to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

[GetOrfMoiCase]

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

oldladyknowsnothing
The site that you link to is a pro abort site out to debunk anything in circulation that might harm the pro abort position.
I have just read the article. It isn't even close to a debunking. She is trying to build a case for the article to be false by claiming that his language is sloppy and medically inaccurate ( read it and you'll see what I mean) and that therefore he may not actually be a doctor at all.
I found his account to be very credible.
His use of the term "ruptured tubal pregnancy" is completely correct and not unusual.
The writer is a person with no medical background who is basically saying "I don't believe it" but has no good argumments for why, so she has inveted a few.
It's incredibly disingenuous and misleading to headline an article like that with "interesting how lies spread".

Yeah, sorry, failed to read the link properly before posting.

Am pro-choice.

On a thread someone once said that there is almost no such thing as an open adoption in the UK, at least as we know it in the US? Is that true?

blackcurrants that link is really interesting. She sounds like she sufferend a lot at the hands of a less than professional adoption agency.

In the same vein as the previous discussion about how more in society should be willing to adopt and foster, and at the very least pay for decent care for children in care, we should also be prepared to support birth mothers after the adoption.

I'm not suprised to learn that being a birth mother and giving away your baby is incredibly traumatic for the mother, much more so than an abortion. Or that it's often very traumatic for the baby too. I'm back to the same weighing argument though: which is the lesser of two evils: is the abortion trauma for the mother plus the death of the foetus preferable to the worse trauma for the mother of adpotion, plus a life for the foetus which may be one reduced in quality due to issues from the adoption. No choice is the "right" one for all circumstances, neither is without a serious drawback.

The only solution to avoid the unwanted pregnancy in the first place, i.e. nobody ever has sex unless they are attempting to conceive. Also not a viable option - absteinance is 100% effective if practised, but humans are not 100% good at practising it, which is why I believe it doesn't work as a birth control method but should be taught as one of a range of options ("either don't do it, or if you do it make sure you're protected" as opposed to "well you're going to do it anyway because only weird people don't want to have sex so lets talk contraception")

All in all what strikes me about this thread is

1. there is an incredible amount of pain and suffering in the world, with many people facing hard decisions where they are going to be hurt whatever the outcome.
2. Most posters on mumsnet can articulate really interesting arguments which change my mind on many important topics, and I'm sure i'm a more tolerant person because of threads like this.

If abortion had been legal in 1964 then I probably wouldn't be here. That doesn't make me any less pro choice.

Though I rather wish I hadn't read that link from the point of view of the birth mother who gave up her baby for adoption. But at the same time I think all the antichoice nutjobs (and if you are antively antichoice ie you campaign to reduce choice, you are an obnoxious, woman-hating, sexually dysfunctional nutjob) should be made to read it.

I am very, very reluctantly pro-choice, SGB, and I do not hate women, nor am I a nutjob. Or sexually dysfunctional. But I don't campaign.

It is odd, in my opinion, to feel nothing at all about it

Nobody feels nothing. That's not possible. We just feel relief about it. Unfortunately, some people can't cope with us feeling that feeling, so they prefer not to acknowledge that is is even possible to feel relief about a termination, preferring to call our relief nothing

The 'dirty little secret' part came about after poster told OP & those who confessed similar, that they shouldn't talk about it, that they shouldn't feel 'nothing' about having done it.

Therefore putting it up among the great 'untold'. Therefore a 'dirty little secret"

but its still not a nice topic of discussion

neither is rape, domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, child abuse...

But they are still discussed on MN on a regular basis. And none of those who come on with the above problems are told not to discuss it, or that people would rather they didn't start a thread about it, or that they shouldn't talk about it in RL.

What, prey tell... is the difference? We should all be one voice. One voice for women to have utter & complete control over their bodies. This is what we all want, yes? Except when it comes to talking about terminations. We should shut up then, shouldn't we!?

I certainly don't think you should shut up! I'm a big believer in free speech. What I dislike (and not in reference to this thread, just generally speaking) is people getting up in my face insisting that I do something about "my rights being taken away", when I cannot forsee a situation in which I would choose abortion.

this is suppose to be a democratic country but some of you obviously wish it was a dictatorship

NO, the ones telling us it isn't a nice subject to speak about are doing that! You go on about democracies yet YOU are telling us we can't talk about how lives are better because we had a termination.

Do you see the irony in that?

I don't think anyone should tell you that you shouldn't talk about it, but I would think people'd be tactful enough not to do it in this fashion, certainly.

Suppose not, though.

pink4ever

I too had a childhood like that, which started off as a failed abortion attempt by my mother. You see, she didn't want me. I was unplanned, unwanted. Her brothers & husband talked her into it 'you'll love it like you love the others' 'you're just in shock' 'you won't regret having it'.

She didn't, she wasn't, she did. We d no longer talk after she told me all this at 16.

She told me that I ruined her life. That she wished I was never born & that she threw herself down the stairs to induce a miscarriage. And I live with that every day. The pain that I wasn't wanted. That she hated me. That she didn't love me as much as my siblings. Oh I knew it from a young age, she couldn't hide it very well at all & then to share that with me, just....well it was like the final nail in the coffin.

Total devastation. For the rest of my life. THAT is why I believe every woman has the right to termination. Because one day their 'babies' (if forced to keep them) will be adults with way too much baggage to handle. For the rest of their lives.

It isn't just the woman a refused termination affects.

Different, that's horrible. What a terrible thing to say to a child.

