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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"but that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?"

457 replies

EhFattyBumBum · 01/01/2011 14:21

In brief, mine and DPs sex life isnt the best. We have a nearly 2 y/o and having a tough time with his sleeping habits. We both also work f/t and are both often too tired to do anything, but when we do its great. No real complaints so far.

However, I have had thrush for about 3 - 4 days, very sore, very swollen, very itchy and just generally a bit miserable with it but hopefully its going away.

All last night DP is saying/hinting how I should have another drink and get pissed, and another, and "oooh the boy is tired maybe he will sleep for us tonight" to a generally less tactful "is your fanny still itching, maybe we can have an early night?".

I explain that not only am I still resisting the urge not to get a scouring pad, but he can catch it too and just pass it back to me if we did anything and sorry but I just dont think its the best idea.

He whinges that the one time for a little while that we get chance I have an excuse. I agree that yes it is shit that the one time we are BOTH awake I happen to have this.

Then, he says "well that doesnt stop you sorting me out does it?". I changed the subject, ignored him and he kept saying it.

We got to bed and more of the same, pawing me, grabbing hold of my hand and asking if that had thrush etc and eventually he tired of it and left me alone.

AIBU to now feel a bit offended by how he spoke to me? I felt like saying to him, yea I'll sort you out, now leave £20 on the nightstand.....

(namechange btw)

OP posts:
dittany · 02/01/2011 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 02/01/2011 12:51

Oh my amused posturing wasn't false but it was tempered by sadness at your sour view of the world.
How miserable life must be for you!

What Connie does to her own dh is her business.
I don't consider MN to be a platform for discussion of my own sexual habits.

dittany · 02/01/2011 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmehalia · 02/01/2011 12:58

There really are a lot of men haters on MN. I wish it wasn't so.

Yep, the seduction technique is wanting. And I hate the 'having to get pissed to get in the mood' thing, too. In the long term, it's not particularly flattering for you.

But people can get out of the habit of bothering to seduce their partners. And therefore become very clumsy. Partnership is not an automatic right to sex. The overfamiliarity in a long-term relationship can be funny at first, but on a bad day it can be very upsetting. Having small children robs you of huge amounts of energy and time (not a bad investment, but hard on your adult relationship, IYSWIM).

It's great to vent on MN. But seriously, you're going to have to explain to him about what you want - treating you with respect and really remembering that you're starting a new kind of sex life after you have kids. It's a 'start again' thing. And that means looking at your partner with new eyes, new respect and a new approach. On limited resources.

He is trying to express his needs, albeit in a very clumsy, one-way-traffic kind of way. He probably misses intimacy with you, many people aren't very articulate about it. He is human.

BrianAndHisBalls · 02/01/2011 13:05

i am indeed a laydee (saf you're dead) Grin

asked dp though and he also did a Shock @ a bj 45 mins after giving birth. Why would you even be thinking about sex when you've just had a baby?

And actually I think feminism sees men as normal, complete human beings with free will/choice and brains rather than vile walking cocks who need orgasms every hour (who can't see a woman in a short skirt without having to rape her etc).

deemented · 02/01/2011 13:15

I once shared forum space with a woman who proudly boasted that she and her DH had sex within an hour of the birth of their baby - wasn't you, Connie, was it?

Did you not have anything better to do, 45 minutes after bringing a new life into this world then filling your gob with your DH's cock? What sort of a man is he that he'd be happy to do that Hmm

AmandaCooper · 02/01/2011 13:19

Well I'm supposed to be getting over to my MIL's and then to pick up some stuff for my mum's retirement party, but this thread has put me into a semi state of shock.

I keep reading it, and then putting the laptop down and sitting thinking about it for a bit and then picking it up again and reading it again (to check that it is real I think) and then back to the sitting in shock again.

Those who are championing the "give him a blowjob even if you don't want to" approach, doesn't it make you feel even slightly uncomfortable to hear that a load of perfectly normal random strangers are horrified by the idea of doing these "little chores" and by your comparison of sex with washing up or pairing socks??? Shock

victoriascrumptious · 02/01/2011 13:32

"I gave my dh a blowjob 45 mins after giving birth".

Did you write that into your birthplan? Before or after vitamin K?

ManateeEquineOhara · 02/01/2011 13:47

45 minutes? Surely the midwives were still around?

To the OP - your H is an insensitive moron.

