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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

187 replies

BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 12:09

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TandB · 26/04/2011 15:06

TakeItOnTheChins Tue 26-Apr-11 14:54:00
If the "14 year old" was in fact an undercover police officer, how were they having sex via a webcam? Weren't his helmet and bald patch a giveaway?

Grin

It was one-way. The officer always made an excuse as to why [s]he couldn't join in (broken camera, parents might walk in etc etc). He was the one doing the sexual activity and asking her to talk about how she felt about it and encouraging her to send pictures/videos etc.

TandB · 26/04/2011 15:07

Oops - just saw Amberleaf got there first.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 15:07

shiver. That makes me itch.

OP posts:
QuintEggSentialPaints · 26/04/2011 15:10

I should add, that when my niece was 12, she and her group of friends attracted the attention of dutch male with their bebo pages. He went to the trouble of stalking them at their school, in SPAIN. He managed to work out where they were based, due to them sharing info about football teams they supported, guessed their school, and started hanging outside the school, and following the girls home. He had made contact pretending to be a 14 year old GIRL, posting messages on their walls/chats. It became a police matter and he was arrested.

SueSylvesterforPM · 26/04/2011 15:17

You've had sound advice from here

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 15:18

Goodness I know, I wasn't sure if to post in case people disagreed with me and I'd be confused as whther I was right to be concerned but as ever MN has ben great Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 15:22

Scary stuff quint

OP posts:
FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 15:26

I wouldn't contact him, especially as you are planning to involve the police anyway. I can see two scenarios:

Either
He will immediately leave your DSD alone (great) but continue to groom other children (with less on-the-ball parents) and possibly a lot worse
Or
He will tell your DSD about the message and persuade her to no longer trust you or her parents, and to keep contact with him even more secret than before. He will make it exciting, a secret romance. Possibly he will make her feel guilty for telling of their 'secret love' and she will feel so bad that she's let him down that she will do anything to please him.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 15:27

My thoughts exactly fired I think that DP will want to though! I think it's dad's instinct. Will explain why it is a bad idea though.

OP posts:
firsttimer84 · 26/04/2011 15:39

the man prob knows shes from a broken family and that mum is 'relaxed' (to say the least!) Shes perfect prey for him to be groomed as he'll eventually turn her against everyone she knows, isolating herself so that its only himr shes can turn to. is her dad rational or will he likely shout a lot? shouting with only make her feel like shes juliet in this 'story' and it will become even more romantic for her. I think maybe you need to speak to her again and say its not right and she needs to stop it and then tell her dad and the police if she refuses to stop all contact. (which will need to be checked) bear in mind the man has prob warned her that parents will react like this and they 'just dont understand' i know a lot as my friend works with school kids who have been groomed and eventually led to forced prostitution. (sorry to scare but its a very real issue)

firsttimer84 · 26/04/2011 15:41

sorry x posted with you eggy! great advice!

Acekicker · 26/04/2011 15:55

She has often had to refuse friend requests from strange men who she says's 'eww' and 'perv' about. I think because this guiy is young and attractive and not a bearded old man, she doesnt see the problem.

This would seem to indicate a problem with her online privacy in general. How are these guys knowing to send friend requests? I think ultimately you will need to delete her current FB and when she gets back on FB it needs to be with much tighter privacy, a dedicated gmail address (ie not one that she gives to all her friends etc), not searchable etc. Whatever the outcome of the current situation, she's going to continue to be at risk on line with her current profile/email. Please don't delete her current FB account though (no matter how tempting it may get) as it may be needed for the police I suspect if they get involved.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 16:11

She has high privacy on her profile, only searchable by name so I don't know how they find her. presumably her friends don't have high settings and so they can be found and in turn she can be found from their friend lists? This is why FB shouldnt be available under a certain age.

I would say that FB should have tighter controls but actually it is the parents who should be more responsible and watch what their children are doing. If when my DD goes to her dad's he doesnt make her sit with the scren facing him, I will ban her from having a laptop there.

IMO this comes from DSD being in her room for hours on end alone. It's not right at just turned 12. No wonder she thinks no one understands her.

OP posts:
FriedEggyAndSlippery · 26/04/2011 16:16

What is the rest of her daily life like? School, social life? Is she being bullied, depressed maybe?