In what fashion, yank? To say on a forum, that sees posts about abortion almost everyday, that you don't always regret it?

I am fed up of hearing 'you never regret having the baby, but you will regret the abortion' or 'no one regrets that baby they have, only the ones they don't'.

Me, an unwanted baby, with a life time of pain surrounding that, reading that...and I shouldn't be able to share the other side of that story however I feel appropriate?

Yes, I see.

Well, anyway, I doubt we'll change anyone's mind, and it's obviously an extremely personal topic with the potential to be highly upsetting.

I'll just hide the thread now, and Different again I am so sorry. It was not your fault! You were an innocent child. I'm sorry for your pain.

A thread where people say 'I FF and am not ashamed and couldn't give a fuck' wont help me

Maybe it won't help YOU, but it may help someone. We can't avoid telling different stories just because it won't help some people, because it will help other people!

Thank you Yank. Thankfully I have great friends & 2 wonderful girls who help me forget all that.

I guess I just see the child's side of the debate & for me, life wasn't great!

Ok, firstly I am aware that it looks like I am (largely) talking to myself, but I am in Australia & only this morning found this thread. And I need to respond in my own way, so sorry for the multiple posts.

I don't understand why people who have had abortions and have no issues with it feel the need to tell everyone? Why? Most people don't want to know. Why should we? I don't think this is a brave thread or a useful thread tbh

Yet, YOU decided to open the thread & read it. If you don't want to know about it, you don't have to. It isn't like we are on the Television & you can only watch this channel.

I wanted to tell people because there ARE people who need to hear this. Just as I did before I had mine, when a wonderful friend shared her experience & told me she has no regrets. Recently another friend found herself facing the same choice, I talked her through her options & mentioned that I have no regrets & that gave her the strength to terminate her pregnancy. She too, has no regrets.

Regardless of what you think, you are not every women's advocate. YOU cannot tell us not to share our experiences, just because some don't want to hear it or read about it. The title is pretty clear as to the content, and as such EVERYONE is alerted to what we are discussing!

This is one thing that I would always fight for. A woman's right to decide if she carries a baby to term or not & feel safe knowing that she can feel what the hell she wants to afterwards. YOU have no right telling me or anyone else that we can't share that, especially here!

I understand that. I had 2, at the ages of 17 and 19. It took me YEARS to tell my parents. Both bf's didn't want the baby. The 1st paid and then left me and the 2nd wouldn't see me until it was done and then paid a lot of attention to me (but ignored me saying I am no supposed to drive but he wouldn't come to my house). Sad to say, I married the 2nd guy but it ended in divorce about 8 1/2 yrs ago. I didn't feel bad for a long time but still thought about it. I couldn't feel bad because I couldn't change the past. I was too afraid of my Dad to have the babies and I felt I would not want to give them away. I made sure it was done as early as possible. Since the 2nd, I had tried to get pregnant with my ex-husband (the 2nd bf) and it never happened. It's sad that I never really wanted kids to begin with and now I have an almost 16 yr old step-son. I love him but I don't feel I am a maternal woman. I have done many good things in my life though, giving to charity, being there for my nieces and nephews, being there for my step-son (well, he is considered my step-son by me and his parents - me & my bf are not married but together 7 1/2 years). Some people are made to be maternal and some, like me, are not. But I try.

Oh, FYI - I will be 40 in mid-September.

there are plenty of women who may never get over the trauma of having an abortion. There are plenty of women coerced into having an abortion

Yes, of course there is. As there are women who never get over a trauma of a terrible birth. But that doesn't mean that we can't share the positives of each situation.

More reason, imo to show that we are capable of making this choice for ourselves & not feeling any terrible after effects, such as guilt etc! For every negative there is a positive. Why try to silence that!?

NOT the needs of those who had abortions and don't really care. If abortion is treated so lightly then we are doing a huge disservice to the women I just mentioned

OK, you are starting to piss me off. NO one has said we don't care. We don't feel guilt, that is completely different! I do care that I had a termination, I care because it changed my life from what was a very dark time, back to one that had light. I cared every fucking night that I sobbed for the situation I found myself in, the fact that medical staff had failed me, I cared that my attitude at the time made my dh's & dds life hell! I cared that I, at one point saw an out by the way crashing my car into a wall (I didn't, but only because my baby was in the car) I cared that I cried in front of my 5yr old EVERYTIME I took her too school.

I cared because I tried & failed to prevent another pregnancy. I cried because I needed it over. NOTHING would have made me bring that child into this world, but I cried daily until it was gone.

Why did I cry? Because I thought that God would strike me dead for doing what I had to do. Because I believed it was bad, wrong. I am & was, completely pro choice, but I really thought that I was doing a bad thing.

So don't you dare, ok! Because you have NO idea what we go through. It isn't made lightly, not at all. Stop trying to lessen our experiences & shut us up because we made a choice & are happy with it.

I am sorry that for some it didn't turn out the same. I know that people have life long regrets after doing it. I didn't. That I am not sorry for.

4 out of 5 of my closest friends have had abortions and none of them have any regrets, feel any shame or were traumatised in any way. It is a myth that all women feel terrible about it and I, for one, don't see why that should have to be some shameful whispered secret.

WHO says you should all feel guilty?

Implied by anyone on this thread - inc you - who has told us it is not a nice thing to discuss/it is wrong not to feel anything/OP shouldn't have started this thread/we shouldn't 'boast'/that our guilt free life will upset others...ad infinitum!