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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not get why some women feel 'cheated' on when they find porn

344 replies

M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 11:28

Now I know most porn threads turn into a debate and article about why porn is wrong on many levels. I understand that part!!

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

He's not shagging those in the films/mags whatever, so why do women get obsessed when it comes to their bloke watching porn films/sites or buying mags?

OP posts:
glitterkitty · 01/07/2011 12:48

Cocoflower- say you found out (not sure how) your DP had though about having sex with...say... Kelly Brook. Would you get a divorce based on adulterous thoughts? Same as if he had done the deed? How far would it affect your relationship?

glitterkitty · 01/07/2011 12:49

thought about!

tigercametotea · 01/07/2011 12:49

I don't consider watching porn as cheating so I too don't really get it. Watching porn is like a fantasy but I think what men do see on porn is also controlled by the people who produce it so what men do get to watch is to an extent what they are presented. Its not like they can choose themselves and their partners to be on the screen doing what they would like to see being done - if they could, would it still be considered cheating then??

Women fantasise about being with men other than their partners and somehow its socially more acceptable as long as the woman doesn't act on the fantasy in real life. Me personally, I'd consider a man cheating if he goes to another woman in real life (other than his partner) for sexual activity.

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 12:50

It is laughable to me, knowing my husband, to think that if you put a porn star infront of him and gave him half a chance that he would go for it. He has enough issues knowing that I slept with 1 person before him let alone wanting to sleep with someone who has sex for a living.

Porn is a fantasy! The truth is most men just wouldn't! In real life. Thats the difference. If you fantasize its all in your mind. If you would actually do it and actively take steps to turn fantasy into reality THAT is cheating.

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 12:50

i dont find your questions difficult, though i do find your vitriolic nature irksome. it would also not bother me if he was imagining his hand was the womans vagina, this is what you are not understanding about me coco, i do not claim dominion over my dp fantasy life they are just that, a fantasy. we both know the reality of our sex life is so much better than what his left hand or my right hand can come up with that neither of us are threatened by the others frankly healthy sexual expression. there is nothing wrong with the fact that you dont see it that way but its odd that you jump down the throats of people that do.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 01/07/2011 12:51

I asked my DH and he said that it wasn't about wanting to have sex with or touch the woman he was looking at.

It was about sex in general. He found the idea of sex stimulating or the idea of breasts in general a turn on.

Nothing to do with the actual woman. So it was really just a visual representation of erotic fiction. The idea of sex.

I accept this no problem. However I then did have a rant at him about the sex industry, faceless women etc etc.

Poor bloke can't win Grin

niceguy2 · 01/07/2011 12:51

Why is it porn though that crosses the line?

If you came home one day and found your DH wanking over a photo in GQ/FHM/Nuts/whatever or knocking one out whilst watching the sex scene out of 9 1/2 weeks, would that be classed as cheating?

electra · 01/07/2011 12:51

Reality is right - it's not about the person it's about the sex. And often it's a fantasy situation rather than looking for a picture of someone who's attractive. People make the mistake of thinking their partner wants to imagine they have a girlfriend who looks like a porn star. They just want to see films of other people having sex. Often there are men and women in the film - did you ever consider that?

Awomancalledhorse · 01/07/2011 12:51

YANBU, I really, really can't understand why (some) people feel 'cheated' by it either!
DH was shocked that I had a bigger porn collection/knowledge than him when I first moved in.

Witchofthenorth · 01/07/2011 12:51

Me and DH both watch porn sometimes together and sometimes alone, and neither of us thinks we are cheating. I dont imagine I am having sex with the person on screen and nor does he. We watch it for increased sexual gratification as we are both very visual people. If hubby has a wank in the shower or on an evening when i am just not in the mood, then fine, I dont feel cheated on and I have no idea what he is visualising about and nor do I care. Similarly if I was having a quickie with my rampant rabbit he would not be offended or feel cheated.
I personally think it is quite healthy for someone to masturbate, sometimes you just need to orgasm without all the other stuff Wink

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 12:53

I found at by asking him. What do you mean by done the deed? I would not be happy with the thoughts how would anyone not feel insulted their partner needed to imagine someone else whilst in bed with them?

peppapighastakenovermylife · 01/07/2011 12:53

Saying that he also thought that women who did porn were turned on by it, wanted to do it, were attracted to the men etc.

He also expressed great surprised at a Daily Mail story saying that 60 year old men were buying younger women to marry from overseas and then, shock horror, come a period of time the woman divorced them Shock Hmm. He thought the women were genuinely attracted to the men Hmm

glitterkitty · 01/07/2011 12:55

I'm talking hypothetically Cocoflower- what I mean is IF you found out your partner had had sexual thoughts about a woman other than you, would you (lets say) divorce him in the same way that you might if he had 'done the deed' -i.e. actually had sex with the person?

RealityIsRoughlyTheSizeOfABoat · 01/07/2011 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tazmin · 01/07/2011 12:58

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

dunno, i think its to do with insecurity at the root of it really

doesnt bother me in the slightest, in fact i enjoy it every now and then :)

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 12:59

oh yeah reality eric northman is definitely a regular.

HowlingBitch · 01/07/2011 13:00

There is so much trivialising on the thread it's actually become ridiculous. If it's so innocent why then (9 times out of time) do men hide it from their spouses and deny it when confronted?

TobyLerone · 01/07/2011 13:01

They're not shagging them, but they want to. That's the problem. They're shagging them mentally.

Which is exactly the same thing as you are doing every time your mind wanders to George Clooney/your mechanic. Doesn't mean you're going to do it, does it?

I think it's ridiculous, personally. I watch porn. My partner watches porn. Neither of us have cheated on each other.

VelvetSnow · 01/07/2011 13:02

IMO men use porn to get an instant release, it's much easier than the emotional build up and foreplay that may well lead to full sex with a partner.

It bothered me when I found my DP using porn, after I had made advances on several occasions and been declined, I felt he would rather "wank off" to some strangers tits than enjoy sex with me - that bothered me, and why shouldn't it?

But, I do not approve of or disapprove of his use of porn nor do I feel cheated on - I accept it, because I am not in charge of his body and mind - he would never physically cheat, I trust that, and if he did then he'd lose everything.

It took me a while to accept it, but I know that was mainly because of my own insecurities at the time. (ie comparing myself with the women he was looking at and thinking he cant possibly find me attractive if that's what gets him off so to speak)

vesuvia · 01/07/2011 13:02

thingsabeachanging wrote - "whats the difference between porn and any film with a hot man/woman in it or that has a sex scene?"

Porn is real sex with real people, including some people being raped in real life. If you watch porn, there is a good chance that you are masturbating while watching real sexual abuse including rape.

A sex scene in a Hollywood feature film is faked, with actors.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 13:02

Since I met my DH no I havent. I really haven't.

Before I knew of him then yes.

RealityIsRoughlyTheSizeOfABoat · 01/07/2011 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowlingBitch · 01/07/2011 13:05

Insecurity? Do you mean the women who do not feel happy about their husbands watching porn are all insecure because the women are slim and pretty with big boobs?

You do know that there are many forms of porn? Skinny women, Big women, Pretty women, Ugly women, Big boobs, Small boobs (I could go on)

TobyLerone · 01/07/2011 13:05

There is so much trivialising on the thread it's actually become ridiculous. If it's so innocent why then (9 times out of time) do men hide it from their spouses and deny it when confronted?

I actually snorted a bit reading this.

..

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 13:07

Because thay are worried women will behave like this! Also they are used to hiding it while they were growing up so there is a degree of societal conditioning.