If you are alert and on your guard, going into a situation aware there could be a danger, if you are looking for red flags, you can possibly spot them.
If you allow yourself to be swept off your feet, you are already potentially in dangerous territory.
In this case the guy has got under OP's radar by being different, my X was the same, the feigning interest in her, for her sake, and not her body etc is a classic, but very shortly in, he started on her lipstick, her top that made her look like something somewhere dodgy. Maybe it's not as cynical as that, maybe these blokes DO think we are the one to begin with , but then as their interest grows, their need to control grows with it, until it suffocates us.
My mum is married to an idiot, he does all the stuff my abusive X did, but the difference is what happens when she snaps and puts her foot down. He listens, he improves, he learns. My X would perhaps stop, for a while, but he would find a way to get his own back on me for that, and he would make me pay for that removal of his right to be nasty in some other way. If I removed an entitlement for him to abuse me, he would find another thing to do to hurt me. He would exact revenge.
Absolutely agree with you on the whole thing not being the victim's fault, it's not, never was, never will be. The only mistake we make is to trust people who are not what they are pretending to be. They have ulterior motives, all we want is to love someone who we think loves us.
IME, I see that strong independent woman, vulnerable for a reason; age, circumstances, relationships, work, are the ones often targeted, as they are a challenge, need to be broken, tamed and brought into line.