Would your DH/P think that these are acceptable things to say to you, or do I have permission to clock mine over the head with something heavy?

[DooinMeCleanin]

We were looking for holiday clothes for me. Why any input from him is required I have no idea, he seems to think he has a right to tell me how to dress, but that is a whole other thread.

During looking for swimming costumes:

1. "No, I don't like that one, all your belly fat will hang out all over the place. You know how paranoid you are about your belly fat"

counselling won't work. no point. he feels entitled to treat you like shit, he will never give up his rights.

Read the book, all the answers are there. It's OK Dooin, I promise you it'll be OK, better than OK, but not until you get free of him.

Just read your 'how I met him' you were fucking targeted.

You never stood a chance love. He played you like a violin. He is a calculating bastard of the highest most loony order.

when you dump him, you need to be extra careful, this one might not go quietly. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, but don't leave anything to chance.

Oh I know I could manage on my own. Finding the strength to leave and uproot the dc is hard. Admitting that he wants to do this to me is hard. I can't understand why? Why would you want to hurt a person you love in this way? Even if you don't love them why would you put another person through this? Take away everything that they are just to make yourself feel better?

I've always believed that abusers would be cunning, sly and a bit evil. DH is nothing like that. He is nice, he cries at sad films, he can't read or watch anything upsetting about children or animals because it upsets him too much. He took time out of work to go and see my nephew after his hernia op and take him sweets. How could he deliberately take away someones confidence and self respect, he's so nice. If I tried to explain any of this to people who knew him they'd think I'd lost the plot. He is a nice man, just not to me.

That's the thing with abusers. They are often thought to be really nice by other people and quite often they are frequently nice to the people they abuse (it's part of the control - keeping you hanging on there, hoping it will continue or that the man you feel in love with will return). It's not a coincidence that so many women with abusive ex's have faced the 'no one would believe it' reaction. If he was an obvious arsehole you wouldn't have gone near in him the first place and people would have warned you about him. Abusers are very, very good at what they do.

People who abuse their partners usually don't display that behaviour 24 hours a day, 365 days a week, else they'd find people to manipulate pretty thin on the ground.

Like men who commit serious violent crimes, they're just your normal Joe Bloggs who you wouldn't bat an eye at passing in the street.

Reveal their darker behaviour to someone they know at work/church/golf club and they wouldn't believe it of them because they're so genial and friendly.

Nice men can and do horrible things.

Of course you won't think of him like that because you live with him, you've mostly only told us of that nastier side and on those bits alone making it difficult for us to see why you'd stay with him.

But you know the rounded person, I can see why you might stay with him if you can see through that behaviour and rise above it, especially if it involves your DC.

I'm going to resist the urge to delete this post and just say that you sound unhappy so maybe something has to change, but only you will know how big this is in your head and whether you can live with it.

can i suggest that the heavy thing you hit him over the head with be the cross trainer.......!!

Bahahahaha at outnumbered succinct post after my long spiel of shite

Dooin do you think you could show him this thread? I'm not jumping on the 'he's an evil bastard' bandwagon, but there are undeniably big problems here, and he needs to realise just what damage he's doing. Maybe this would give him a wake up call? He might not realise just what a nasty prick he is being to you?

id slap my oh if he said things like that to me

my husband says "beautiful" in reply to everything, its not very helpful really but much nicer than the op's... yanbu to beat him... or squash him

Life's too short Dooin, honestly. Get out, while you still can.

Jesus H, don't clock him over the head! You need to do more damage than that!! He should consider himself lucky that he gets any sex at a all when he's coming out with stuff like that. Clearly you know he is being unreasonable and you know you are worth more than that!

Dooin - your partner should be your friend. They should delight in everything that is you, whatever size you are. They should feel pleased and privileged to be with you. And vice versa.

Would you say any of the things you DP has said to you to a friend? It's probably not much fun reading the responses on this thread as it is confirming what you have suspected all along. It is NOT ok to talk to anyone else in this way. Ever.

