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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"but that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?"

457 replies

EhFattyBumBum · 01/01/2011 14:21

In brief, mine and DPs sex life isnt the best. We have a nearly 2 y/o and having a tough time with his sleeping habits. We both also work f/t and are both often too tired to do anything, but when we do its great. No real complaints so far.

However, I have had thrush for about 3 - 4 days, very sore, very swollen, very itchy and just generally a bit miserable with it but hopefully its going away.

All last night DP is saying/hinting how I should have another drink and get pissed, and another, and "oooh the boy is tired maybe he will sleep for us tonight" to a generally less tactful "is your fanny still itching, maybe we can have an early night?".

I explain that not only am I still resisting the urge not to get a scouring pad, but he can catch it too and just pass it back to me if we did anything and sorry but I just dont think its the best idea.

He whinges that the one time for a little while that we get chance I have an excuse. I agree that yes it is shit that the one time we are BOTH awake I happen to have this.

Then, he says "well that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?". I changed the subject, ignored him and he kept saying it.

We got to bed and more of the same, pawing me, grabbing hold of my hand and asking if that had thrush etc and eventually he tired of it and left me alone.

AIBU to now feel a bit offended by how he spoke to me? I felt like saying to him, yea I'll sort you out, now leave £20 on the nightstand.....

(namechange btw)

OP posts:
dittany · 01/01/2011 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneS · 01/01/2011 23:37

moondog, I asked this before but I do still want to know: would you actually want your DH to help you achieve orgasm if you knew he wasn't feeling turned on by you?

I don't see how that's a feminist issue, either.

kittycat37 · 01/01/2011 23:40

The whole thing is gross.

I find it disturbing - OP describes him basically putting a lot of pressure on her, treating her with a complete lack of respect, belittling the fact that she had an uncomfortable infection and making her feel like it's her 'duty' to service his 'needs'.

And then OP gets told by certain posters that she jolly well ought to have done her duty if she doesn't want DH to have an affair. WTF????

And as Kaloki and others point out, the logical conclusion of this is that the same applies to sex, in other words, the wife is still a husband's property.

FFS this is 2011. Get a grip people. Anyone putting up with this shit in their relationship, you don't have to take it. Walk away.

QuickLookBusy · 01/01/2011 23:58

It's the basic lack of any concern/empathy/compassion for his DW which shocks me.

Despite the fact she was "very sore, very swollen, very itchy and miserable" her husband's only concern was for himself.

HerBeatitude · 02/01/2011 00:23

It's not just the DH who lacks empathy and compassion for the OP's situation Hmm. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a quick wank when you don't really feel like it, but you don't mind doing them a favour and you know they do the same for you in the same circumstances. There is something wrong with feelign obliged to sexually service someone when you really don't want to.

No one's saying sex always has to be perfect with petals on the bed and candlelight - but the idea that it should just be a sexual service, when someone has made it really clear that not only are they not in the mood to do their DP a favour, but actually they are feelign really miserable and debilitated and could do with some TLC, is really extraordinary. I think some of you have really low expectations of men's behaviour. Is all the duty to bring "pleasure/happiness/comfort/satsifaction/relief" to people we care about, with women then and none with men? Does the husband in the OP's scenario have no obligation to attend to her comfort/ relief? Is his pleasure/happiness/ comfort/ satisfaction/ relief always to be considered more important than her's?

Seems to me that if some of you believe that, then you need a bloody big dose of feminism. I don't believe for a moment that you would think she would be reasonable if she posted saying that she was pissed off with her DH because he had piles/ thrush/ toothache, was feeling miserable and in pain, and hadn't wanted to go down on her/ bring her off with his hand even though she'd nagged him several times.

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2011 03:04

It is part of being in an adult relationship that sometimes you do things for your partner you would prefer not to but still do it out of love for them

Sorry, but I don't think this should relate to sex/sexual acts at all! Especially when the OPs DP acts as he does.

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2011 03:38

but when there's not been much on offer for a long time then you have to reconsider that position and give a little

No, you have to reconsider why there hasn't been much on offer! Read the OP. The groping, whinging, pawing at her, grabbing hold of her, lewd suggestions, daring to ask if she really had thrush!

I wouldn't want to wank off this charmer, let alone shag him!

No one should have to do anything when they don't feel like it. She isn't feeling well, she has thrush, he has no respect for that at all! He needs to grow up & realise that he is in an adult relationship & respect it when his wife says 'not tonight' and be a grown up & sort it himself.

Btw, I don't get this 'gagging for it' notion. It is a childish term that I am sure I stopped using in my teens. No one is ever gagging for sex!

conniedescending · 02/01/2011 08:49

I gave my DH a blow job about 45 mins after giving birth to our first child.

Thrush wouldn't prevent me from tossing him off.

The OP should ask herself why her OH is behaving like he did? perhaps she should have picked up on the cues and offered before he got into that state.

I have seen plenty of posts from women on MN who's partners have gone off sex and it really works both ways. This can cause huge problems in a relationship.

Quite frankly I am amazed at the number of women who are repulsed at the thought of doing a quick hand job. Seems a bit repressed to me.

Feenie · 02/01/2011 08:54

Ewwwww. Why, though? Didn't you have anything else to talk about, like a momentous life changing event or something?

Not judging you - just really, really don't get that.

