to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

[GetOrfMoiCase]

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

If you dont want a baby, dont have one. (duh!)

hate how much some people try to control other people's lives. Butt out!

As usual, the antichoicers are beautifully demonstrating how much they hate and despise women. If it wasn;t such fun to wind them up, I don't know that I'd bothere, they usually manage to make themselves look spiteful, idiotic and sexually dysfunctional without anyone else's assistance.

Oh, and if Queenmary is a midwife, I am a fucking homeopath.

Ive had 2 abortions. I don't feel ashamed. It was the right choice both times. I'm angry with myself for getting in the positions both times (failed contraception) and I would like to say that I only slept with men that I could see myself having futures with at times I was ready to bring a life into the world properly. But lifes not like that so I stand by my choices. In some way I'm proud of myself for having the maturity and sense to have seen that I could not have provided the best for my children at that time and wasn't going to bring a life into the world in those circumstances.

I will however, have to live with those choices for those rest of my life and I will never forget what maybe, could of been.
Abortion should be discussed more, it certainly isn't the easy option and people should be more informed. Too many children live below the poverty line and in difficult circumstances in the uk as it is.

And the smuggos touting the 'Well I use contraception proplerly' line - maybe you're just not that fertile. Some people are a lot more fertile than others, and it's not something you necessarily know about yourself unless and until you are actually trying to get PG and it doesn't happen.

Also, an early abortion is statistically safer than giving birth. So all you antichoice nutjobs think about this - you are basically saying that your fuckwitted superstition and sentimentality entitle you to force women to risk their lives so your feelings aren't outraged.

GerorfMoicase, good for you for posting. I am glad that you don't feel any shame or regret. You are not alone. It was your decision, you made it and it worked out best. I don't understand those who are bitching about it, your decision had no impact whatever on their lives.

Sadly I can easily believe that QueenMary is a MW. I was lucky not to come across one like her in RL but my Mum did and so do many other MNers. :(

Getorf - my last posts on this thread are lost somewhere on page 22 I think!

I'm going to have to hide this thread now because its all a little too raw at the moment for me but I stand by my posts/comments.

springchickenbrassneck
"So all you antichoice nutjobs think about this - you are basically saying that your fuckwitted superstition and sentimentality entitle you to force women to risk their lives so your feelings aren't outraged."

Wrong again brassy.
The pro abort argument is entirely emotionally driven. My perspective is dry eyed and ruthlessly consistent.
To wit:
Abortion is wrong because it is a baby, and it is ALWAYS WRONG TO INTENTIONALLY KILL A BABY.
There.

How comforting that naive certainty must be queenmary.

Queenmary if your argument were not emotionally driven then you wouldn't say anything because another's decision to have an abortion is none of your business.

Life is not always black and white and so beautifully straightforward Queenmary. It is a mix of greys and in-betweens

QueenMary, if you're a midwife then you'll know that a foetus is a foetus, not a baby. It's a baby - a seperate entity- when it's born, and there is not a hard cut off point for survival as a seperate entity which is what makes the decision harder for some people. I had a medical abortion at 6 weeks, the bundle of cells I lost was too small to even identify as a foetus. It had the potential to become a baby, but I didn't give it the chance to.

It was a bit sad and a bit of an anxious experience - because of the fear of the unknown more than anything. But my overriding feelings of that 48hrs were relief, and of anger at the group of 5 or 6 intimidating women stood outside the clininc waving 'you are evil babykillers' placards. I was a young woman, living in a shared house, with a real life that was just blossoming into adulthood, and a long term partner who I had just realised was not right for me. Now, many fulfilling years later, I am a great mum to an adopted child who I've chosen to be the joint parent of and who I love unconditionally and am so happy to have in my life. I have never yet tried to concieve a child, and think I may never feel the need to. So I have absolutely no regrets, or guilt.

I have tried to be more open about my abortion, because it is an experience many women feel ambivalent about, but that they struggle to share because of a perceived need to sit on the pro or anti side of the fence. I think its very sad that we cant talk about it more openly and that's its one of the last taboos. I am COMPLETELY pro choice - and when that choice is taken a woman should be able to admit some sadness or even regret without being told she's done the wrong thing.

Thanks for starting this thread GetOrf. YANBU, or boastful, you are being honest and open and shedding some much needed daylight on this too hidden subject.

I have stayed away from this thread today because being likened yesterday to a Serbian murdered of 8000 innocents was a bit odd to say the least.

I have retreated to my normal MN mainstays - chat about trivia and shite.

I must say I wish to fuck I hadn't posted this thread on one hand, as I am (naively?) astonished at the vitriol.

I am very thankful to all those who posted - both those who think what I posted was a disgrace to the human race and all those who were supportive.

I have revealed far to much about myself on here and like I said upthread perhaps I sound unhinged. DP has said to me 'stay away from that fucking thread' as I have talked at length about it.

However.

