Would your DH/P think that these are acceptable things to say to you, or do I have permission to clock mine over the head with something heavy?

[DooinMeCleanin]

We were looking for holiday clothes for me. Why any input from him is required I have no idea, he seems to think he has a right to tell me how to dress, but that is a whole other thread.

During looking for swimming costumes:

1. "No, I don't like that one, all your belly fat will hang out all over the place. You know how paranoid you are about your belly fat"

I agree with ShoutyHamster, I would be tempted to give him a week or two of his own medicine and mention 'the thing he is most paranoid about' at every opportunity.

'I've changed too, I can't blame it all on him. I'm much less attentive than I used to be and not as happy go lucky and obviously not as confident and outgoing because my weight does get too me.' I would say this isn't just about your weight, if someone spoke to me, the way he speaks to you, I would also become less happy-go-lucky and confident. I would also be less attentive, because I would want to spend as little time as possible with him.
I'm sorry, but this is emotional abuse and for you.

'I've changed too, I can't blame it all on him. I'm much less attentive than I used to be and not as happy go lucky and obviously not as confident and outgoing because my weight does get too me.'

I have put on a fair few pounds post-baby. When I get grumpy and call myself fat, DH looks suitably astonished and says things like 'Don't be silly, you're NOT fat'. He is complimentary about clothes and generally a NICE person. As a result, although I do feel less confident physically in general, overall I feel ok, and our sex life hasn't suffered in this way, and I'm probably MORE attentive to him, because I feel that he's a person who has shown he supports me when I'm 'down', if that makes sense. Like a best mate who has proven their worth and loyalty.

I agree (reciprocally :) ) with FairyLightsForever - sounds to me like the negatives you see in yourself here are more likely to be reactions to his twattery.

He's a twat. Hit him. :)

So it's clearly not just about your weight - judging from that lipstick comment he seems to say deliberately nasty, spiteful things about your appearance.

I wonder if that might have something to do with why you're not as happy go lucky and confident and outgoing as you used to be? Not because of your weight but because of the things he says?

Is there any way you could spend a week or two away from him? If so, do it. See how you feel at the end. If you feel happier, more confident, more comfortable with yourself... it's not the weight, it's him.

Honestly OP I am not one of the "leave him" brigade but he does sound like a real shit.

I'm sure he has merlin, but I can't remember any specific compliments. The nasty things tend to stay with you a lot longer, don't you think?

Op I have put a fair bit of weight on in the last two years and I am unhappy.
When I get upset about it and that I'm not llosing it Dh gives me a cuddle and tells me not to worry and work at it in my own time. He usually gives me a kiss and says 'But your lovely' I then moan something 'but look at me!!' Dh will say ' Come on love , I'm not much better, why not go to the gym for an hour if you want'

I think his way is more constructive than you DH's tbh.

We have been together 22 years so it's not like he is in the still trying to impress stage!

My DH has little problem with calling me a fat arse, but in a less sinister way. If i run he makes earthquake sounds. That kind of thing.

He has also only paid me 4 compliments in 8 years, the best being "I think you should get some leggings, i love the look of a fat lass in leggings"
I laugh at all of the above, and reciprocate by mocking the size of his distinctly average penis.

His comments are not meant maliciously and arent taken as such.
But your DH sounds like a wanker, if its upsetting you then he should have the decency to pack it in.

DP wouldn't dream of it - he has respect manners and cares.

xh would & did he was abusive emotionally.

it's one thing to be diplomatic another to be down right rude.

Nothing to add as it's already been said, the issue is not your weight, if you lost weight then it would be something else, like the comments about your make-up/clothes.

What when he starts being 'honest' with your DDs 'for their own good'? It's just plain cruel and manipulative and I'm so for you. You are so young and don't have to spend the rest of your life like this.

no, that's disrespectful, you should pull him up on it each and every time he talks to you like that, not nice

It seems OP that as you have continued to post you have either only just noticed that he is a completely vile man or your OP was a little AIBU by stealth.

If you genuinely think things discussed here are true then it's time to move on, even the sister coming to stay could be controlling...a little carrot of kindness to manipulate you further, he may even be making things rocky with her just to show how nice he is by allowing her to stay.

Only you can answer if he's really crippling your self esteema nd only you can fix it. Now that you've recognised his behaviour you really can't continue until he recognises it and you both attend counselling. The alternative is that you move on, or as often happens here, you recognise and continue to accept it. It takes a lot to leave or finish a relationship.

this is what they were originally invented for.

Go for it and when you are finished beating him over the head, shove it up his arse - sideways!

No it's not by stealth but equally it's hardly a surprise to me. I have suspected for a while that he is deliberitely abusive and deliberatly trying to keep my confidence down, but I manage to convince myself that he is not that clever.

Seeing what I think and his behaviours written down in black and white make it a bit harder for me to think that it's not deliberate. If I was reading my posts by someone else, it would be glaringly obvious to me that something was very, very wrong, if that makes sense.

However I am still struggling a bit to believe 100% that he is smart enough to do this deliberately. I suspect if he is it is more to do with his own insecurities and how he feels about himself than anything to do with me and I doubt my loosing or gaining weight will change the way he behaves. I'm perfectly sure I could do everything exactly the way he wants and look exactly the way he wants and he'd still find something to pick away at.

