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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has asked me not to fart in bed!

229 replies

krisskross · 26/01/2011 21:35

just bought a new bed, he thinks we will sully it with farts! i think he is being stupid and i cannot stop what has to come out.

we agreed to let MN decide.

OP posts:
TheEvilDead2 · 27/01/2011 05:32

how rank are your farts they can ruin a bed??? Shock if they are that bad you really shouldn't be doing them near people!

GotArt · 27/01/2011 05:55

lol

mylifewithstrangers · 27/01/2011 11:00

GotFarts, my DD did that too. When she was about 2 she was asleep in our bed, lying on front bum in the air, as they do. She lets out an impressive stream of popping, then all is quiet for a second then a little voice pipes up "Daddy farty bum". I nearly died from trying not to laugh, she went straight back to sleep bless her. She got full marks for the diversion of blame (and to be fair it is usually DP)

These days if anyone farts it gets blamed on the elephant. There's always an elephant in the room Grin

Oh and my final fart tidbit is that DPs family call farting 'squashing frogs'. His Mum must have exterminated a whole army of the noisy critters by now - she is world reknowned for farting as she walks along.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/01/2011 11:10

A fart is but a simple thing,
it puts the stomach at ease.
It warms the bed on cold winter nights
and suffocates all the fleas!

Tanso · 27/01/2011 11:25

what about long haul flight farting?

KnittedBreast · 27/01/2011 11:26

you fluff in front of him? i would die. yabu he is not !

ENormaSnob · 27/01/2011 11:27

Just follow through all over his leg.

That'll teach him for being uptight over farting.

ENormaSnob · 27/01/2011 11:29

Knitted, you are unreasonable for using the word fluff.

piprabbit · 27/01/2011 11:36

Once I watched a TV programme (possibly Eurotrash) in which a man had fashioned a strange device from balloons and tubing and suchlike in order to be able to catch and measure his own farts. I have no idea why he would want to catch and measure his farts, but it takes all sorts [shrug emoticon].

DH does very many huge and stinky farts. I often complain. The worst is when I am reading in bed, and then put out the light and rollover - only to find that the slight lifting of the duvet releases vast quantities of pent-up fart gas. I am trying to train him to fart out the side, just to reduce the impact.

rodformyownback · 27/01/2011 11:37

Marvellous definition of a dutch oven on wiki. He is being totally unreasonable. It's just unrealistic to ban farting in bed. We just have a "hold your leg up after so the fart exits at the bottom of the bed" rule. A fine compromise imo.

To be fair to the "farting ruins the mystery in a relationship and is deeply unsexy" lobby, they do have a point. Me and DH hardly seem to fancy each other at all these days BlushSad

KnittedBreast · 27/01/2011 11:39

i cant use the fa** word. It can only ever be a fluff in our house

rodformyownback · 27/01/2011 11:44

Isn't fluffing what porn stars have done before a shoot to get them in the mood?

My mother was prudish about farts. We had to call them "windies". Bless.

Catsmamma · 27/01/2011 11:48

I have perfected a fart waft in bed...you have to gently lift your foot to raise the duvet before you fart let the duvet fall as you fart and the smell is wafted directly up dh's nose!

rodformyownback · 27/01/2011 12:13

wow like a kind of fart chimney! awesome.

bupcakesandcunting · 27/01/2011 12:35

DH and I have not trumped in front of each other in the nine years we've been together.

Until Monday night.

I've been on this Chinese weightloss tea and it causes some, erm, enthusiastic bowel activity. I let one out that sounded like a bear barking into a bin. There is no way he didn't hear it :( and the smell! It was like lying in a skip full of rotting veg'.

Gutted.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/01/2011 12:43

I am in awe of all of you non-farters. If I relax, I fart. Going to sleep is musical Grin

Catsmamma · 27/01/2011 12:47

oooh bupcakes...be proud!!

I was woken up one night by a similar stench and was appalled and choking a bit from the noxious smell...I was just about to kick dh, then I realised it was mine

I think I heard it echoing.

BeerTricksPotter · 27/01/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/01/2011 12:54

Does he have a bum hole Beer? I'm quite concerned that a lot of you are/are married to cyborgs.

piprabbit · 27/01/2011 12:55

bupcakes - here's a recipe which will even things up between you:

Take one DH. Add a hot curry (ideally with a seasoning of tarka dal) and many pints of dark real ale.

Don gas mask and stand well back.

BeerTricksPotter · 27/01/2011 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/01/2011 12:59

Oh yes. Comedy farting is a vital small person skill. It would be negligent not to teach them to find farting hilarious.

piprabbit · 27/01/2011 13:01

I didn't realise that comedy farting was a taught skill - I always assumed it was innate. I imagine that the cavemen sat around the fire during the long dark day of winter, farting at each other and trying to light them with their newly discovered 'fire'.

Asteria · 27/01/2011 13:02

My ex was a fart Nazi. He could trumpet to his hearts content - and regularly did - whereas I was forbidden on the grounds that he found it most unattractive and wouldn't be able to shag me after hearing me fart. I held farts in around him for the best part of two years and it made me really ill. Once or twice I let out ones that were arserippingly monstrous (generally after he had tootled proudly) and he looked faint - and slightly impressed...

Wear a g-string in bed - it helps muffle the sound!

WestYorkshirePudding · 27/01/2011 13:03

I'm sat at work reading this, snorting into my coffee. How some of you manage I just don't know!

We've done everything in front of one another although OH does sometimes moan when he catches my sorting a tampon out. Well if he bloody well fit a lock on the bathroom door then he wouldn't see! Doesn't embarass me.

The funny thing is I really need to let rip now. Brown noise and all that!