"but that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?"

[EhFattyBumBum]

In brief, mine and DPs sex life isnt the best. We have a nearly 2 y/o and having a tough time with his sleeping habits. We both also work f/t and are both often too tired to do anything, but when we do its great. No real complaints so far.

However, I have had thrush for about 3 - 4 days, very sore, very swollen, very itchy and just generally a bit miserable with it but hopefully its going away.

All last night DP is saying/hinting how I should have another drink and get pissed, and another, and "oooh the boy is tired maybe he will sleep for us tonight" to a generally less tactful "is your fanny still itching, maybe we can have an early night?".

I explain that not only am I still resisting the urge not to get a scouring pad, but he can catch it too and just pass it back to me if we did anything and sorry but I just dont think its the best idea.

He whinges that the one time for a little while that we get chance I have an excuse. I agree that yes it is shit that the one time we are BOTH awake I happen to have this.

Then, he says "well that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?". I changed the subject, ignored him and he kept saying it.

We got to bed and more of the same, pawing me, grabbing hold of my hand and asking if that had thrush etc and eventually he tired of it and left me alone.

AIBU to now feel a bit offended by how he spoke to me? I felt like saying to him, yea I'll sort you out, now leave £20 on the nightstand.....

(namechange btw)

Because K12, if a bloke simply wants an orgasm, he's prefectly capable of doing that himself - sex is a shared pleasure, or it should be.
It's a different matter if a woman offers to give her man an orgasm because a. it's her idea and b. it gives her pleasure too btw.

Any decent man would never act that way in the first place, I can't imagine anything more offputting than to be made to feel like a man's masturbatory aid, with no consideration given to the fact that sexual arousal would just cause more pain/itching etc..

YABU to not tell him to f the f off, and then to f off some more.

you lot really are a load of judgemental witches

I could try to put the moment into context as it were but I'm not inclined to. The fact it occurred at all does not detract from how amazed and in love we were with our new baby. As it happens, the birth was easy and quick so I wasn't in pain or tired. After my 3rd I went home and cooked a sunday dinner for the family plus visitors.......I guess i have loads of energy!

8 years later we are still in love, have a fantastic relationship and I don't need to post on internet forums about what an arse my dh is

UTR - no, he was trying to get me pissed because he thought it would take my mind off having thrush

or should I just respond with a

Pink4 - your post made me smile - thats the sort of thing DP would say to me aswell. To be fair he would be right - I look like a bag of arse without my makeup on!

Okay I've read through most of this thread and I have to say that I do think that OP's husband was being a jerk. She'd already stated that she wasn't feeling well and that sex was out, unfortunately he decided he didn't need to respect her feelings and kept pushing the issue.

If my DH ever did that I'd be pissed too, luckily my DH is much more considerate of my feelings. I don't mind wanking my husband off if he wants it and I'm in the mood, he'd never think of pressuring me or guilting me into doing it. And I do enjoy doing it for him, I love the fact that I can make him feel good. He'd also do the same for me if I asked him, but I wouldn't press the issue either.

Oh and my husband helps around the house too, not because I tell him he has to, but because he wants to help out and because there are two of us in this relationship.

As for the bj 45 minutes after giving birth, I think she's full of it. Your first priority after giving birth should be your newborn baby, if it's not, then there's something seriously wrong.

Conniedescending: 'I don't need to post on internet forums about what an arse my dh is'.

To be fair though Connie, you just have.

Whether your baby should be the priority or not, I just can't get my head around the logistics of administering a BJ 45 minutes after birth

I am stunned that so many women seem to think of their partners as bestial creatures who must have their sexual needs attended to at all costs, and if you refuse or fail to do so you are in some way failing to demonstrate proper wifely love and attention, and they are apt to run off to the nearest street walker waving a dirty £20 note.

If your husbands really are like that I pity you. My husband wouldn't be asking me for sex of any kind when I was ill and I wouldn't ask him if he was ill either. We have too much genuine love and respect for one another to treat each other as an orifice/instrument for instant on tap sexual gratification.

Connie I really hope you were at home when this imaginary BJ was going on. When my mother was doing the midwifery part of her nursing training a couple were found having sex behind the curtains on the post natal ward and the matron called the police. I don't blame her.

Connie - what you say you did is unusual, people will be shocked. I think that is surely to be expected with what you just posted. But to call everyone a 'load of judgemental witches' is...well, judgemental!

so what if she gives a bj after birth....personally its the last thing id do, but the scorn passed on her! christ, live and let live

OP sorry about thwe thrush, live yoghurt? otherwise wait for canesten to work, I dont think your DP was that wise but hes only human , and a horny one to boot!

georgie thats what i think,since when were mens libido,sexual needs different to womens.
The only difference is the underlying message that "they think with their dicks" or need sex like oxygen that makes some women nervous, that if they dont regularly service them they will cheat and some men feel its their right to go elsewhere if these needs arent being met.
I do aggree that a healthy sex life is a positive thing in a relationship and i find a non needy grown up partner is conjusive to this.

Well, this is a coincidence. DP and I also hadn't managed to have sex for ages (we have teens who never go to bed) and were looking forward to a child-free few days between Christmas and NY. NYE is also our anniversary so it was quite a big deal for us. I also came down with thrush at the most inconvenient time. DP's reaction was nothing like your DP's, OP. I got tea and sympathy, lots of cuddles and some proper old-fashioned romance - lovely days and evenings out with the chance just to talk and hold hands and stuff, without the expectation of sex. The result was that by the time I did feel better, with only a few hours to spare before the DC returned, I couldn't wait to get into his pants and it was bloody brilliant!

