Would your DH/P think that these are acceptable things to say to you, or do I have permission to clock mine over the head with something heavy?

[DooinMeCleanin]

We were looking for holiday clothes for me. Why any input from him is required I have no idea, he seems to think he has a right to tell me how to dress, but that is a whole other thread.

During looking for swimming costumes:

1. "No, I don't like that one, all your belly fat will hang out all over the place. You know how paranoid you are about your belly fat"

I feel really :( for you OP. I don't understand why you are with him. He sounds (going by your posts) like he's always been controlling but now he's controlling and nasty with it.

I wouldn't put up with that crap. He'd be an ex by now if he continually spoke to me that way.

My DP always says I look lovely and I was almost 3 stone heavier at one point during our relationship than I am now, he would never dream of saying I was fat or overweight or flabby.

In fact I'm rather for you. You should tell him he's being a thoughtless bastard and if he can't say anything nice to bloody well keep his trap shut.

If he gives you some bullshit line about you needing to hear the truth then tell him you are fully aware that you are overweight and don't need reminding of it by someone who apparently loves you everytime you decide to shop.

Also I noticed you said you don' love him (did I read that right?) if so why stay with him?

Don't know why you even need to ask. I am horrified at this (the shock emoticon just isn't cutting it in this case). My DP NEVER says anything horrid about my weight or appearance. And I never say anything horrid about his. End of story.

Dooin - You know the old joke about how to lose a large amount of unwanted flab - Dump him!

On a more serious note - he clearly knows that you are a very attractive and lovely woman and that you would have no problem finding a better partner. Do you think he is trying to destroy your self confidence so you will believe you are lucky that he chooses to stay with you (when in fact he is bloody lucky you put up with him)?

He is MEAN.

Why are you with him? If you don't love him, and he doesn't love you?

I'm really sorry for you but you don't have to put up with it.

i would sy dont worry darling i am going to lose a lot of weight and then sling him out and there goes 18 stone of it all in blink of a eye

He doesn't sound dim to me. He sounds really quite clever and controlling, and deeply nasty. Poisonous, in fact. No-one who truly cares for their partner would say anything as vile as the stuff your partner has spewed out towards you.

I really, really hate to say this, as I don't want to pile any more distress on, but can you honestly say that your kids haven't picked up on his treatment of you? Does he say this sort of thing to you in front of them? If he does he is a shit of the lowest order, and deserves to have that cross-trainer inserted where the sun does not shine. For starters.

He is an emotional abuser, with huge insecurity issues of his own, doing his best to reduce you to a quivering wreck.

Personally i would get rid of him asap. You deserve much better.

If he subscribes to the 'need to hear the truth, even if it hurts' dictum then maybe start mentioning 'the thing he is most paranoid about'. A lot. And when he gets upset, look surprised and say that you are taking his advice and toughening him up a bit. And when he asks you to stop, laugh and say he's too sensitive. Then when he gets angry about it, distract him with the divorce papers you will have by this time received through from your solicitor.

Nasty piece of work that he is :)

(By the way, what is he most paranoid about??)

No, he usually doesn't say these things in front of the dds. I suppose I stay with him because I am waiting for the old him to come back. I've changed too, I can't blame it all on him. I'm much less attentive than I used to be and not as happy go lucky and obviously not as confident and outgoing because my weight does get too me. Hence why I want a nice, supportive and expensive cosy, to make me feel better.

Relate?

My Dh is 6ft 1 and 13 stone. He must be quite lardy himself at 18 stone!

He is absolutely disgusting in belittling you in this way, he's not being supportive hes being spiteful.

If I were you I'd lose 18stone sharpish......

Yes he sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing, it really doesn't sound to me like he's just a bit socially awkward and doesn't realise it can be insensitive to mention someone's weight. Especially if he managed to 'charm' you when you first met. And if he used to insult you even when you were slim, then it's not really about the weight either :(

Never trust a man who doesn't like dogs, that's my motto for these matters .

Sounds like a right cunt, sorry op but he is.
I bet he's a fat cunt himself

and him saying that is going to make you feel better .And you know the more someone goes on about your weight less you feel strong enough to lose it

I dinstinctly remember being told my favourite lipstick made me look like "I had been sucking shit out of someone's arse" Not exactly Cary Grant is he?
So, it's not about your weight at all. He may have been great but people change. As Tillie Olsen said: 'There are cuss words and there are words that hurt'. I'd put my foot on the ball and review the relationship - speak to a counsellor before he really damages your self-esteem any further. It's so direspectful to speak to anyone like that (let alone your partner) but attacking a woman's appearance seems a reflex action for some men who wants to let off steam/assert control.

But if he derails your diets at the same time as he criticises your weight, he's obviously a big cause of why your weight gets to you & cause of your weight even. He's doing it on purpose to keep you down.

I'd be sorely tempted to show him this thread......that's if he's not in hospital with a cross trainer shoved up his perfect arse!

(mumbles lots of sweary words under breath)

Seeing you defending him and putting yourself down like that has made me feel very . I have extremely bad PMT. Shall I come round and perform the cross-trainer insertion now, or later?

Of course you're less attentive and happy-go-lucky now, with that sort of treatment who wouldn't be? And I bet you're still gorgeous. A bit of extra weight won't change that.

He wants you to feel bad about yourself - find out what inadequacy he has that makes him want to do this. If you can't work that out yourself, definitely speak to someone who'll help you clarify things. Then decide how to move forward. So angry on your behalf. Hateful verbal abuse is just so pathetic.

You said his good points were letting you have another dog and agreeing to sister staying.
You do sound like a huge animal lover so he must have known that when you met him.
And it sounds like your sister has the measure of him as well.
I think you should put up his picture and then we can all shout lardy-arse.
Then show him this thread.

What an utter wanker.
Seriously! How dare he criticise you in that way?!

You need some help to see that you do not have to be treated in this way. Someone who loves you does not try to undermine your self confidence and happiness.

The negative changes you see in yourself are because of him.
The things he has said to you are terrible. Really, really awful.

The old him isn't going to come back, that was an act.

The old you can come back. You sound like a fabulous person who has been pushed down. Sack him off and you'll spring back.

You know what? I'm willing to bet money, without even having seen you, that you're totally in the "normal" parameters of a woman's weight, that if anything you're even slimmer than the average, and that he is just being a controlling and horrible fuck-monkey.

BUT even if it's all true, even if you are absolutely immense to the point of ill-health, you still don't deserve this horseshit. There are men who find large women attractive - as there are for all body types - and, if it's a relationship you want, then you deserve to be with one of those men, someone who will, by and large, be good and supportive and just basically PLEASANT to you. Life's too short to waste on a fucktard like this - show him the door!

To answer, no, my DP wouldn't dream of ever saying anything like that to me. I would never say that to him either, thats really crappy.

Don't know what to suggest, but if it was me, there would be no favours, no bedroom activity, nothing, until he changed his tune & stopped speaking so negatively.

He doesn't need to make compliments if he doesn't feel able/not his nature to do so but the excessively negative & derogatory manner is just not on.

It wouldn't actually matter if you were enormous, your partner still should not speak to you like that.

What a wanker.

I would have clobbered him over the head and then posted

WIBU to clobber him over the head with the frying pan'