To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

[BOMgoneoff]

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

well done, you sound like an amazing step-mum.

Can I suggest you/DP/ mum having a chat about with her form tutor at school? I work in schools and one of the things I noticed is the amount of access the kids have to the internet (when they are supposed to be doing their work!). It might not be a bad idea if the adults at school are keeping an eye on her as well.

I would re-iterate the advice to report to the police and CEOPS (if not done already). If (worst case scenario) this person is working in a gang, there may another one waiting in the wings.

All child protection work I have been involved in has emphasized the importance of telling children that you can't keep their secrets all the time, if you think something might need to be done to keep them safe. It might be worth 're'-telling DP with DSD, so that she knows the adults who are supposed to be looking after her are looking after her and watching her closely.

she still under age and shouldn't be talking to an 18 year old on internet and people say who they & age (lie to reel them in we mums don't know if this 18 year old could be a criminal ) and she to understand her safety and the dangers on taking to strangers on internet . if she has any messages from this 18 year old in question show them to her dad if on phone laptop any devices she has .My eldest & youngest Lacey & Grace daughters 12 & 10 are in high school and both doesn't have any social media accounts until there are older if choose to (Thier friends have snapchat they don't .) and both understand the importance of not talking to strangers online and to know signs of danger .she may hate u but truth is she will thank u one day .

@MammaGemma

It's a zombie thread, from 2011. The child in question will be at least 20 now.

You have named your daughters and given their ages....perhaps report your comment and get it removed, in light of what the original thread was about.

It's great that you have his Facebook info, because that means you can report him effectively here:
www.ceop.police.uk/.

She is at significant risk that he will get her to take indecent photos. Once he's reported tell her father, being a parent is the most important thing.

Sorry, I didn't see it was a zombie thread

BOMgoneoff thank goodness she has you. You navigated that with kindness, consideration and openess to your DSD.

You gave her a chance to reflect and make the decision to block without forcing or patronising her.

Sounds like her teenage years maybe rough given the instability with her Mum, but it's clear she trusts you and comes to your for support.

HELL NO!!!

I’d be telling her dad.

Informing the school and police she is being groomed.

Shut down all social media.

Have conversations with her about grooming / sexual abuse / showing learning videos etc etc

I’d be going to town to protect this child. Very difficult when the mother is clearly insane!

A very sobering situation - you did the right thing. However, I would still report him to the police. Sorry if you have already done that and I have missed it.

I always think that a useful litmus test is to consider what would be 'normal' if modern technology was not involved. If an 18 year old had been calling for her at the door or ringing her on the family landline, no one would find that acceptable or have any hesitation in putting a stop to it.

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 8 YEARS AGO!!!

THIS THREAD IS FROM 2011 PEOPLE!!!!!

She's a child. You have to protect her from being groomed. Do the right thing.

Yes, and since 2011 a number of children have been killed or abused in similar situations.

Obviously it is an error, but if it raises a bit of awareness it is probably not the worst thing.