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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not get why some women feel 'cheated' on when they find porn

344 replies

M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 11:28

Now I know most porn threads turn into a debate and article about why porn is wrong on many levels. I understand that part!!

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

He's not shagging those in the films/mags whatever, so why do women get obsessed when it comes to their bloke watching porn films/sites or buying mags?

OP posts:
spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 11:54

she isnt wrong though coco flower most people have casual fantasy's about well anybody they find attractive. doesnt mean they want to have sex with them necessarily. just healthy sexual expression.

TeddyMcardle · 01/07/2011 11:54

How would you feel if your dh went to sex shows so he could have a wank then? What's difference between watching other womens bodies/sex on a screen and off the screen?

It's not my job to tell other women to feel about their partners choices. Nor to minimise hurt that women feel when they find out about their partners, often hidden, porn use.
Personally the ethics of the pornography industry disgust me, I don't want to see women being abused.

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 11:55

I dont think its cheating how ridiculous! Do people really think it is ? I think women who do are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think your partner has never fantasized about anyone else I mean come on be realistic !

Crosshair · 01/07/2011 11:55

''Except when it comes to 'seeing' dirt and mess in the house, then they struggle.''

Very true. :)

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 11:57

Gonna stick up for scgb here. She never said she was the authority on everyone she said it was UNUSUAL not to have the odd fantasy. I believe she is correct in this statement.

Now scgb I am monogamous and have no desire to be any other way, I believe my husband feels the same way (his words are good lord 1 woman is just about as much trouble as I can handle :-)) but I respect your right to think and do as you please and so should others.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 11:58

How do you know that spooks? Yes, Some people might not find their partner not enough and struggle but others simply dont need other people to help them orgasam.

Not everyone is the same and it depends of your partner as I would not have said this about previous ones at all.

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 11:59

absolutely thingsabeach though coco was a bit sharp for no reason there.

michelleseashell · 01/07/2011 11:59

I wouldn't mind my husband going to a strip club either. Ha ha I sound terrible, don't I?

I just wouldn't be jealous. They're only ladies dancing round in their pants. I've seen male strippers anyway. They were ok but I prefer my husband. I just I would just trust him to be thinking the same about me.

Ormirian · 01/07/2011 12:00

I don;t much care for porn but no, I agree with you OP. It's not cheating.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 12:02

But SCB needs to understand that some people have found a partner who wholly satisifies them and respect that- not label them as 'tantruming'.

Its all horses for courses

But unless someone has done extensive research you cannot possibly know anyoway. Infact if you read Nancy Friday books a lot of the fantasies revolve around beastaltiy & incest! (Nice). I dont recall much about celebs/ coworkers etc

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/07/2011 12:02

The ethical issues surrounding porn have been discussed on here a lot, but that didn';t appear to be what this thread was about. Cocoflower: I have spendt quite a lot of time reading, writing about and studying sexual behaviour, that's how a know that lots of people (not all) have sexual fantasies about people other than their officially-sanctioned partner. It's not wrong, any more than it's wrong to be massively monogamous. It's just that one of the most important things in keeping a relationship happy is having the same or at least a very similar level of interest in monogamy.

thingsabeachanging · 01/07/2011 12:03

The entertainment industry as a whole exisits by selling sexual fantasy in one form or another. There wouldnt be anywhere near the kind of money going around that industry if most people didnt fantasize. Note the use of the word MOST, not ALL.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/07/2011 12:03

It;s tantrumming to insist your partner thinks eaxaclty the same way as you do and expecting to be obeyed.

vesuvia · 01/07/2011 12:04

CogitoErgoSometimes wrote - "YANBU... I also wonder if men ever feel cheated on if they discover their DW has had a cheeky once round the block with a Rampant Rabbit and a steamy novel?

That would be morally comparable only if the man has also been reading a steamy novel, which is a work of fiction.

Other porn involves real people, who are often mentally and physically abused in the production of the material, which is a very different situation.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 12:06

I take your point SGB

But with "one partner forever having jealous tantrums and the other feeling absolutely suffocated and controlled" seems to imply you think that its not viable and one partner has to have such negative connotations for this to be actually exsist.

