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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

187 replies

BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:09

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 12:38

I am in an age gap relationship. DH is 19 years older than me. Been together 8 years.

But there is a massive difference between a relationship between two consenting adults (or even teens of legal age - I was 15 when I met him but we didn't date until I was 16) and a relationship where one is a CHILD!!!

Shineynewthings · 26/04/2011 12:39

YANBU.

Intervene now.

Diggs · 26/04/2011 12:39

Im speechless that anyone could think this ok .

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 12:40

Eggy Shock sorry but I bet your parents were not happy with that!

kerrymumbles · 26/04/2011 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebestisyettocome · 26/04/2011 12:44

Just thinking about this a bit more.

Imagine if she did come to some harm and you KNEW about the 'relationship' she was having with this man. Everybody, the police, friends, family especially your DH would be furious with you and they'd have every right to be.

All you would have to say in your defence would be that you didn't want to upset your dsd.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:46

God you are right.

Is this good to send to her? I've no speakers to hear it

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/04/2011 12:47

Apologies if this has already been said in the thread but I would assume until proven otherwise that this man is considerably older than 18.
Anyone can set up a Facebook profile and be anyone they like, it's easy to lift photographs of 18 year olds from the internet or from other people's profiles. Your DSD has no proof at all that this man is who he says he is. Or indeed that he is in another country; he could be a 42 year old man living 5 miles down the road.
Thank goodness she has you, her mum needs to mum-up.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 12:48

Sorry was so Shock I forgot to say YANBU of course!

Totally agree about it being inappropriate to be 'best friends' with your DD at this age. A child needs a PARENT FFS.

I am closer to my DSCs' age than my DH's age and so it could be very tempting to just be their best mate instead of an extra parent IYSWIM - especially at the start when I was of course desperate for them to like me.

And they do find me more approachable than their parents as we have more in common. But the two aren't mutually exclusive - they respect me and my rules, and trust me to keep them safe, etc etc. They see me as a third parent.

Sorry for waffle Blush

pineapple70 · 26/04/2011 12:49

I agree w SleepEvadesMe. What's to say he's not someone else - 55yr old perv.

What worries me is that he has lots of other young girls on there. Clearly there's an interest there. How did they even meet on there?

I'd report your concerns to Facebook, or to the police. There are depts that investigate people for grooming.

Her Mum obviously thinks she's beeing modern and in touch with teenagers and social media etc. - not so, she's being very naive.

Children can seem really grown up, they can speak articulately and can be very persuasive, but they are still children, still inexperienced and naive.

Acekicker · 26/04/2011 12:49

You definitely need to dell her father. On child protection courses, they drum into you that you absolutely cannot promise a child that you will keep a secret as that precludes you getting further help if needed. Like you said, involve her by explaining that you think it's best if her dad knows, that way she's more part of the telling him.

On the one hand she sounds 'grown up' in that she's confiding in you (I agree with others, that it may be her way of asking for help if she's now having second thoughts or starting to have concerns). The text messaging has to stop right away - look into getting her number changed/buy a new PAYG SIM and tell her she mustn't give the new number out to people. Also make sure it's not on her FB profile.

Check her FB privacy settings too - how did she 'meet' this guy in the first place. Her settings should be locked to the highest level possible (none of the 'friends of friends' bollocks). I agree that the NSPCC might be a good first step for advice or CEOP (who I have many problems with but in this case they are the right people).

Re the 'age gap' if you need to rebut her comments about age gaps between adults, point out that age gaps are 'different' depending on how old you are. Would she want to spend all her time hanging out with and chatting to eg a 5 or 6 year old - explain that the difference between her and an infant is similar to that between her and this guy perhaps?

You sound like an excellent step-mum. Even if you do have to 'be the bad guy' which I reckon you won't have to, you're doing the right thing. Hopefully the mum will also step up and stop being a friend and start being a mum!

GloriaSmut · 26/04/2011 12:50

"I beleive this man thinks she is 13 as well as that is what her profile says."

Even assuming she's passing for older, why on earth would an 18 year old man be interested in a 13 year old? Other than for all the wrong reasons.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:52

I guess that it just it friedeggy I never wanted to be her parent. More of a fun aunt or big sister type. I would much prefer to just take her shopping, for lunch, cinema etc and gossip with her about boys! Surely that's my job!