LovelyDaffs · 26/04/2011 16:21

Am on a different computer now so can post a link to the you tube film I mentioned before. My dd was particularly surprised because the bloke on it was young and not a dirty old man in a string vest cliche.

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 16:29

She is mega popular at school. Probably the most popular girl in her year (year 7) Incredibly attractive. used to be really in to studying but is pretty much just interested in socilising now!

She isnt as confident as she makes out and has a lot of confusion over the separation of her parents. Her mum has lots of body image problems and relaitionship hassles which she shares with DSD as though she was her best mate. She very much plays second fiddle and DSd has told me many times that she feels unstable about her living arrangements as sometimes there is talk of her moving in with mum's partner, sometimes not, sometimes moving to Australia, sometimes coming to live with us (i.e. if she complains about things at mum's)

Because we have to over egg the discipline a bit form this end there is often tension at home. But nothing too bad..

Definitely not being bullied. But probably feels 'miss-understood' a little more than your average 12 year old.

I know it sounds crap but I think it is quite hard being really popular and attractive when you're that age... (not that I'd know from experience!)

OP posts:
Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 16:30

Thanks lovely daffs, that seems to be the message they need to hear.

OP posts:
amberleaf · 26/04/2011 16:58

She sounds very vulnerable......just the sort of of child that is easy to 'get to'

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 16:59

Wow - yes, watched it as I now have sound. Very relevent.

OP posts:
L8rAllig8r · 26/04/2011 17:21

I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been said before, but how do you know he is definitely abroad? Anyone could easily fake the details required for a facebook account and pretend they lived in any country. This man could easily be in the same country as your DSD.

I would report him to facebook without delay.

tulpe · 26/04/2011 17:27

Great link LovelyDaffs - thanks for posting that.

Think U Know is CEOPs info site for children, parents and teachers.

chocciechip · 26/04/2011 17:44

When I was 12 an 18 year old guy took an interest in me (actually, he was encouraged to by his 16yr old friend and my best mate who were 'dating'). He started phoning me at home, and my dad twigged what was going on because I was so embarressed by it all I'd hide around the corner trying to talk to him quietly. Dad one day walked into the room while I was on the phone to him and said VERY loudly and scarily firmly, "Choccie, you tell that man to stop phoning you immediately or I will". So I just said - in front of my dad who would not leave the room - "My dad says you have to stop phoning". He said "OK" (he'd heard my dad himself so I don't think was going to argue the point!) and that was it. I was not angry with my dad at all. I was hugely embarressed about it all but soooooo relieved to be out of a situation I really did not know how to deal with.

OP - Why did your SD ask you when you went on the pill, and how recently - any correlation with this nonsense going on now? The hairs on the back of my neck stood up at that.

The thing is, even if he is an immature nerdy geeky 18 year old (as the guy who was phoning me was), he's got to know that he cannot have an adult relationship with a 12 year old - that its illegal. And the fact that he's taking risks by initiating this with her - I mean risking others thinking badly of him, sneering at him etc - speaks volumes to me. I agree with everyone on here: there is something very fishy going on.

I think - hope - your SD will be OK because you have cottoned on fast and can protect her, but please encourage your DH to take a measured considered approach to this for the sake of all the other kids this man is grooming. He's got to be stopped and caught rather than alerted and go into stealth mode. If it turns out he has serious bad judgement and is just downright weird but doesn't mean any real harm - well - at the very least he needs a sharp wake-up call from the police that he's on thin ice.

femalevictormeldrew · 26/04/2011 17:59

I think this is the first thread I have read in AIBU that pretty much everyone has been in agreement on!

Original poster
BOMgoneoff · 26/04/2011 20:56

OK - spoke to DP, he wanted to kill him. Spoke to DSD and we looked at that link together. Told her my feelings and she agreed. We went online and 'blocked' the guy completely. I have reported him but she doesnt know that.

She asked if we could not tell DP as she was embarrassed so I said ok. Which I feel a bit bad for but no need for her to feel more embarrassed than she is.

She seemed really relived and gave me a hug. She has been noticably more relaxed tonigh than usual Grin

She spoke to her mum who said she agreed with me Confused and that she just didnt want to upset DSD by telling her it was wrong when she seemed so happy (did she seem happy?)

Thanks soooo much for all the advice. I am more greteful than you could all know.

Phew.

OP posts:
Conflugenglugen · 26/04/2011 21:06

I'm so glad for you all that it worked out the way that it did BOM!