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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get why some women feel 'cheated' on when they find porn

344 replies

M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 11:28

Now I know most porn threads turn into a debate and article about why porn is wrong on many levels. I understand that part!!

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

He's not shagging those in the films/mags whatever, so why do women get obsessed when it comes to their bloke watching porn films/sites or buying mags?

OP posts:
Crosshair · 01/07/2011 13:23
VelvetSnow · 01/07/2011 13:25
glitterkitty · 01/07/2011 13:27
spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 13:29

coco you irritated me its true, you had a go at some one making a perfectly valid point and then seemed to revel in dismissing every point i made because it differed from yours. the fact that you only use your dh husband to masturbate is great for you and no it hasnt rattled me but i thought the conversation had moved on from that particular point and so i commented on it and got once again a suitably odd response. you seem to be on a very moral high ground and from personal experience i would say they are tricky areas to hold on to at best. i do wish you the best of luck and hope you always feel that way about your dh.

HowlingBitch · 01/07/2011 13:30

This thread is basically saying:

"Ok forget the fact that the porn industry is full of women being abused, humiliated, exploited and in many cases raped. Why do you think your husband secretly having orgasms watching a man have full sex with another women is cheating?"

The deceit and lies of it all is alot of the times what hurts women the most and in many instances these men are not having sex with their own wives but prefer to go masturbate while watching porn. This happened to a dear friend of mine and I can say from personally watching what she went through that it is very easy to view it as cheating when your DP is sneaking down stairs at 3 AM to have a wank whilst watching another woman having sex when he refused sex with you a couple of hours before hand.

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 13:30

there are nipple gold stars??? why didnt i get any?

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 13:31

Coco - have you ever fantasized you dh as a fireman/policeman etc? Because thats on the same lines it maybe your dh physical appearance but its not really dh you are thinking of is it?

Crosshair · 01/07/2011 13:31
spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 13:33

thanks.

Malificence · 01/07/2011 13:34

You really can't understand why a woman would feel betrayed if she had been married for years , had absolutely no idea that her partner used porn, or was lead to believe by him that he had no interest in it, only to find that he was a regular user? Seriously?

It would be humiliating, distressing and upsetting for her , surely you can see that?

Being lied to is the main issue, it would be no different if it was drugs/drink/gambling/ whatever. It's being made a fool of, but porn is somehow more personal, going by hundreds of threads on here about it.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 13:34

I havent dismissed you spooks. I really wanted to know what made the difference and what crossed the line to constitute cheating.

What is wrong with society that being 100% faithful to your partner both mentally and physically is now a bad thing?

I am not berating you for thinking of other people, but I will not be made to feel odd, ashamed, abnormal for not wanting to imagine other people at the same time.

VelvetSnow · 01/07/2011 13:36

FWIW - I only ever imagine my DP, so I can fully believe Coco.

I do not fantasise about scenarios that have not happened - I have a number of really "hot" memories that I use.

I'm ok with that

differentnameforthis · 01/07/2011 13:36

how would anyone not feel insulted their partner needed to imagine someone else whilst in bed with them?

My dh doesn't need to imagine being in bed with someone else, when he is with me, neither do I feel that need. However, there are times that I am not here or not wanting sex where he is free to sort himself out.

Sometime he uses porn, sometimes he doesn't. Neither of those scenarios bother me.

is getting sexual gratification from someone outside your marriage ok

Viewing porn, in my mind, is not getting sexual gratification from someone outside our marriage. He is getting sexual gratification from himself....with some visual aids.

If men pretend that their hand is a woman's vagina (I give my dh more credit than to think his rough hands are as soft/lubricated as a vagina - I am pretty sure he is aware of the difference) then that is up to them. Same way it is up to a woman if she decides her vibrator is a penis.

Nothing I have listed above makes me think he is cheating. He has also, in the past, visited strip clubs in our very early dating years. Can't say that hit me as him being a cheat either. He hasn't done so for at least 20 of our 22 yrs together, but again, if he did...I wouldn't see it as cheating.

glitterkitty · 01/07/2011 13:37

Coco- you dont have to. But you can. If you want to.

Isnt that nice? Smile

Crosshair · 01/07/2011 13:37

I can see why some people find it upsetting and why others find it as nothing special.

I dont think anyones right or wrong, but its not nice to look down on people because their belief system doesnt fall in line with yours.

Indigojohn · 01/07/2011 13:38

Coco - how old are you and how long have you been married?

We have been happy and faithful for over twenty years but that doesn't include a quick one off the wrist to Penthouse for him or a flick of the bean to Spartacus Blood and Sand for me.

And this discussion is not about the morals of teh porn industry!!

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 13:39

i was going to ask how old she was but thought that was a bit rude and dismissive of her opinions.

VelvetSnow · 01/07/2011 13:40

eeeek @ flick of the bean!

hate that term - I'm actually Blush

Grin
spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 13:40

hahahahaha flick the bean.

Crosshair · 01/07/2011 13:41

Keep your beans away from me.Blush

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 13:42
Indigojohn · 01/07/2011 13:42

Spooks - I think that when you are young and in a new marriage or relationship you are less secure than you are when you are older and that impacts on what you view as healthy or acceptable.

HowlingBitch · 01/07/2011 13:43

differentnameforthis You make a very good non-judgemental post but can you see how many men do use porn to "cheat" on their wives/partners. Many men hide it, lie about it, go behind the persons back to do it and it ends up effecting their sex lives. I believe that is the answer to why some women think their partners watch porn is cheating.

Your husband uses it when your not there. My friends husband used it when she was "asleep" in bed beside her and the same thing has happened to many women.

foxter · 01/07/2011 13:43

YANBU.

I don't understand it either.... or least not normally. In the case of HowlingBitch's friend, then I think that may cross the line into cheating somewhat, if your DH has refused sex with you and then gone and watched porn. Having said that, is it cheating or is it just an addiction like any other, ie you will do anything to get your fix, including foregoing sex with your partner?
As with any form of cheating, imo, that is surely a sign that there is something seriously wrong with your relationship. But watching a bit of porn whilst having a cheeky wank, when you have an otherwise healthy sex life, does not, imo, constitute cheating.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 13:44

What has my age and length of marriage got to do with anything?

Dont like porn in my marriage. End of.