I want her to feel she can talk to me about things that she wouldn't necessarily speak to her parents about. For example she was asking me the other day about when i went on the pill and i was honest and said I was 15 but didnt need to be until I was 16. I said if she wanted to do that when she was older she could always come to me and i would give her advice then. I want that for our relationship but to be honest i think it's bizarre that i am more worried about this current situation than her mother!

OP posts:
knittedbreast · 26/04/2011 12:53

if you dont know any 18 yr olds how about going to your local youth centre and explaining to one of the leaders in private whats going on and seeing if they can find any 18 yr olds to talk to her about it from there. it might be even better if its men she dousnt know as she might feel less like they are saying it because you have told them too.
i know i am putting emphasis on this rather than how you deal with the issue and any police, father involvement but i think for the long term future its important for her to really understand and beleive why relationships like this are unhealthy and why normal 18 yr olds she might want to go out with when shes about the same age wont and shouldnt be men who are even talking to girls of her age.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 12:53

squeakytoy - actually once they met my now-DH they were fine with it. They aren't generally liberal hippy people but they are tolerant, and they liked him and could see he was genuine and trustworthy. I have been incredibly lucky that they saw past his age and didn't once try to stop the relationship.

Bizarrely it was DH's so called friends who ditched him when we got together.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:55

knitted that is a good point. Underneath the immediate problem of this particular guy, I am concerned about the need for this attention/relationship.

OP posts:
MintyMoo · 26/04/2011 13:02

I can't help remembering a friend who had a mother who was her 'best mate' - she's gone completely off the rails. Her mother joked she was a lesbian at 15 as she wasn't having sex with boys yet, she used to buy her condoms and encourage her to find a boyfriend so she would be 'normal'. Her mother used to tell me she had to do it as all 'normal' fifteen year olds were having sex and she'd rather it was in her house - her daughter didn't even have a boyfriend and just wanted to be a teenager with the rest of us, swimming, bowling etc. No interest in sex beyond normal curiosity, certainly no desire to start having sex. Her mum said if she tried to stop her child having sex then they'd lose their 'friendship' Hmm She did a whole host of other horrendous things as well, they're now barely speaking to the best of my knowledge and the girl fled home as soon as she reached adulthood and hasn't returned in the years since.

Being friends with your Mum is fine when you're an adult, when you're a child you need a Mum, not an extra friend. Your poor DSD - I think you're going to have to be the Mum figure here if her Mum is adamant about being her 'friend'. You need to tell your DP ASAP, report this creep on facebook and contact CEOP. It might even be worth telling the school a guy has been targetting young girls, he may be grooming your DSD's friends as well and it sounds like the school need to reinforce the message about staying safe online to the children.

femalevictormeldrew · 26/04/2011 13:08

There is something wrong with this man who feels he needs to be in a relationship with a child. Very wrong. And it screams a lot of danger to me. You sound like a very nice, concerned step mother and it is good (and she is lucky) that you have your head screwed on.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:14

What do we think about showing her this thread? Too adult?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 13:16

When she sends him a message it should cost more than a standard text if he is overseas.

So find out how much it costs her to text him. If it is the same as it costs to send to you he isn't where he says he is.

porcamiseria · 26/04/2011 13:18

I would consider going to the police frankly

femalevictormeldrew · 26/04/2011 13:18

Well BOM she wants to be an adult - so I personally don't see the harm (although I haven't read all the replies). The only thing is she probably will think everyone is wrong, and she is right (I was 12 once myself you know!). Also if she sees any replies slating her mother for wanting to be her friend rather than her mother she may not like it, and her mother probably wouldn't either, and it could be opening up a whole can of worms.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 13:18

Really not sure. You risk causing her to rebel and hide it.

May be worth pointing out to her that he's got loads of other young girls on his FB though. He may be making her feel special but I'd bet she's not the only one he's having a 'relationship' with.

knittedbreast · 26/04/2011 13:19

i think she will just feel like she is being ganged up on.

what about talking to her about the story of whitney in eastenders and any siniliarities between what she is experiencing. or maybe have a look at the stories of sme children or under 16s who were groomed to see if she can see any links to what she is experienceing herself?

i think if you get too many proper adults giving the hard line she might run to him because he understands her and how shes feeling and then things might escalate

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 13:19

Fabby you are a genius! I will ask her tonight as part of the chat. I don't know if she is texting him or not, but will find out. Her number was on her FB wall a while back. I didn't think anything of it as I thought she knew all her friends.

OP posts:
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