Admittedly I hated my past sexual realtionships and never found satisfaction at all within them but I feel very lucky indeed to now have the exact opposite.

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 12:08

It;s tantrumming to insist your partner thinks eaxaclty the same way as you do and expecting to be obeyed.

Im not sure if this is directed at me or a general statement. If the former why would you assume this though?

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 12:09

hahahahahahaha you are toting the old my partner is so perfect i never need think of another man again line, well good for you love hope that works out for you. on the other hand some people enjoy a varied and enjoyable masturbation life that doesnt get state or boring so mixing it up by throwing in a fantasy about that guy you met or you dp bestie keeps it fresh. lets face it you dont go to the shop and but the same pair of shoes every time do ya.

lubberlich · 01/07/2011 12:12

Cheated on - no. Disappointed that he was being a predictable prat - yes.
The easy availability of porn these days has removed it from the domain of the sad wankers in grubby overcoats brigade.
Only it hasn't really.
If my OH spent his time hanging round sex shops I'd be repulsed. Don't see why it is any different just because he can Google it up nowadays.

msbuggywinkle · 01/07/2011 12:13

I did feel cheated on when I found out DP was using porn. For me, it was about the trust that he had betrayed. He knew I hated porn and why, he knew I would kick him out if I found he'd been using it.

I have no problems with wanking!

Cocoflower · 01/07/2011 12:14

Why is the idea so inconceviable that my dh is enough for me (as other people have also written abou their own dh/dp earlier)? Why cannot you not have fantasies about your dp/dh anyway?!

You sound a little green eyed....

Lunabelly · 01/07/2011 12:17

Ok. I don't have anything against porn in itself. My anger comes from the fact that A) my DH has cheated on me B) we have a pretty much sexless marriage because of his issues C) he was following TweetWhores, and you can DM them.

So. He taps away on his fecking android, but not much tweets in his timeline. Logic dictates that he is obviously typing something, but that it must be direct messages. Would I like to be able to hack into all his DMs and texts from the last three years? Damn straight I would

The porn is not so much the issue for me, but the rejection, betrayal, more rejection, then him having porny 'mates'.

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 12:18

obviously i do fantasise about my dp he is one of the most amazing men i have met in my life so far, but like i said i enjoy fantasy's that involve other men too, sometimes other women and men and my dp, i should tell him about that Grin

HellAtWork · 01/07/2011 12:19

I don't think it's proven that men are more visually stimulated by sexual images than women at all.

Interesting study done in 2006 says otherwise [Anokhin AP, Golosheykin S, Sirevaag E, et. al. ?Rapid discrimination of visual scene content in the human brain? Brain Research, 2006 May 16]

The study, carried out by researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis measured brainwave activity of 264 women as they viewed a series of 55 color slides that contained various scenes from water skiers to snarling dogs to partially-clad couples in sensual poses. The researchers were interested in the speed, strength, and location of brainwave activity of the subjects as they viewed erotic versus non-erotic images.

As they hypothesized, the brainwave activity of participants was markedly different when viewing erotic images versus non-erotic images. But a finding they didn?t expect was that female participant?s response was similar to men. In a prepared statement, lead author Andrey P. Anokhin explained:

"Usually men subjectively rate erotic material much higher than women," he says. "So based on those data we would expect lower responses in women, but that was not the case. Women have responses as strong as those seen in men."

The authors propose that previous findings from other studies which found men to have a stronger response to erotic images than women may have as much to do with research methods, as an actual response by men or women.

So basically previous findings showing men are 'more' visually stimulated by sexual images than women are being doubted because of the type of sexual images show. Pornography is almost entirely geared towards men. Makes sense that it would appeal more to its target market. Doesn't mean sexual images per se are less arousing to women.

Crosshair · 01/07/2011 12:19

That sounds awful Luna. :(

spookshowangel · 01/07/2011 12:21

luna that sounds horrible.

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