Normynamey · 02/01/2011 08:58

Good job he only asked for a wank, imagine if he'd asked for a cup of tea. Misogynist.

Original poster
EhFattyBumBum · 02/01/2011 09:08

hi again.

Thanks for the responses, especially the ones who seemed to understand. I didnt want to give him a quick wank because frankly he pissed me off with the really seductive question of is my fanny still itching and mauling me. I used to get thrush alot in my younger years and have never had it this bad or painful before.

Also for the record if he ever did leave me or have an affair due to a lack of action then I'd hold the door open for him on his way out - if all it takes to turn his eye is the promise of a quick wank then he can fuck right off and as someone else said, fuck off some more when he gets there.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 02/01/2011 09:24

I gave my DH a blow job about 45 mins after giving birth to our first child Hmm

StuffingGoldBrass · 02/01/2011 09:27

FBB, what are this man's good qualities? He sounds completely vile, which makes me think that maybe you should start the new year in still by getting rid: who wants to live with a whining, ill-mannered sex pest?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/01/2011 09:28

Kittycat37

''moondog - eh?????

What are you on about dear?

Keep taking the tablets.''

?? what does this mean? If you don't understand what is being said, then surely you ask for explanation, not impute illness?

northernrock · 02/01/2011 09:28

"I gave my DH a blow job about 45 mins after giving birth to our first child."

?????!!!!!!

Does anyone believe that??

Been reading this thread with interest.

Sex is sex. Wanking is wanking, and it seems to me that men(and clearly some women) often confuse the two. The function of sex is not to just "get off".
That doesn't mean you can't decide to pleasure your partner without expecting the exact same thing in return.Of course you can, and that can be a beautiful thing.

It does mean that you have to be in the mood.

Being nagged is not a turn on.
A man pointing proudly at his erection like a little boy and expecting you to faint with desire is not sexy.
Grabbing your hand to put it on said erection and being asked to "sort him out"

I am not shocked (been there, done that)Just glad he is not my husband. (Sorry OP!)

Oh, and get some heavy duty canesten. And shedloads of live yogurt.

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2011 09:30

offered before he got into that state

I am no repulsed by hand jobs, nor blow jobs. Dh would agree that he gets his fair share....but that isn't the issue here.

OP didn't want to do it and OP wasn't feeling well Can you read that? Because that is all that actually matters here. Not how much he was getting previously, or how little he has been getting. If the OP didn't have thrush she would still have every right to say no because it is her body & for her to decide to what she does with it.

I suffer with thrush, and tbh, there is no way I want to engage in sexual contact with dh when I want to do is scratch myself sore (not that I do).

Thrush doesn't make you feel very sexy.
Being pestered for sex doesn't make you feel sexy.
Being groped doesn't make you feel sexy.
Being asked is your fanny still itching, maybe we can have an early night doesn't make you feel sexy!

Foreplay starts with the mind, not with a quick sneer about 'sex later'. And if you can't see that the OP needs more than some sneery little comment, you have problems!

swallowedAfly · 02/01/2011 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

conniedescending · 02/01/2011 09:47

it was a bit of an I am woman hear me roar moment

blueshoes · 02/01/2011 09:50

connie, I'm not worthy and

ISNT · 02/01/2011 09:54

So you wanted to do it then.

Which is completely different to the OP who didn't want to.

Out of interest, at what stage of a relationship should a female start agreeing to all sexual demands her partner makes. Does it only happen in marriage, or long term relationships, or should it be between boyfriend and girlfriend? Is there an age limit - do you think teenagers should take this approach?

If not, at what age/stage should women stop following the idea that no means no and they should be treated with respect and not do anything they don't want to, and start doing everything they are asked?

conniedescending · 02/01/2011 10:02

yes - he's my husband, I love him, I am not repulsed by him, I care about him, I want to make him happy, I respect him, and he does the same in return.....therefore sexual acts are not an issue

the bloke in question is the OPs partner - they have a child together, and live together. This was not some random stranger in a pub asking for a hand job. OP is your OH a filthy sex pest? If so then leave him!

northernrock · 02/01/2011 10:23

Ok, if the " blow job 45 mins after I gave birth" thing is true (and I am not exactly convinced) then I think it's fucked up too.

When I gave birth I did have a rush of affection for my baby's dad (we had already broken up at this point) but any kind of sex act was the last thing on my mind.

I was too busy bleeding and cooing over my beautiful baby, learning how to BF, trying to get the baby dressed etc.

If giving your partner/husband a blow job comes first, before any consideration of your own healing, facing the wonderment of new life, learning how to do all the things you need to do, and just basically taking in the fact you are now a mum, then I think there is something wrong with you.

I mean seriously, everybody think about the first 45 mins after giving birth, and then tell me if playing the pink (or brown) oboe was the first thing that sprang to your mind.

Jesus.

QuickLookBusy · 02/01/2011 10:31

Connie "I care about him, I want to make him happy, I respect him"

Good for you. In the OP's situation if the feeling was mutual her husband wouldn't ask for a wank because she was ill and in pain. Don't you understand that?

Its that simple, your DW is ill and in pain, if there was any respect or willingness to make her happy you would not ask for a blow job.

BrianAndHisBalls · 02/01/2011 10:39

you gave you husband a bj 45 mins after giving birth??????? Shock

Where was your newborn baby during this? Sorry, but if this is true then you are mad have very different priorities to mine.

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/01/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.