Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"but that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?"

457 replies

EhFattyBumBum · 01/01/2011 14:21

In brief, mine and DPs sex life isnt the best. We have a nearly 2 y/o and having a tough time with his sleeping habits. We both also work f/t and are both often too tired to do anything, but when we do its great. No real complaints so far.

However, I have had thrush for about 3 - 4 days, very sore, very swollen, very itchy and just generally a bit miserable with it but hopefully its going away.

All last night DP is saying/hinting how I should have another drink and get pissed, and another, and "oooh the boy is tired maybe he will sleep for us tonight" to a generally less tactful "is your fanny still itching, maybe we can have an early night?".

I explain that not only am I still resisting the urge not to get a scouring pad, but he can catch it too and just pass it back to me if we did anything and sorry but I just dont think its the best idea.

He whinges that the one time for a little while that we get chance I have an excuse. I agree that yes it is shit that the one time we are BOTH awake I happen to have this.

Then, he says "well that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?". I changed the subject, ignored him and he kept saying it.

We got to bed and more of the same, pawing me, grabbing hold of my hand and asking if that had thrush etc and eventually he tired of it and left me alone.

AIBU to now feel a bit offended by how he spoke to me? I felt like saying to him, yea I'll sort you out, now leave £20 on the nightstand.....

(namechange btw)

OP posts:
northernrock · 02/01/2011 15:32

Sorry, that just slipped out.Blush

deemented · 02/01/2011 15:33

EFBB - if it's still not shifting, i'd probably go to the doctors and ask for some more canesten, tbh.

Original poster
EhFattyBumBum · 02/01/2011 15:35

Haha Northern, borrow my DP if you like, apparantly he is going to bugger off with someone else anyway so............

OP posts:
working9while5 · 02/01/2011 15:36

Look, I haven't read this whole thread but had a glance at the tail-end of it and hey, if the OP wants to suck her dh off after birth, that's her business.

I have heard that a lot of women feel sexually charged and want to connect intimately with their partners after birth, but obviously intercourse carries the risk of infection etc. I really don't see what's so sick and self-subjugating about it. It wouldn't have been for me any more than masturbating in labour would have been, but I can conceive of it being a free, liberated choice for a couple. I think it's a bit hypocritical of feminists to assume they can understand the sexual motivation of other men and women because it doesn't fit a particular ideology they subscribe to. Sex is weird at the best of times, a dynamic between two individuals. Perhaps it carries the weight of all male and female history but whether it does or doesn't, doesn't make another's sexual choice easily interpretable.
It's really not for anyone else to tell someone how to analyse and feel about their own sexual experience.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 02/01/2011 15:37

what age is your DH? 14?

jeez. my Ex was like this. one of the reasons he is my Ex.

northernrock · 02/01/2011 15:41

Working, I don't know that anyone who gives a bj right after birth is necessarily subjugated. I do think that their priorities are fucked though.

Eh Fatty, thanks but I think you have put me off somewhat!

Original poster
EhFattyBumBum · 02/01/2011 15:41

arrrgh Working - I am the OP and I certaintly didnt give my DP a BJ 45 mins after giving birth. 45 mins after giving birth I was still waiting to go to theatre to have my 3rd degree tear sorted out and trying to get baby to latch on.

OP posts:
KalokiMallow · 02/01/2011 15:46

working You might actually want to read the thread - that's not the OP you are talking about there.

working9while5 · 02/01/2011 15:52

Lol fatty - apologies. 45 minutes after birth I was still being stitched up too! 45 days later I was still trying to get the bubbins to latch on! Commiserations.

Northernrock, I probably agree.. but I can understand the desire to connect with your partner intimately after birth, even if it was very far from my own mind. The rush of it, the baby somehow still a stranger.. I suppose I view it in a sort of "there are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy" (sic) kind of way? Depends on where the baby was too. In Ireland, they often whip them away to "give you a rest". So you would have all those hormones and I can see how it might occur. On the other hand, a midwife friend met women who were effectively raped in their hospital beds by men shortly after birth..