I was an unwanted baby. My mother hid her pregnancy for the 8 months (I was born prematurely) and loathed herself for having had a baby which she hated. My birth ruined her life. She is 50 now and a drug addict. She has so many emotional problems she can barely function. She has been very free in letting me know I have ruined her life. She didn't raise me - I was raised by my gran, and was raised to think that she was my mother in a ridiculous Catherine Cookson type of story. She was abusive and violent (a reason why my mother was too terrified to tell anyone she was pregnant in the first place). My mother run off and left me there to rot. I don't blame her - she was messed up. I grew up thinking I was a mistake and an unloved inconvenience.

It would have been better for my mother if I had never been born. And, although it is a strange philosophical way of thinking, it would have been better for me not to have been born. I am mentally still struggling every day in my 30s in trying to convince myself that I am not worthless and pointless.

Another vomit of personal experience: I had a mirena and became oregnant on it. How reliable is the mirena? 99.8%? I was utterly horrified. I didn't know what the fuck to do at the time. Thankfully (thankfully! fuck me) it was ectopic. I am utterly sickened at what netto and michelle had to endure. My god they had what was described as INFALLIBLE (practically) contraception. I am so so sorry that you both had such fucking awful experiences. Really sorry.

Oh I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

Well said learningtofly. I hope to talk to you again if you do hide this thread.

Oh GetOrf, I understand that you feel the way you feel, but take heart in the fact that you did a brave thing by starting this thread. You do not have to justify it as your decision had no impact or cost to anyone else. You did what was best for you. It really was what was best for you and the haters here (and they are haters) are irrelevant. Irrelevant to your decision. Irrelevant to your life.

Unfortunately, they are loud and shouty and the voices of reason, such as yours are often unheard. You made yourself heard and you should be proud.

Withdraw your post then, if it makes you feel better. But I salute your honesty, and I think this thread was a positive thing and not (if you don't mind me saying) all about you.

I find it odd that many of the MNers I respect posted in their droves in your support, yet the ones on the loonier fringes I have never heard of. The nutty religious right monitors chat rooms and forums for these kind of debates, specifically to pour vitriol and bile on women who dare to stand up for other women's right to choose. Please don't let the obvious whackos cause you a moment's disquiet. They are best ignored.

QueenMary - you are an incompetent midwife and someone who should not be in a caring profession.

I feel very sorry indeed for any mother who comes under your dubious 'care'

Midwives like you make me wish that care for pregnant women was removed from midwife led care to obstetricians and obstetric nurses.

Thanks BOF.

I don't want it to be me me me. I should listen to DP really and just leave it. But then on the other hand (good old stubborn me) I think why the fuck should I.

I really should stick to talking about Urban Decay eyeshadows.

I think you should leave it. It's been really informative and worthwhile, but the nutters have got a sniff of it now, and it's all downhill from here.

But somebody out there will have been helped by this, I can guarantee it. And next time maybe the conversation will be that little bit easier for other women to have.

I'm glad you started it getoffmycase. You've helped me.

GetOrf, I'm not sorry you posted it. Sadly though its hard to change people's minds on here, because they're people you don't know. But there must be at least a hundred posters on here, and they will talk to their partners/friends, maybe you've done a little to bring it more into the open, so thanks from humankind for that.

You had a horrible time as a child. I can empathise a little bit with what you say, I have some childhood scars, though nothing like what you went through, and even I have bleaker moments of wishing I could stop this life and start over again with a 'normal' childhood. Unfortunately I believe you only get one life and once youre here its seems such a shame, and such a kick in the teeth to those who leave it early, to waste it. You are still here and you have a DP and DD who love you. And you have passion and feeling, so hopefully some great friends in RL who appreciate you. Make the most of them - and thanks again for sharing your story. To You!

I will leave it now.

I have nothing more to add in any case.

Getorf.
Forget the vitriol. It's everywhere when abortion is mentioned.

You were not bragging or boasting. It is our right (still...) to manage our fertility as we wish. Women have always done this. Now in the West, we have the ability to do so safely.

It is important that those of us brave enough to speak out (and be pilloried for it) do so. I had an abortion 16 years ago. I was immature, depressed and pregnant by an alcoholic. My child would probably have had to be taken into care had it been born. I chose to terminate at 7 weeks.

I would be interested to hear if the antichoice lobby who shed so many crocodile tears at the fate of the unborn would be prepared to pay additional taxes for the DECENT upbringing of unwanted babies? Or perhaps adopt one themselves? NO? Then stop spouting that a life in care, or with a depressed overwhelmed mother, is 'better' than termination.

What about contraception? Think of all the lovely ickle potential geniuses blocked from the life that would naturally be theirs! Why, they never even got the chance to BE babies!! How dare these selfish women take control of their god given reproductive organs, eh?

Then all your sentiment about the unborn is actually misogyny. Because you don't give a shit what happens to the poor ickle foetuses when they are born. And because of that, all your talk of morality is pure cant.

oh, and by the way, I suffer from chronic depression but I certainly didn't feel specifically depressed by my abortion. And never have.