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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

187 replies

BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:09

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
FlamingJamie · 26/04/2011 14:07

Don't show her this thread. It implicitly criticises her mum

fortyplus · 26/04/2011 14:10

'Most of his wall is in dutch' - big alarm bells for me - is the age of consent still 12 in the Netherlands??

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 14:11

Glad you are reporting it - not just for your DSDs sake but also all the other girls he's probably grooming. Angry

Be warned though, she is very likely to stop trusting you, and/or go to great lengths to hide any contact with him. I think I would have done that if my parents had been angry, it is fairly standard teenage behaviour anyway.

BTW in case there was any confusion, I didn't meet my DH online, and my parents had met him before we got together.

fortyplus · 26/04/2011 14:12

Just thought - I'm an admin for a sports club fb page and we started getting lots of dodgy messages from China and Saudi Arabia. I was able to restrict access to my coice of countries so I just made it available to fb members in the UK, US and Australia (club is in the UK but some members have family overseas).

Can you do the same with a personal profile?

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:14

fortyplus I think they turn a blind eye after 12 years if both aprties are of a similar age. According to Wiki. Worryingly in Spain the age of concent is 13 Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:15

flamingjamie My original posts didnt criticise her mum. More recently I did but that was after I said i wasn't going to show DSD.

OP posts:
scrappydappydoo · 26/04/2011 14:15

Oh good grief what a situation - I really feel for you... (un-mumsnetty hugs)
Firstly I think you need to tell your dh asap and then you BOTH need to talk to her mum - just to clarify what has been said and hasn't and then you need to contact the police.
You need to remove her facebook account and get a new mobile number.
Yes it will be difficult to do but this is for her benefit even though she doesn't realise it now she will do at some point in the future. She needs some good stable parenting and at the moment its sounds like it is down to you and dh.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:18

Hmm... will investigate fortyplus but I don't think that the problem will stop by getting rid of this one particular man. She needs to realise the problem - I'm sure there are others around the corner.

She has often had to refuse friend requests from strange men who she says's 'eww' and 'perv' about. I think because this guiy is young and attractive and not a bearded old man, she doesnt see the problem.

Teenagers seem to think peodophiles all look the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:19

scrappy i would love for both of us to be able to have a sensible conversation with her mum but we have been told in no uncertain terms that i am not to get involved with the parenting of her DD. My DP could talk to her but that only ever results in her somehow making him back down, so again, no use.

OP posts:
FlamingJamie · 26/04/2011 14:22

OP - sorry, wasn't meaning you necessarily (and I don't think that it would be wrong to criticise her mum), I just meant it wouldn't be good for her to see her mum being criticised by others. Also, i missed where you said you weren't going to show it to her. Must read more carefully!

You do sound like you are a good SM

Rhinestone · 26/04/2011 14:27

No, no, no. Normal 18 year olds are not interested in 12 year olds. And she needs a mother, not a best friend. Thankfully you sound wonderful.

Please tell your DH and stay firm.

VajazzHands · 26/04/2011 14:27

I think you should call the guy yourself.

Or facebook him.

Dear arsehole,

I feel very sorry for you that no woman of legal age will ever find you attractive. I feel even more sorry for you that you feel your sexual prowess could only be appriciated by a 12 year old and not a woman of your own age.

But my priority is my step daughter and I would like you to please back off now. You have been reported to Facebook and to the police who will be checking your profile and IP address to find out who you really are and how to find you.

If you make any further contact with my daughter I will see to it personally that you don't pee straight for the rest of your natural life.

Yours truly,
bomgoneoff

BarbaraBar · 26/04/2011 14:28

I doubt very much that:

a) this man is 18 (not that it actually matters here but ykwim)

b) he lives abroad

I will bet you my last malteser that he will suddenly say that he's in this country meeting up with friends/family and he'd love to see her but she mustn't tell anyone. You will not know that she's agreed to meet him until she has gone. Terrifying.

I would suggest getting in touch with ceop as a matter of urgency.

www.ceop.police.uk/report-abuse/

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 14:28

Has she specifically said why she likes this guy and not the others? What has he done that makes him different?

Agree that teens - and adults - often think pedophiles are all the same. The whole 'dirty old man' thing. But a 16yo could be one, as could a female. To me though it doesn't really matter if this guy is 18 or 80 (apart from the fact that if he is lying it is further evidence of his offence)

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:31

Grin vajazzhands! I think that is what DP is going to want to do. Either that or get on a plane to the netherlands with some pliers!

OP posts:
FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 14:36

I hope you are joking vajazz!

WhereonearthamI · 26/04/2011 14:44

I was abused as a teenager, by someone in authority. I told my mother as I was not comfortable with his behaviour and she did send my older sister in with me once to see what was happening, but of course he behaved himself when he had an audience (though not all the time, it has to be said), so nothing was done about it at the time, and I assumed his behaviour was ok, even though I wasn't happy about it.

15 years later he's in prison for what he did to me and others. I got off fairly lightly compared to some of the others, but it's still left me f-d up and I find it too hard to trust men so I avoid relationships. He videoed one lass naked, more than once, but she said by the time it got to that point she felt too embarrassed to tell her parents. I dread to think how she's feeling now.

It's far too easy for things to progress, and if nobody listens to you what do you do? As others have said, your DSD quite possibly realises there's something amiss and is wanting confirmation, which is what I was after and didn't get. Please don't let things get to the point where she can't tell right from wrong and is too confused to ask for help.

TandB · 26/04/2011 14:47

Well if you decide to share any of the comments on this thread with her, here is one she might want to mull over.

I am a lawyer and I once dealt with someone who had contacted a 14 year-old girl over an extended period of time, starting off with innocent comments and building up to sexual activity via webcam and eventually persuading her to meet him so that they could go back to his house and "cuddle". He had various incriminating items in his car indicating that he was intending to do far more than cuddle. He told her he was 16. He turned out to be in his late 30s.

The fact that said 14 year-old girl turned out to be an undercover male police officer in his 50s really only adds to the message that anyone can be anyone on the internet.

I second the poster who suggested sitting he down and explaining why you need to involve her father in this. You can approach it from the point of view of "it is because I care about you so much that...."

tulpe · 26/04/2011 14:53

Kungfuupanda makes an excellent case to put to both your DSD, her dad and her mum.

Feel for you because she is obviously going to be resentful and blame you to an extent. No real advice on that score other than to continue to be consistent and a parent and ride through the storm because you know YANBU to put an end to this online "relationship".

BTW, having Dutch language on his wall posts doesn't necessarily indicate he is from NL. A significant number of Belgians also speak Dutch as a first language.

TakeItOnTheChins · 26/04/2011 14:54

If the "14 year old" was in fact an undercover police officer, how were they having sex via a webcam? Weren't his helmet and bald patch a giveaway?

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:56

fried Just that he 'understands' her and has apparently told her it is because boys of her age only want sex but he is all about the personality...

OP posts:
amberleaf · 26/04/2011 14:57

TakeItOnTheChins maybe he just liked to be watched?

VajazzHands · 26/04/2011 14:57

Not at all Eggy,

I do think the OP should contact FB and the police and I think for her own daughters safety she should then let him know she's on to him. Pedophiles groom children to not share what is happening with their parents.. He dsd did exactly the right thing and told someone she could trust. This asshole will see it isn't in his intrest to mess around with her anymore.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 15:06

Well, thank go she told me at this stage before anything bad has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 15:06

god

OP posts:
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