And it is all a bit icky even if its consensual, yes.

Heathcliffscathy · 02/01/2011 15:52

horrible being pestered. equally nothing wrong with asking. all depends how.

I would tell the dp to sod off if he approached me they way described in OP...I wouldn't ignore it, or react passive aggressively, I would say head-on 'I find that a total turn off, now bugger off'.

I don't really understand the OP's reaction tbh...in effect leaving her partner with no clue that his way of being is massively off-putting or at least leaving him to draw his own conclusions from her stony silence.

he sounds like a twat, and you sound passive aggressive OP. talk to him about it, not us.

MoominmammasHandbag · 02/01/2011 15:53

Hmmm.... Have just read all these posts and am surprised Moondog , Blueshoes and Connie are the only dissenting voices here. I would "sort my partner out" purely because I love him and making him feel happy and loved is very important to me.
And before anyone calls me a fembot, me and my partner have a very equal and caring relationship; he works hard,does as much as me round the house and with the kids and has never looked at another woman.
Lots of people these days seem to have relationships that are a bit confrontational. Why not just be generous to each other? Its not that difficult.

KalokiMallow · 02/01/2011 15:55

"me and my partner have a very equal and caring relationship... "

Yes.. and you would describe the OP's husband in this scenario as "equal and caring", really?

This isn't about occasionally doing things for your partner, this is about your partner trying to force you to do something you do not want to do.

MoominmammasHandbag · 02/01/2011 16:06

He'd had a drink, it was New Years Eve, they've been going through a bit of a dry spell. She was feeling slightly under the weather but lots of men are not very good at empathising - you need to be very clear with them.
He didn't really try to force her did he? He pestered her a bit and asked her if her hand had thrush. I'd have laughed to be honest.

KalokiMallow · 02/01/2011 16:10

Pawing her and grabbing her hand?

working9while5 · 02/01/2011 16:12

How is that forcing her? Isn't that just being really inelegant and crass? Rubbish at negotiating sexual needs? I don't see where there's force?

northernrock · 02/01/2011 16:20

I dont think OP's husband is some kind of monster, and If I were her I wouldn't be traumatised or anything (not saying she is)I would just find that kind of "seduction" technique really tiresome.

Maybe in long relationships people do fall into a kind of rut, where sex kind of becomes a way to relieve a bit of tension or whatever.
His comments and actions were misjudged and immature, not abusive.

MoominmammasHandbag · 02/01/2011 16:30

Have a good chat with your DH OP. Sit down and try and work out some strategies to sort out your son's sleeping problems. Try and plan some more couple time. When you get your sex life back on track this kind of scenario will probably not happen. Don't overanalyse what's happened - work out what you can do to stop it happening again.

conniedescending · 02/01/2011 17:23

the baby was asleep in a different room

and no i am not of the older generation and it really isn't about keeing the man happy like a 1950s housewife.

Moomin phrases it well in saying its about being generous to your partner.

swallowedAfly · 02/01/2011 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

northernrock · 02/01/2011 17:34

OP, on the thrush front, you should prob go see the doctor if it is a recurrent problem. Other things can have very similar symptoms to thrush.

swallowedAfly · 02/01/2011 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

conniedescending · 02/01/2011 17:43

baby wasn't alone

get over yourselves really

emkana · 02/01/2011 17:50

How incredibly sad that you would waste those precious first few hours of your baby's life on a blow job Shock

kittycat37 · 02/01/2011 17:54

What swallowedAfly said.

fucked up.

Malificence · 02/01/2011 17:55

This is the most bizarre (and disturbing) part of a thread I've ever seen, even if a woman felt like giving a blow job after giving birth, what sort of man would take her up on it, seriously? It's actually made me feel a little bit sick.