I hope things work out ok for you.

Hit him and don't stop until that poison stops coming out of his mouth. What he is saying could give a weaker personality disordered eating issues. Lucky for you, you are strong.

Were you in love with the him he is now, I'd suggest you kick him into touch. Explain why what he is saying is wrong, really spell it out for him in case he is genuinely dim. But, you're not in love with this him. You have done the single mum thing and, judging by what little I know of you on here, I bet you were amazing. You could easily do that again. Maybe distance yourself bit by bit. Maybe he notices and changes - complacency was mentioned above - or maybe he waves you off with a cheery smile.

Either outcome would be better than this, surely?

Do NOT show him this thread.
He doesn't have to be clever to be a manipulative abuser - and there is no way that showing him this thread is going to improve the situation, it will only give him another thing to beat you with.
There cannot be a good outcome from showing him this thread - it will not achieve a sudden sea-change in the way he treats you - but it might increase his fear of losing you, which might up the ante in the nasty put-downs.

But I would have a serious chat to him and explain that you have Had Enough and if he doesn't start treating you with love and respect then you Will Leave Him. Obviously you have to mean it, so only do it when you are ready to make good on your threat. He has got away with treating you like shit for so long that it's easy for him to continue and believe it's normal - find your strength to tell him it isn't.

Sorry, just realised that my last two paragraphs appear contradictory - I meant that if you just show him this thread, he would think you are being manipulated by internet sprites and nothing would change in his respect level for you - but if you sit him down and threaten to leave yourself, without any obvious input from external sources (us) then it would have more impact, maybe.

Bloody hell Dooin. If it weren't for the fact that I've seen you around MN for a long time (I recognise your funky name) I would not believe this. I'd rather bury my head and tell myself that men like this don't exist (women too).

I will eat every hat in my house (there are a lot!) if this is anything other than cold, calculated emotional abuse. It's textbook. And it is not a recent change - he's done it right from the start by the sound of it. There must have been some problem with your self esteem to begin with, just a glitch somewhere, that made you feel you deserved his comments, or that it was better to be with him than be alone. That's not your fault, and he prayed on it.

What you said about him being lovely in all other ways only proves it is all deliberate. You can't really believe that he could accidentally insult you every day, and yet somehow manage to be all charm in public? Actually, yes you can believe it, because this is a classic tactic of all abusers - it makes it harder for you to seek help because you are terrified nobody will believe you. Or it makes you feel crazy, like you're imagining it. He'll accuse you of being paranoid and mentally ill I bet. Yet another reason for you to stay with him so he can support you... It's all part of the plan, to grind you down until you are completely and utterly resigned to it. Again, it is not your fault you have fallen for his act, he's been playing you for such a long time. He is an expert.

Don't tell him you know it is abuse. He will not change, ever. You need to start making plans to leave.

My husband enjoys having regular sex so wouldn't ever think of saying the sorts of things your DH does.

When we first got together I was very fat and he was very trim, a couple of years later he had put on a lot of weight and asked me what I thought. I did tell him the truth, but gently and never ever with a view to hurting him.

We both then got working out and eating better and are now both trim.

Having said all that I don't actually ask him whether he likes something I am buying or wearing because he is a doofus and would probably say the wrong thing, so I don't set it up for him.

You know you are overweight, if you needed telling that would be one thing and there are loving ways of saying that. But it isn't loving to speak to someone the way your DH is speaking to you.

He's also trapping you with pets. Think about it.

That's a bloody good point, Annie.

OK, assuming he is not dangerous.....

It doesn't matter WHAT you do, show him the thread, don't show him, talk to him, scream at him, plead with him, beg him, cry all over him, get your family to talk to him, get HIS family to talk to him. FGS, get Pope thingamy wotsit to talk to him, every day for the next 10 years....

It won't matter.

It won't EVER matter to this guy.

He is ENTITLED to treat his DW like this, not his kids, not his siblings, mother, friends etc, his DW.