I have tried to get him to go to counselling, but he doesn't think he would feel comfortable talking to someone about his insecurities. I don't think he means to be so nasty and hurtful. I think he is worried about loosing me. He can't see that what he is doing is a sure fire way of making sure he will loose me.

Does that make any sense?

His intellect has nothing to do with it, he may not be consciously being like this, like you said. But you have pointed stuff out and he's chosen to ignore you or belittle you further.

I too have a DH with behaviours that I can't abide, but as much as I try to make him stop I can't and it's not bad enough to leave. I have decided to go to therapy for my own stuff anyway.

Perhaps tackling him head on with your theories and give him a time to have changed by or something. Perhaps tell him everytime he does it you're going to make a note of it and once a week you'll show him what he's like. This way if he is aware he'll know he's not getting away with it, and if not he'll see what he's doing.

Another thing is that we treat others how we want to be treated sometimes, so with his apparent self loathing, that he projects onto you, do you think he says the things he wishes you would say or things he assumes you think about him? iyswim

Dooin, I'm short, fat and dumpy and often take DH clothes shopping. He's gloriously rude about the clothes - he'll say things like "That looks like a tent on you" or "That is the wrong colour on you" but he never criticises me, IYSWIM, just the clothes, and I have to admit he has great judgement and taste. And without fail, he always compliments me when I'm dressed up, or have made an effort, and will say things like " That lipstick looks really pretty with that top you're wearing" rather than a generic "You look nice" though he says that too, in fact he said it to me tonight as I was leaving for work. So what I'm trying to say is that what he's said has gone beyond being rude about clothes and has entered the territory of being rude about you, and that's not on. Not acceptable. At All. Ever.

I don't like how he's treating you. And I really hope you can either tell him to treat you with love and respect or boot him out. Because you don't deserve it. And neither do your kids.

You are a special person (who fosters greyhounds ) and he should remember that he's very lucky to be with you, and that he should be in the business of giving you love and support.

I think I'd be saying something along the lines of 'clearly I'm not ready to be seen out in public in holiday clothes, perhaps we should postpone our holiday until I am?' That would give him something to think about.

Don't put up with this OP, really please don't.

I have a flabby belly, a double chin, am a size 16, blah blah blah.

My DH is not the most tactful, but he has NEVER said anything to make me feel bad about how I look and my weight. And when I've felt down about it, he has been positive, supportive and lovely.

I'm not trying to make out I'm married to a saint, he can be a nightmare!, but he would never want to deliberately make me feel bad. Why would anyone who loved you want to say things to make you feel like shit?

"And this man wonders why he doesn't have sex often "

The point is though Dooinmecleaning, how often are you having sex!

Dooin.

He is emotionally abusive. No maybes or misunderstandings about it.

What you were describing in your last post, about being scared of losing you and yet driving you away through his actions is exactly what I used to feel about my XP. I used to make excuses for him all the time. It is because you are probably a nice person, willing to see the best in your H and probably because you are deeply committed to your relationship and making it work even in the bad times. Unfortunately, he is exploiting this.

Do you feel you are perfect? Clearly not as you are quick to point out your own faults. So having established that you are not Mother Theresa, here's a test for you to do to see if your H is behaving acceptably. Every time he says something to you, ask yourself (1) if you would have ever said that to him. (2) if you would be happy for someone you love to feel hurt and upset because of something you said. I'm guessing the answer to both questions will be 'no'. That makes you normal and decent, and him an uncaring abuser.

You have asked him to stop and explained why. If someone told you to stop doing something because they felt really hurt, you'd stop. He is CHOOSING not to because he LIKES the way it makes you feel.

You deserve better than this. He is an emotional abuser and you are a nice person who does not deserve to be treated like this. How you handle this is a big thing and could affect the rest of your life, but whatever you decide don't lose sight of the fact that it is not ok for him to talk to you like this and he must stop.

dooin every single word he says his calculated and clever. Make no mistake here, he is not saying these things by accident. You know he's not. But I understand that it is easier to believe that someone is abusive if you somehow make it NOT their fault.
I am there atm, I know how you feel.
You OH is abusive and he knows what he is doing and you need to get out as soon as you feel able. PLease come and join us on the EA support thread.

"No, he usually doesn't say these things in front of the dds. I suppose I stay with him because I am waiting for the old him to come back. "

The old him doesn't exist, never did do. The sooner you realise and stop chasing ghosts, the better. the longer you put up with this the more damage will be done to you, the more you will kick yourself when you DO realise what this man is doing day in, day out to your self-esteem.

Don't worry about life on the other side of this! How could it possibly be any worse than how you have it?

If he really were clever, he'd know that the best DW is a happy DW, not one who is stamped on, belittled and made to feel idiotic.

Are you on our Emotional Abusers thread yet love, you need to be! come on! what's stopping you? there are tons of us like you, those that have come out of it, those that are still stuck. But all of us support each other, all of us want the others to be strong, happy and free.

You need to read Why Does He Do That - you will see that none of this is your fault, that it is his choice/entitlement to treat you like this and that he will never, ever stop. That is IT in a nutshell. The only answer is get him out of your life, the sooner the better.

You will cope without him, in a matter of only days you will feel better, physically, I promise, in weeks you will learn to relax, in months you will understand what happened. You may get angry, you kind of need to. You will cry, you need to, but you do not EVER have to agree to be treated anything less than the bloody decent, warm, kind, loveable woman that you most definitely ARE.