Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

187 replies

BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:09

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
femalevictormeldrew · 26/04/2011 13:20

Just to make clear I meant The harm in showing her the thread, not in wanting this 18 year old.

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 13:20

Sometimes when you receive a text from abroad it costs too. Worth checking out.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 13:20

Are you sure fabby? I thought it was only when your mobile is the one that is abroad (IE from the country you got it from) that it costs more. I don't know.

Why would he lie about being abroad though?

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:21

Hmm, I think I agree. Re the thread that is.

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:21

So he seems less of a threat to her parents or friends? Or to her. He could be luring her in making her think he is at a safe distance, then tell her he's visiting...

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 13:22

If he is a perv he would say he is far away to make the child feel safer.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 26/04/2011 13:27

How awful for you to have to deal with this. her mum needs a serious wake up call before it's too late!!
www.ceop.police.uk/
I would report him through CEOPS. They will investigate and hopefully take action. I would hope that this will all be resolved from that end, but you do need to talk to her dad. Let him know that CEOPS are involved and not to be too hard with her, she need talking to about online safety etc though.

defineme · 26/04/2011 13:33

I'm not sure if FriedEggandslippy is the best person to give advice on this thread. I'm 36 and if I started going out with my 16yrold neighbour or one of my 16 year old students, I'm sure you'd all be questioning that decision and then some. Sorry to flame you, but many people would agree with your dh's friends.

Tell dd's dad and show her that film.

Good luck.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 13:41

"I'm not sure if FriedEggandslippy is the best person to give advice on this thread."

I haven't actually given any advice defineme, but thanks for that. :(

I don't see why my having an older husband precludes me from having a valid opinion. I agree with OP's concerns and the advice others have given.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:41

I thought the same defineme but if he's still around now so much later on then I guess it was friedegg he liked and not the fact she wa so young...?

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:41

was so young

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:43

When I was 12 my dp was 26... as DSD has pointed out Sad But obviously now we are 30's and 40's it isnt the same.

I need to make her see it is different when she is under age of consent.

OP posts:
QuintEggSentialPaints · 26/04/2011 13:46

Will his phone number not include an area code? This should show where he actually is. Ie what country. What language is his profile in? What nationality are the other kids on his friends list? What language is spoken on his wall, etc?

Most likely he is a local man, who lives within easy travel distance. He could even be monitoring her from a far, at her school, etc. And SHE wont recognize him, because she does not know what he really looks like.

QuintEggSentialPaints · 26/04/2011 13:47

I should add, it IS a police matter. Whether he is 18 or older.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 13:47

I'm actually quite hurt by that. I could understand if I'd said "hey, it's no big deal, I have an older DH, maybe it's true love" etc but I didn't.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:47

Ok, I have decided not to show her this thread. Too grown up and too much raw advice about her mothers 'parenting'

So... whilst I'm name changed, any thoughts on her mum having left her alone in the house this saturday night until 11pm at which time she sent the boyfriend round to fetch her and take her to the party where he mum was??? Where they stayed until gone half 12?

God knows what she was doing on line at that time of night alone in the house (I know she was on FB as spoke to her on there) but I personally feel that if youre going to let your 12 year old have an online relationship with an adult man, you should at least be in the house at such an hour.. rather than out partying... considering she hadn't had her for 5 days at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:51

Quint there are friends from all countries on his profile, half English (white origin) the others a mix of eastern european and asian names. There are some african origin girls but they have english sounding names.

Most of his wall is in dutch. as are the comments on his photos but there are only about 16 photos of him on his profile and no other information so he could have easily lifted the photos from somewhere else I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:52

No one thinks that fried i've appreciated your advice.

OP posts:
QuintEggSentialPaints · 26/04/2011 13:57

So, he might actually be in the Netherlands, then. Or be dutch and live in England. My facebook is English, and my location says London. Though, I moved to Norway years ago, and have not changed it. So people would still think I live in London, if they did not know any better. I mostly post in English. And my friends are from pretty much everywhere, due to having lived in London and met people from all over the place during uni and work. My PHONE is Norwegian though, so people calling me needs to dial the norwegian country code. I have a t mobile phone I use when in the uk, but I dont want to use it in Norway because I dont want to pay roaming charges. However, my English friends would prefer to call my uk phone, as it means THEY dont have to pay intl calls.

I still think this is a police matter.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:03

Me too. Will tell her later that is what i am going to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:03

Thanks for all that info quint It's scary how hard it is to actual tell what country someone is in nowadays hey?

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/04/2011 14:04

I think you sound like a brilliant SM by the way.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 14:05

Thank you

OP posts:
amberleaf · 26/04/2011 14:06

OP please just contact the police.

Forget about talking to your SD at the mo this needs to go way above what she feels or wants, this is a police matter.

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 14:06

Personally i wouldnt even tell her about reporting it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread