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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"but that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?"

457 replies

EhFattyBumBum · 01/01/2011 14:21

In brief, mine and DPs sex life isnt the best. We have a nearly 2 y/o and having a tough time with his sleeping habits. We both also work f/t and are both often too tired to do anything, but when we do its great. No real complaints so far.

However, I have had thrush for about 3 - 4 days, very sore, very swollen, very itchy and just generally a bit miserable with it but hopefully its going away.

All last night DP is saying/hinting how I should have another drink and get pissed, and another, and "oooh the boy is tired maybe he will sleep for us tonight" to a generally less tactful "is your fanny still itching, maybe we can have an early night?".

I explain that not only am I still resisting the urge not to get a scouring pad, but he can catch it too and just pass it back to me if we did anything and sorry but I just dont think its the best idea.

He whinges that the one time for a little while that we get chance I have an excuse. I agree that yes it is shit that the one time we are BOTH awake I happen to have this.

Then, he says "well that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?". I changed the subject, ignored him and he kept saying it.

We got to bed and more of the same, pawing me, grabbing hold of my hand and asking if that had thrush etc and eventually he tired of it and left me alone.

AIBU to now feel a bit offended by how he spoke to me? I felt like saying to him, yea I'll sort you out, now leave £20 on the nightstand.....

(namechange btw)

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 02/01/2011 17:55

Blownup

swallowedAfly · 02/01/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kittycat37 · 02/01/2011 17:58

I just asked my Dh what he'd do if I'd asked him if he fancied a BJ 45mins after giving birth.

He said 'I'd be worried you were having a bit of a breakdown'.

Incidently - HOW is it possible?

After birth of both my DDs I was have been holding them/feeding for hours after the births.

Why would it even occur to someone?

amigababy · 02/01/2011 18:01

OP, I don't think DP's really understand what thrush, or indeed cystitis, feel like when it's a full blown attack. No YANBU to feel pissed off at his poor attempts. But I've not forgotten the shock of my own not very experienced DH when I first got cystitis and screamed to be driven to the nearest chemist to get something. I wanted to dip his knob in vinegar so he could get the idea (and for thrush I think Chilli powder would suffice.) many years down the line he's a lot more sensitive esp as he once got cystitis (that showed him Smile )

But you've been together a long time and he should be more aware of these types of infections and how they affect not just the bits but also they give a frantic mental state from pain that isn't conducive to sex for either of you.

Is there any way you can talk to him about this calmly to explain the absolute levels of discomfort involved and how it makes you feel? (for next time though I really hope it doesn't come back)

swallowedAfly · 02/01/2011 18:11

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emkana · 02/01/2011 19:28

The more I think about it the more I think Connor is making it up. It just doesnt make sense. Like you made your excuses, gave the baby to somebody to hold and then disappeared somewhere... While still covered in goo from the birth? Surely you wouldnt even have had time yet for a bath?

emkana · 02/01/2011 19:29

Connie sorry

moondog · 02/01/2011 19:36

Dittany

'I'm still thinking you're projecting there moondog. As it doesn't describe me, the only thing I can conclude is that it's yourself you're talking about.'

Is that the best you can do with your cod psychology? I thoguht you were smarted than that. It's pretty pathetic to counter a criticism with a puerile assertion that the person criticising is in effect describing themselves. Hmm

'Connie just made what she did to her dh our business by boasting about the BJ 45 minutes after giving birth. You didn't have a problem in giving your opinion to EFBB, what's stopping you having an opinion on what Connie said there.'

I didn't voice an opinion initially as I wasn't entered into a discussion with Connie, but if you really are so interested in my opinion of the post natal blowjob then I find it absolutely repellant on all and every level.

dittany · 02/01/2011 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 02/01/2011 19:55

Keep on-you merely reinforce all my perceptions of you.

ManateeEquineOhara · 02/01/2011 20:17

Generous to your partner!!! OMFG Shock why the hell, Connie, are you suggeting the OP should begenerous to this guy who is clearly not giving a toss how she feels.

You had just GIVEN BIRTH and you your (D?)P a BJ... I think that is the time for people to be generous to YOU!? This is so bloody odd! BUT, I suppose if you did that Connie, and you were happy to, that is your business. But I don't think you should suggest that sets a precedent that women need to give their men sexual favours on demand.

pink4ever · 02/01/2011 20:18

I came on here because I had read the original thread and wanted to share something my dh said to me last night with op(but I see yet again the usual suspects are turning it into a bunfightHmm)
Anyhoo back to my post-had bought some sexy gear to try and spice up our sex life. Told dh was going to go put it on last night and he responsed"make sure you put make-up on too!". Any other time I would have been a bit offended but after reading this thread I just had to laugh!.
connie-bj 45 mins after having your 1st dc?-what a pile of shite.

HerBeatitude · 02/01/2011 20:29

"She was feeling slightly under the weather but lots of men are not very good at empathising - you need to be very clear with them."

God what a manhater you must be. What an utterly patronising, insulting view of men that is. They are adults. Some men are not very good at empathising, same as some women aren't. Why on earth are you making men out to be some kind of permanent teenagers, who can't empathise with anyone?

It's not feminists who are manhaters, it's those of you who think men can't be expected to act better than the OP's DH.

And this thing of being nice to your partner - I ask again, why is the DH not expected to be nice to the OP, why is it only a one way street?

Mouseface · 02/01/2011 21:05

SAF - exactly. It is a partnership, a bond, sexual contact/intimacy should be desired by both parties to be fully enjoyed. No means NO.

And when things 'get in the way' (babies, thrush, tiredness etc) it should be understood that just holding each other whilst falling alseep or whatever, is enough of a 'connection' or comfort, surely?

My DH has been amazing in the time that I have been with him. I suffer horrendous periods, we have a SN/LN 20 month old DS, who requires our full attention most of the time, we've moved house, I've had pyshical issues with my hips and pelvis folling his birth and NOT ONCE has he suggested I wank him off because I am in no mood or shape for sex.

You don't have to be married/in love/a serious relationship to have sex, we all know that, but to have respect for another person's body and feelings, should go without saying.

HelenLG · 02/01/2011 21:50

OP have you tried drinking Yakult?

I was once told by my doctor that it helps keep the bacteria in balance. Dunno, it might just be an urban myth.

differentnameforthis · 03/01/2011 00:55

me and my partner have a very equal and caring relationship; he works hard,does as much as me round the house and with the kids and has never looked at another woman

Same here, still don't see why that means anyone should have sex/perform sexual acts against their will!! Or does your dh being a 'good man' mean you have to 'service' him even when you are ill? Because my dh is one of the best & he would never expect anything when I am ill.

Why not just be generous to each other? Its not that difficult

I wonder how it is generous to fulfil sexual needs of a partner, when you feel like shit? I wonder how generous it is to even ask to be 'sorted out' when you know your partner isn't feeling well!

It is also not that difficult to take matters into your own hands. If you need to cum that much, do it yourself!

HerBeatitude · 03/01/2011 01:11

This is what is bugging me.

Twice I've asked now. All those people who are telling the OP to be generous to her DH, don't seem to require the same generosity from the OP's DH.

Re the blow job after 45 mins - my XP and I were busy marvelling at the miracle of this tiny baby's existence. I can't imagine other new parents with a healthy baby, not being totally absorbed by the very fact that the baby is there. The idea of focusing on anything else other than the baby, just doesn't occur to most parents.

StuffingGoldBrass · 03/01/2011 01:14

Oh I don't know HB: I remembe being pretty focussed on the tea and toast around 45 minutes after giving birth...

UnderTheRadar2212 · 03/01/2011 01:18

I'm also not going there on the BJ 45 mins after giving birth subject.

On the OP, well, even if I was 'out of action' the minute he said "oooh the boy is tired maybe he will sleep for us tonight" I'd have got the hint after no closness for a while and got him sorted. He wouldn't have had to hint further really. Mind you, my DH wouldn't have to hint in the first place, kid sleeping or not.

Smile
HerBeatitude · 03/01/2011 01:23

Blimey I don't remember any tea and toast Envy

UnderTheRadar2212 · 03/01/2011 01:27

Neither do I HerBeat..... I got shoved in a room full of new Mums with their babies at their sides in cots, I had no baby at my side. No-one spoke to me at first because they thought I'd lost one, it was all different once I explained he was prem & whipped off into the SBCU.

Never did get any tea & toast!

UnderTheRadar2212 · 03/01/2011 01:29

And another question for the OP is...... your poor DP, does he feel like he needs to get you 'pissed' before he gets any loving?

Is that the only time you feel like it then?

Blimey.................

AnotherMumOnHere · 03/01/2011 04:21

Oh I remember the tea and toast. Mmmmmmmmmm actually I feel like some just now.

Back to topic .......... yes that tea and toast was the first thing on my mind.

OP sorry you are having probs with thrush I know that feeling too. Being diabetic I get bothered with it a lot ........ and an itchy thing is not a nice thing

swallowedAfly · 03/01/2011 07:32

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K12Mom · 03/01/2011 07:43

To be fair, I would probably have given him a hand job. My DH does nice things for me occasionally when he doesn't want to, so why the hell not?

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