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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get why some women feel 'cheated' on when they find porn

344 replies

M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 11:28

Now I know most porn threads turn into a debate and article about why porn is wrong on many levels. I understand that part!!

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

He's not shagging those in the films/mags whatever, so why do women get obsessed when it comes to their bloke watching porn films/sites or buying mags?

OP posts:
AliceWhirledSupportsTheStrike · 01/07/2011 11:31

Cheating for me is an emotional process not just a physical one. It's the emotional detachment from you to another, be they physically there, online, on a video, or on a bit of paper.

Shagging is not the sum total of cheating.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 11:31

I was thinking the exact same thing but from an opposite stance!

How is not cheating though? How do you justify that- is getting sexual gratification from someone outside your marriage ok?

Nowtspecial · 01/07/2011 11:33

Would it bother you if it were gay porn ?

michelleseashell · 01/07/2011 11:34

I don't understand it either. I've even heard it extends to women feeling betrayed because their husband had a sly wank in the shower.

I just don't mind. I guess that way I don't ever feel lied to because it doesn't have to be a secret.

ShatnersBassoon · 01/07/2011 11:34

I suppose it's the sense of being left out of part of their partner's sex life. For some women it's the revelation of a secret sex life which can be hurtful even when there is no 'other woman'.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2011 11:37

YANBU... I also wonder if men ever feel cheated on if they discover their DW has had a cheeky once round the block with a Rampant Rabbit and a steamy novel?

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 11:37

But there is another woman! Your DH is getting sexually aroused and having an orgasam to another woman (well maybe man/animal/ whatever)

Just because he didnt physically touch her it is ok?

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 11:39

Coco - really? You have never thought about anyone other than your partner and gained gratification from it? No Johnny Depp fantasies?

DontGoCurly · 01/07/2011 11:39

They're not shagging them, but they want to. That's the problem. They're shagging them mentally.

charliejosh · 01/07/2011 11:40

to call it cheating is ridiculous

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 11:41

No not at all I need to have an emotional connection to someone personally also. I find my DH the sexiest man alive he is enough.

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 01/07/2011 11:42

Grin at "once round the block with a rampant rabbit"!

Original poster
M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 11:43

Damn phone. Posted a long reply and phone crashed. But in mean time there's more post. Glad. Its not just me thinking it. Yeah like a pp said 'what about when he has a sly wank in the shower, what if he told you and then said 'he'd had a good 'think' about you' meaning he'd imagined shagging you whilst having a wank?

Why is it ok for a women to pleasure herself to her hearts content with a rabbit/bullt/fingerHmm but its not ok for her dh to have a wank!

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 11:43

Damn phone. Posted a long reply and phone crashed. But in mean time there's more post. Glad. Its not just me thinking it. Yeah like a pp said 'what about when he has a sly wank in the shower, what if he told you and then said 'he'd had a good 'think' about you' meaning he'd imagined shagging you whilst having a wank?

Why is it ok for a women to pleasure herself to her hearts content with a rabbit/bullt/fingerHmm but its not ok for her dh to have a wank!

OP posts:
michelleseashell · 01/07/2011 11:46

Shagging them mentally? I really don't see it like that at all. It's just men prefer visual stimulation and I'm happy with my imagination. He doesn't want to set up shop with some random boobs. He just wants a little look at them.

Not to have a go at you or anything. It just genuinely puzzles me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2011 11:46

Isn't a big part of the problem that men (and this is a sweeping generalisation, I'll grant you) are aroused by the visual? Whereas women (in my rampant rabbit and steamy novel example) can be aroused by the mental - no visual required? So if a man wants to masturbate (and I hope no-one thinks men should stop doing that just because they're married) then he's likely to need a visual stimulus of some kind as an 'aide erotique'. Whereas women can be less obvious.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/07/2011 11:47

It's unusual never to have fantasies about someone other than the officially-sanctioned partner. Most people now and again have a wank while thinking of a sleb/a picture they've seen/the attractive new colleague and it doesn't mean that they have any intention of acting on the fantasy, just that it's a pleasant mental diversion.
If you are so intensely monogamous that your partner having fantasies seems like cheating to you, then you had better seek out a partner who is just as intensely monogamou as you, otherwise it's all going to go horribly wrong, with one partner forever having jealous tantrums and the other feeling absolutely suffocated and controlled.

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 11:47

i dont understand it either your dp does not know these women/men, they are not sneaking to hotels and having babies with or telling them their deepest darkest secrets. it is simple sexual gratification whether there is porn involved or like mentioned above its a wank in the shower whilst fantasying over something else. if it isnt made a taboo subject then dp's dont have to lie about it. i dont see why gay porn would be any more controversial, men watch lesbian porn all the time as do women.
for me cheating is when dp betrays your trust with another person i dont see how that translate to wanking by themselves.

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 11:48

No role play?

Seroiusly, my husband is more than enough for me and I would never venture outside that but who doesnt look at film/tv stars or something like policemen/firemen/footballers/ atheletes/ whatever else floats your boat, and doesnt get a bit hot under the collar?

To be honest I think men and porn is a lot MORE faithful than that as its rarely the actual women they want its the act or attitude they want.

Crosshair · 01/07/2011 11:49

I thought most men in general need some form of visual stimulation to have a wank. Women not so much?

I think people feel like its a breach of trust and therefore can be very upsetting for them.

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 11:50

its also a massive generalisation that women are not just as visual as men.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 11:51

What an authortive post SCGB. Im glad you have inner knowledge to every adults sexual imaginations. I do wonder how you know so much.

PrisonerZero · 01/07/2011 11:52

Its not the looking at porn that bothers me so much - although I don't like it - its the deciet that goes along with it, the deleting internet history, using a mobile phone in the bathroom, hiding magazines (why should things be hidden from me, in my own home. Hiding them from the children - fine). Also the lies, when i've asked if he (talking about an ex here not DP) has been looking at porn, when I know he has, only to have him lie to my face. If he wanted to look at porn then thats fine, hes an adult and i'm not his mother, but to lie, sneak around and treat me like an idiot is not fine.

Also, there is a difference between porn and interactive sex sites, like facebook of sex and fuckbook etc - to me they are unnacceptable.

My DP can have a wank whenever he pleases, infact half the time I tell him too as I am tired/can't be bothered/not in the mood etc, he doesn't as far as I know use porn but thats mainly because he has seen so much of it in the past that it bores him and because he can't be arsed to get out of bed and go downstairs to the computer I suppose.

michelleseashell · 01/07/2011 11:52

Yes the visual thing is a massive generalisation. My husband doesn't actually even look at porn ever because he's not that into it. I wouldn't mind at all if he was though.

I think if he was texting someone or on a dating website, THAT would piss me off. Not random magazines or videos though.

AliceWhirledSupportsTheStrike · 01/07/2011 11:54

Ah yes, I forgot that men are more visual. Except when it comes to 'seeing' dirt and mess in the house, then they struggle.