If he were a bastard to everyone then fine, he's like that. That's how he is. But he's NOT. Oh No, he is lovely to others, everyone thinks he's marvellous.

How many of us in abusive relationships, when we start comparing notes say the same?

"If I told people what he's like to me behind closed doors, they'd never believe me, they all think he's marvellous"

The answer to that is EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US.

Read Lundy's book, come and listen to the rest of us on the EA thread, you don't have to post, just read, and see if you can see any patterns.

Cheats broadly follow a script. If you can get your head around that and accept it, it's not such a reach to see that so do abusers.

This man targeted you, and in the absolute classic abusive situation started to tear your self esteem to pieces. The saying your lipstick looked like you sucked shit, your clothes making you look like a hooker, then your weight, and all the while telling you that you are lucky that he 'took you on' cos no-one else would.

I know it's hard, to realise all of this, I had to do it myself recently. However, please try to find comfort in the fact that abusers like this man don't target small insignificant weak women. They target strong, confident sucessful individuals for the added thrill of tearing them down to nothing. You represented a challenge. You were strong, independent and happy before, you will most definately be so again. I absolutely promise you!

Anniegetyourgun, I get your point. I have thought about that before but my Dad is friends with man who provides security to a lot of the lettings agents around here, so I could find a property that would allow me to have my pets in. I was living in one such property when I met DH.

He might think that way though.

I did ask him last night why he said what he did when he must realise that it would be hurtful and he denied saying most of it [confused} I know what he said and how he said it and it was nothing like the way he described when I challenged him on it. I don't get what he thinks he will acheive with this.

For example he said he did not say I was a size 24, he said 20, but that would make no sense. That would mean he would have said "Well why are you looking at size 20 clothes when you must be at least a size 20?" Plus that wouldn't have upset me as much because I am a size 20 in tops and an 18 in bottoms, if they don't have an 18 in bottoms I'll go for a 20 and I have a bit of room.

I'm also abusive towards him he reckons because I don't spend anytime with him and accuse of him of calling me names all the time and I tell him I am not happy in the relationship. I wonder if that is because you put me down all teh time, you complete and utter fuckwit

Anyway, my brain is hurting from thinking about it now. I don't know what he is doing or why. I know he must mean to try and hurt me, or else he would say it in public and now I know that normal men do not speak to their partners in this way, so it's not just a man thing, which is what I was wondering before this thread.

I've decided I'm going to focus on me for a while and pretty much ignore most of what he says because it's obviously designed to hurt me is some way and is probably not even true. I know I am overweight, but I bet I don't look as horrific as he tries to make out.

the mans an idiot

i am 4 stone overweight and have had issues for the last 10 years. in all that time, my husband has said nothing negative except gentle encouragement and that he loves me.

you need to tell him every time he says something like that, point it out, repeat it.

one word Dooin GAS LIGHTING? you heard of that?

you need to detach, briliant idea. detach and observe. hold on to the real truth around you, you are smart, you know what's going on, don't doubt it.

Any scenarios that you question in your mind, come on here or on the EA thread and ask, we'll tell you straight!

Other people will probably put this better than me but accusing you of misremembering or misquoting what he said is just all bluff isn't it? Does it matter if he said 20 or 24? It's the way he said it and his intent that matters. He wants you to think you're imagining things. You're not. He's not very nice and you deserve better. How old is your DD1 now? Have you been together a long time?

Realising that someone is not the person you thought is incredibly hard. The fact that they could deliberately want you to feel bad is not an easy thing to accept. I'm 5 years on but even now I'll suddenly think 'He did it deliberately! He knew exactly what he was doing!' and it's horrible because his demeanour (for want of a better word) was one of someone who loved the bones of me. It would be easier to accept if he'd been an open and out and out bastard. I, at least, would have known what I was letting myself in for. Oh, yeah, he was seemingly a bit dim too as was my ex-h.

I hope you rediscover the strength (it's in there! You just need to gather it all together) to make a better life for yourself with or without him. You sound lovely.