Sounds like you've lost all the romance in your relationship. Please tell me his seduction techniques were better than this when you first got together.

I don't think there's anything wrong with occasionally giving sex a go when you only feel half-hearted about it. DP and I sometimes have 'wake me up for the good bits' sex when one of us is really tired and unlikely to finish or be up to much but we both quite like the idea of giving it a go anyway. I would never ever do it if I knew I wasn't into it though, for whatever reason, and I would hate for DP to do it for me if he wasn't in the mood. That would lead to resentment which IME doesn't help a happy sex life. If only one of you is up for it you just have a wank, surely?

Parsnips - thats exactly why I didnt give in - I knew Id resent it as I wasnt up for it.

Your DP treated you how I wanted my DP to react, instead I just felt like it was more of an inconvenience to him than me.

Romance has gone and been replaced with....well I dont know what, nothing bad, but familiarity I guess. But in this case I wasnt up for being seduced, romanced or anything, just wanted him to stop badgering me for sex or whatever when he knew I was feeling pissed off at being 'unwell'

As a side when I was pg he didnt want to do anything, he didnt find me unattractive when I was pg, he just didnt want to have sex with me. I never pushed the issue, even though at times I was horny as hell, because I knew he didnt want to.

I don't think a blowjob after giving birth is that dreadful or shocking TBH (though as someone else said, one rather hopes it was a home birth) - I can sort of envisage it being a rush of adrenaline and affection type of thing in a happy relationship. I can also, of course, envisage it as something that might happen in a seriously dysfunctional relationship, but you could say that about most things.
But FWIW not everyone is lost in a blissful contemplative dream of the newborn straight after giving birth. Some people are still off their nuts on the gas and air, some are consumed with shock and pain if the birth didn't go well, some are ravenously hungry and can think of nothing else, and others may be unable to let go of specific worries. That doesn't mean such people are abnormal or bad, the idea that your whole life becomes joyfully consumed by and utterly secondary to your newborn - and if not, there is something badly wrong with you - is one of the more damaging myths about motherhood.

i was married a long time ago and in the beggining my [then]husband behaved just like the ops dp.....then it got a lot worse!
it took me a long time to realise that this wasnt about sex or him feeling horny-it was actually about him controlling me and owning me.
when he done these things-i felt horrible and bad inside and my self esteem dropped through the floor and he had a knack of making me feel that i was inadaquate.
when i felt like this-it was easier for him to controll and own me.he could do what he liked then.
he really believed that because i was hes wife-he owned me-i was hes property!
he even told me i was "brought and paid for"
[he d paid for the wedding certificate]
he often used to "joke"about these things!
it took me a long time to realise/accept that it was him that was inaduaquate-not me.
people that respect others do not go round pawing at others ect and make them feel bad.
as i said-sometimes its not about sex!

FFS - how did miss the 'BJ 45 mins after giving birth' comment?

I was bleeding heavily, completely in shock and my son was rushed to SCBU. My DH was as white as a sheet and shaking more than me!

I very much doubt he fancied his cock sucked just at that moment, more to be able to hold his first born in his arms.

What a ridiculous thing to post.

I have a feeling OP that your DH fancied his chances to start with and was pissed off, and maybe a little tipsy, so said what he did when he wouldn't have normally, especially when you said no. Hurt pride/rejection and all that.

Doesn't excuse what he said to you or the way he got hold of your hand. Or even the fact that he wasn't at all sympathetic towards you having thrush.

Can I ask OP - do you every say, 'we can't have sex, DS is awake/unsettled'?

Maybe because DS had gone to sleep, he felt you should take advantage of that?

Again, I'm not exscusing the way he treated you. Just thinking outloud I guess.

plenty lovely post-that is exactly how i feel with dh,its the little things that make you want sex not being pressured or groped.Cos im so heavily pg at the mo our "romance" is bed early,watching "the wire" box set holding hands and eating left over xmas chocs.Bliss.Cant wait to jump on him as soon as i can-may wait a bit longer than you tho connie :)

Mouseface - sometimes yes we both say that, if DS is grumbling we know its not worth starting anything we cant finish and will just get narky with DS due to the frustration.

I was asleep after dd1 (GA) & too busy throwing up after the birth of dd2 (section & had a reaction to the painkiller in the spinal). It was so attractive, I am sure dh wouldn't have wanted his knob within miles of my mouth .....but that may have been because his mum was there too!

sgb I think you put that very well. I remember seeing a woman on TV who said that they had sex hours after she gave birth. It was her choice and she was very happy with it.
Personally I wouldn't have chosen to perform any sexual acts 45 minutes after birth but I was happy to put my babies down in their cots whilst I went and had a shower and got dressed. I didn't feel the need to hold them for hours or lie gazing at them and it didn't affect my bond with them in the slightest.

plenty of women get a little psycho whilst ttc and 'demand' sex at certain times of the month.................sometimes for years. I've seen threads on MN about this sort of thing but nobody calls them sex pests.

Equally many indulge in sex to start labour when perhaps they weren't entirely in the mood.

You do all know that sexual intercourse actually creates a baby don't you?

Baffling whilst so many of you think its freaky for a sexual act to occur at the end of the process.

It wasn't planned and neither did my DH make any sort of request. Its just something that happened end of.

sex isnt always on a sheepskin rug in front of a log fire with frank sinattra playing