AmandaCooper · 02/01/2011 13:57

OP how's the rest of your relationship? Could it be that your DH is acting up because he feels a bit insecure at the moment? It doesn't sound like you are able to find much quality time for one other, which must be difficult.

conniedescending · 02/01/2011 14:00

it wasn't planned no and we didn't have sex either

I did feel a rush of affection for him after giving birth and was full of adrenaline and that's how it manifested.

dittany · 02/01/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmandaCooper · 02/01/2011 14:03

A rush of affection? It's a funny way to show affection if you ask me. This simply has to be a windup.

swallowedAfly · 02/01/2011 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AmandaCooper · 02/01/2011 14:10

I am sure the baby was just relieved that mum was putting out so that dad didn't leave.

dittany · 02/01/2011 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DelphiSwimsLate · 02/01/2011 14:28

Connie, I'm not sure why you have disclosed your Blow Job tale on this thread. At first it seemed to be to convey to the OP "if I can give a BJ 45 mins after giving birth, then you can give a handjob when you have thrush" - which would imply that you weren't wholly up for it, but you did it for him as a favour. Now you're saying that you did it out of affection and adrenaline which indicates that you were wholly up for it and probably even initiated it.

The circumstances you now describe under which you performed this act (ie rush of affection, adrenaline) are very different to those that the OP described in her OP. You performed this act out of willingness and affection for your DP. Both of these things were missing from the OPs situation because she was ill and because her husband began to pester her.

So my question to you is why have you mentioned this event on this thread?

blueshoes · 02/01/2011 14:52

missmehalia, what a great post.

You got the point that others too busy frothing at the mouth missed.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/01/2011 14:59

My intuition is that Connie sees it as part & parcel of putting your man's needs before your own (and your baby's) - indeed, as a shining example of same. I imagine Connie could persuade herself she felt a rush of love for poor DH when she had thrush/flu/cancer and he 'needed' a hand job.

I'm projecting. I had a near-death escape following surgery once. My H was by my bedside only because he'd been bullied into leaving an important meeting a few minutes early. As I resurfaced into life, the first thing I said was "How did the presentation go?" I had been so thoroughly indoctrinated that his concerns were all that mattered, they even came before my own life :(

Original poster
EhFattyBumBum · 02/01/2011 15:14

Amanda and others asking - the rest of our relationship is fine, have a bit of trouble finding time together but thats life with a LO. As I have said before our sex life aint that great, we've been together 10 years so we are not doing it every night but we dont complain, or should I say usually no complaints. Its just this time it has been a bit longer than usual due to one thing or another.

He also thought that the fact it was NYE meant we had to do something. Truth was I just so fed up of 4 days of itching agony that it was the last thing on my mind.

Thats not to say I would service him even if I was well. I'm not that scared of losing him that I feel I HAVE to keep him happy with token wanks.

Connie - my Mum has often told me that "in her day" (and my Grans day) women were expected to do their duty, are you by any chance of the older generation so perhaps your views are a bit skewed?

BTW BJ 45 mins after childbirth - was that supposed to make me, or anyone, feel admiration for you or something? Hmm

OP posts:
KalokiMallow · 02/01/2011 15:20

I just love the fact that blueshoes is talking about people missing the point. Grin

Ah yes, missing the point like say.. the OP didn't want to take part in this sexual act, told her partner and he still tried to force her hand (no pun intended)?

Also I note that none of the "you should have sorted him out" lot have bothered to answer where they think the line should be drawn in the OP's "duty"? How much should the DH be able to demand?

Can't remember who it was that said that the OP's thrush wasn't the DH's problem, but for them a question. Would it still not have been his problem if he'd wanted intercourse? After all it wouldn't be painful for him..

crystalglasses · 02/01/2011 15:24

imo the phrase 'sorting me out' makes me heave - but I notice it's commonly used by mumsnetters

Original poster
EhFattyBumBum · 02/01/2011 15:29

Kaloki - he did actually want to still do it for a moment. He asked if he could catch it and how itchy would it be for him. I thought he was joking.
It was only when I said Id probably be sore that he stopped going on about it, but then went on to the wank thing instead....

I didnt wank him as it just made me feel like a cheap little tart tbh (no offense to those that would btw)

On anothe rnote - people I still have it, have used the cream, pessary and took the capsule day before yesterday and it hasnt gone. trying the yoghurt thing out today. Is thhere anything else?

OP posts:
JaneS · 02/01/2011 15:29

Well, since I have no children I've no idea how I'd feel about a post-partum blowjob, but if it floats your boat to tell -random strangers on the net about it--, fine.

What I do not understand is this. How come it is 'miserable' or 'man-hating' for women to want to enjoy sex?

In what possible universe is it 'joyful' (as opposed to 'joyless') to not enjoy sex?

Confused

I can't imagine anything more man-hating than to expect your husband, whom you presumably love, to settle for a half-hearted wank because you're not in the mood and don't expect to be in the mood for a while.

moondog, I can't help feeling that your thorough knowledge of how a woman should behave when she's not turned on by her partner is a bit ... telling?

northernrock · 02/01/2011 15:31

I wish to God someone would sort me out.

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