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Original poster

To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

187 replies

BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:09

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Conflugenglugen · 26/04/2011 12:22

A "positive" relationship includes confrontation and dealing with things that are going to be uncomfortable and which are going to be rejected by your step daughter. In that way, you are building on what you already have, not destroying it. Your DSD won't see it that way, but that's not important. Sometimes you have to be a parent, or a friend -- both together just won't work.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 12:23

12 or 13 she is still a child.
This is not on, at all, under any circumstances!
wtf is her mother thinking?
Tell her dad, phone the police or report the man using FB to groom underage girls.
She as in your DSD needs to be taught about grooming, and how it happens, what the 'signs' are etc so she can eventually recognise the situations.
She will thankyou when she is older.

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 12:23

14 years when you are 30 and 44 is nothing. Six years between 12 and 18 is vast.

Her number needs to be changed too.

lalabaloo · 26/04/2011 12:23

Her dad definitely needs to know, this sounds like grooming and he probably isn't 18 and he may not really live abroad. I would report it to Facebook and also the police, if he is innocent there is nothing to worry about and if not you will have helped other girls

LovelyDaffs · 26/04/2011 12:23

I have a dd this age, school did a series of assemblies about online safety and she was shown a film that particularly got the message across. Have a look on you tube under 'ceop consequences' it might be worth showing it to her.

SleepEvadesMe · 26/04/2011 12:24

oops that should have read "I would sit down DSD and explain the reasons why it's necessary to tell DP, not that she is in trouble but reiterate the dangers of people not being who they say they are on the internet..."

knittedbreast · 26/04/2011 12:24

BOM, what do you think about my suggestion of getting her to talk to a couple of 18 year old boys? get their perspective of why they wouldnt have a 12yr old girlfriend?

I just think it might mean more coming from guys the same age as this guy of the net, etc

houseworkwhore · 26/04/2011 12:24

wow,

she is 12 for goodness sake, this man is grooming her and it is illegal.

Sod the fact that she is 'trusting you' you have a obligation to protect her and making sure this 'man' doesnt continue this with other girls you MUST report it.

Tell her father. she will more than likely hate you for it but when she is 18 - 23 and more grown up she will understand. this man could be a murderer, a rapist and is most definatlely a peadophile

please please stop it now while you have a chance

GiddyKips · 26/04/2011 12:25

Dear BongonOffs' girl

You are still a girl and everyone on this thread has been 12 just like you have. We have decades more experience and knowledge than you so drop your stroppy defences and listen to us and your StepMum.

You have nothing in common with an 18yr old, a friendship with him cannot work. In actuality he is probably not even 18 but some 40yr old with fake pics and profile.

He doesn't want to be your friend, he doesn't care about you-it's all faked. He is only interested in abusing you in person or getting off on what you say and the pics you have on the internet.

I'm sorry to say but your mother is WRONG WRONG WRONG in this instance. She should be calling the police about this man not letting you carry on.

He is a pedophile-absolutely no doubt about it.

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 12:25

If she is happily giving her phone number out to strangers on the internet, she needs a bloody serious talking to.

kw1986 · 26/04/2011 12:26

I agree with reporting HIM to facebook.

There is just no excuse for getting involved with a 12year old who is basically still a wee girl. He sounds like a sick fuck!!

I would go blabbing straight to her dad. Worst case is she hates you. But we're potentially talking about her safety here, so don't go tip toeing around when she could be being groomed by some pervert.

CareyFakes · 26/04/2011 12:27

She's a kid Squeaky, her mum's her 'mate' not her 'mum' by all accounts, her giving out her number is a reflection on her mother, not her.

Good luck OP

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:27

knitted I'm sorry, that was great advice but trying to keep up with hal lthe posts.

I don't know any unfortunately but I will think of a way around it as a good idea. I wonder about getting some of her friends older brothers to talk to her.. they are more 15-16 but could help.

ooh just thought of a 17 year old uncle, DP's half brother. She'd be mortified if I told him though.. maybe once DP and I put a stop to it all I could get him on-side.
lovelydaffs will also check out the CEOPS video.

OP posts:
GiddyKips · 26/04/2011 12:28

Oh sorry OP, I thought I read that the girls Mum knew about it-but you don't know for sure whether she does or not. I think you should double check that mum knows regardless of whether you get on with her (the mum) or not and certainly tell her father straight away

MrsKwazii · 26/04/2011 12:29

What your DSD wants needs to be overridden here by what needs to be done. If you haven't already, go to the Child Exploitation and Online Protection website here for information and advice for you, your partner and your DSD www.ceop.police.uk/ You need to report this asap. She needs protecting and this man - because I bet he's not 18 - needs to be checked out. Good luck

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:30

Her mum definely knows as I overheard half of a conversation last week that made no sense but absolutely does now and fits in with her knowing.

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 26/04/2011 12:31

It's not on. I grown man having an internet only friendship with a 12 year old girl? I don't think so.

You need to tell her Dad. Sense it might be difficult and involve a family blow up but that's better than her being put at risk.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:31

she said they 'met' a couple of years ago when he was 15 and she was 8 on another website I think a bit like 'clubpenguin' (which my 5 year old uses) but different.. .'maple'...something.

They looked eachother up recently.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 12:33

Has she told this man where she lives? Has no one taught her the do's and don'ts of the internet at all?

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 12:34

That i bet, is a lie.

Lawm01 · 26/04/2011 12:34

I wonder whether your DSD is feel'ing uncomfortable with this friendship and that is why she confided in you. She obviously knows it's not 'right', hence her plea for you not to tell her dad.
Is this her way of asking you to help her deal with it?
You have to tell her father, then she needs to come off facebook and change her mobile no.
And her mother needs to be tackled about a more suitable balance in their relationship - having such grey boundaries has left her in the position of 'having to' allow this facebook relationship, so as not to jeapordise her 'friendship' with her daughter.

The person who has to take responsibilty for sorting this out is her father, so you must tell him.
She and he are lucky to have you. If this causes a family row, then so be it. In time, she will thank you for caring so deeply for her.

sausagesandmarmelade · 26/04/2011 12:36

Always find it a bit strange people describe their mother as being their best friend..and I agree mothers should be mothers...not best friends. Children should make friends with their peers...

Anyway....this all sounds very strange and I would be VERY concerned about any child of mine (aged 12) forming an emotional relationship with anyone over the age of 18. How do we know that is this person's real age...and how do we know he's ok!

Does sound like grooming and the father should be made aware...

If all else...and if the girl is reading these comments I would point out that the guy could be convicted (if this relationship develops any further) and he could go to prison. Does she want that for him?

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:36

Her dad went through it with her in great detail when she was about 10 and got her to do some online safety course so it's not like she hasn't had the information. They learn about it at school too.

I think it's one of those 'it wouldn't happen to me' things.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 26/04/2011 12:37

Couldn't help remembering the young girl who was murdered by a much older man (pretending to be a guy of much younger) when she met up with him on her own....after having communicated with him through the dreaded facebook.

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 12:38

Its fine to be best friends with your mother when you are an adult, just not when you are a child.

Carey, I agree it is a reflection on the mother, but a 12yr old should be clued up enough not to give her mobile number out to strangers, and does need to be lectured about it.