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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

187 replies

BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:09

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
lalabaloo · 26/04/2011 21:10

Glad it all worked out okay :)

ratspeaker · 26/04/2011 21:17

Glad it's worked out ok
Yes 12 year olds need boundaries, you can be pals with them in their 20s

Another thing you could have done or still can do is to google the guys name, email, phone number etc etc and see if anything pops up

TheRedQueen · 26/04/2011 21:27

I've been lurking on this thread and all I can say is "Wow, BOMgoneoff - you're amazing. Your DSD is so lucky to have you".

hoquew · 26/04/2011 21:36

I don't want to worry you but that's crazy, there's hundreds of horror stories on the internet that are just like this.

Where are this guy's parents? Most 18 year old's parents would surely 'have words'. I assume he knows her age?

Her dad won't be happy if something goes awry and he was last to know.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 21:41

Well done BOM. she is lucky to have you.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but do - subtly - keep an eye out in case this sort of thing happens again. Especially because her useless mother isn't doing it.

maypole1 · 26/04/2011 21:59

Tell her father if in the event she meets this guy or something happens can you live with the fact you knew all along.

Tell her father, report him and her on facebook then call the police if mum thinks it's ok the you need to ring ss for her

frazzle26 · 26/04/2011 22:12

When I was 14 a friend of mine was having a "relationship" with a 21 year old man from the youth group we both attended (she was 13). He used to climb in her bedroom window at night- she lived in a bungalow i might add. The point is that at the time we all thought that this was really cool having an older BF etc and this is probably how your DSD feels. My friend loved all the attention and the fact he had more money to spend on her than boys of her own age. This may be true for your DSD.

Anyway, now when I think back I realise what a creep he was. He actually tried to add me as a friend on facebook a few months ago and i declined. Weirdo.

frazzle26 · 26/04/2011 22:14

I forgot to add- you are totally right to be worried BTW. Talk to her about the dangers and if that doesn't work report her to FB and get her act closed. It would be good to somehow get her mum onside.

hairfullofsnakes · 26/04/2011 22:16

Tell her father NOW

She is not mature enough to be on fb especially as she thinks this is ok

wotnochocs · 27/04/2011 00:09

the bit about lots of girls from 11 to 20 is a bit strange.11-15 maybe but surely it would be normal for an 18 yr old to have lots of friends in the 15-20 age bracket

salsmum · 27/04/2011 00:28

Sorry if it's already been said but could you not find out this 'young mans' location i.e, U.K.? from the phone provider? could they help if they knew the reasons for your concern?.
YADDDDDNBU.

textfan · 27/04/2011 01:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 27/04/2011 06:52

Was thinking about this thread last night - just wanted to ask, you saw her block him online but what about on her mobile? Just something to be aware of.

I am a bit concerned that despite being Popular and happy at school she still feels misunderstood - I guess that's because of her mum though. Silly woman needs to step up Angry

onadietcokebreak · 27/04/2011 07:16

Please please please call the police.

My sister was groomed, it ended very badly

notgoingback · 27/04/2011 08:33

I teach PSHE and we cover internet safety in that. The students are on the whole very aware of the dangers of the internet, of having high privacy settings on profiles, of not talking on phone or internet with strangers etc., etc.

However, what they say they know and what they say they do on-line is different to the reality... I am sure that they will talk to strangers via internet/mobiles because they feel that the physical distance will keep them safe, they are also more comfortable with people who say they are not much older than them, even tho' it may be fabricated. Also some will get together in groups to chat with strangers, I think this gives them a feeling of safety too. This is what they have told me they do...

This does not apply to all young people of course, they can be really mature, but there are times when some will forget all they know because they are having fun, getting attention, feeling special, showing off to mates etc.

The Ceops videos are very good.

Agree that this should be reported to police. Also follow up with DSD to check no more contact has been made.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 27/04/2011 10:13

UPDATE at Tue 26-Apr-11 20:56:58 - just for any of you new to the thread Grin Although I'm not sure if I was clear I did tell her dad but she doesnt know I told him as we soprted it out and she asked that i didn't tell him as she was embarrassed.

I have sent the link to that video to her school because she said she hadn't seen it already and I think it is important they are teaching them about this stuff.

I have logged in to her facebook this morning as I got the password off of her and he is still blocked. I will check sporadically. I looked in her phone address book and his number isn't there and there were no messages from him. Just pictures, but I they were emailed. She has removed her phone number from her wall and we have set all her setings to make her profile completely private.

What i did point out though is that even if her profile is private, her frineds profiles may not be so she needs to watch what pictures and info they are giving away about her.

I have also reported the guy to CEOPS.

fried that worries me too.

Phew! Thanks again for all the advice.

OP posts:
amberleaf · 27/04/2011 10:31

She lucky she has you looking out for her and that she felt able to speak with you about it.

Glad its sorted but yes keep an eye out still.

JamieAgain · 27/04/2011 20:43

Good on you Bom

Rhinestone · 27/04/2011 20:51

Well done BOM, you're DSD is one lucky girl to have you and you are one fantastic mother.

Rhinestone · 27/04/2011 20:51

your DSD, sorry!

seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 27/04/2011 21:15

Late to this thread, but I just wanted to admire you for a minute. I don't think you could have handled this any more spectacularly!

Sounds like she's having a very unsettled time, she is very lucky that you are being so solid for her Smile

LovelyDaffs · 27/04/2011 21:34

This is great news, your thread has been in my mind all day I'm glad the film helped.

My parents divorced when I was 8, my mum sounds very like your dsd's and I also delt misunderstood. However if I'd had a stepmother who'd acted like you have over this it would have made me feel a lot more secure and looked after - bloody well done.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 27/04/2011 22:04

Thanks all... DP has been very greteful I have to say. He said some very nice things about my step-parenting that I hadn't heard before.

OP posts:
LoveLeonardCohen · 27/04/2011 23:06

YANBU to get involved. I can't believe the mum thinks that this is ok - even if they are not going to meet. That's not the point - the point is the emotional and psychological involvement of you DSD with this man already in her head. I remember being that age, and you do have all sorts of intense attachments and feelings towards boys/men.
The fact is your DSD is only 12, she may think she knows everything, but we know what it's like to think you know everything and we look back and know that actually we didn't know anything and were very naieve. To echo all the other posters, why is this man involved with a 12 year old, its so inappropriate.
You are one of the responsible adults in her life and though she may be angry with yo now, it's one our jobs to do unpopular things. You are not her friend but her step-parent. I say tell her you are going to tell her dad or she can do it herself.

LoveLeonardCohen · 27/04/2011 23:06

Oops sorry just read the posts and you have told DP, that's great

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