this does not sit right with me.

AllGoodNamesGone · 06/10/2011 22:23

I think you may have to play the bad guy and simply tell your DH that you are not prepared to have FIL to stay - tell him you simply cannot cope with having someone extra there while you have a tiny baby, that the very thought of it is stressing you and you are afraid it might turn into PND and that he (DH) must make other arrangements for his Dad. They can work on their relationship and have a much better chance of improving it with FIL in his own place.

I agree that your DH probably has no idea of how stressful it is having people to stay. It may be 2011 but most of the extra work generated still seems to fall upon the shoulders of the hostess and even if your DH pulls his weight when he's at home, he's away most of the time. The thought of a 67 year old man (especially one I didn't know well or like very much!) asking me what time will dinner be ready when I had a tiny baby to look after is bringing me out in a cold sweat.

My FIL is a lovely man but I could not contemplate having him (or anyone else for that matter) to stay for more than a few days let alone indefinitely with no other home to go back to.

levantine · 06/10/2011 22:27

It will end like this:

You: "I just can't stand it, he hangs around the house all day because he's got nowhere to go and I'm so tired, you have to tell him to go"

DH: "What do you expect me to do, I can't just tell him to f off, he's my dad"

Lots of shouting and crying

FIL ends up in a caravan in the garden forever

2rebecca · 06/10/2011 22:29

This doesn't make any sense. Surely the house and pool are half his and he can force her to sell. Why isn't he throwing her out? S America isn't known as a feminist haven.

WilsonFrickett · 06/10/2011 22:31

Op, have you thought about showing your DP this thread? whereyouleft is dead on, I don't think I've ever seen such a unanimous thread.

warthog · 06/10/2011 22:40

for your 8 week old, tell fil he can't come. you have to put your baby first.

warthog · 06/10/2011 22:41

and i agree that something doesn't add up here. he wants a cosy life where someone other than himself does his cooking and washing. his wife won't do that anymore so he figures he'll bestow his presence on his unsuspecting ds & dil. this isn't about his needs but his wants.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2011 22:53

Re things not adding up - has anyone ever seen this expensive house with swimming pool? Could it just be all talk, because he's a loser who feels the need to impress? Oh God, another reason not to let him over your threshold OP, he's expecting you to bankroll him!

Original poster
ohanotherone · 07/10/2011 09:33

I have seen photos of the house being built, about 3 years ago, the last time he was visiting. I bet it is totally in her name! I could never show DH this thread as he would be really upset. DH said last night he already fed up of him as he keeps e-mailing him about stuff, he's fed up of only being contacted to do chores/when he needs something and he has no intention of bankrolling him. He doesn't need this stress, he works really hard for us.

OP posts:
ChitChattingWithKids · 07/10/2011 09:42

Book him in a B&B not too far from your house and drop him off there rather than bringing him back to your house! Then if his money runs out and he is homeless he can be given emergency council housing. If he is in your house he isn't an emergency and will NEVER get a council house!

learningtofly · 07/10/2011 09:53

You never know he may have forgotten what's its like living with a young family - boisterous early risers, disturbed nights sleep, enough to put anyone off! My sis and bil came to stay for 3 weeks while they had some work done on their house - they lasted 2 nights cause they couldn't hack the noise! (night terrors)

More seriously though this situation would not sit comfortablely with me either and I really can't see it working out well Tbh