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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DSD to have an abortion?

1002 replies

TessoftheDamned · 25/10/2010 00:16

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought Hmm was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 25/10/2010 00:21

YANBU....but.....what an awful situation.....who is going to bring this child up?.....i have no answers..

musicmadness · 25/10/2010 00:22

Well you can't force her to do anything against her will. If you don't want another kid then make it clear to her that you will not be taking any parental responsibility for this baby and it will be completely down to her. Its her decision, whatever you think of it.

sallyspookypoisonberry · 25/10/2010 00:24

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BarnacleBill · 25/10/2010 00:24

Yanbu. It's her choice though, as you know.
I would try to make sure she knows that this will be her baby and you will not be acting as its parent under any circumstances. Not that I think it will mae anydifference though, she will be unable to imagine what it will be like when the baby arrives.
Sorry you are going through this.
Has she been to the GP yet?

Jaquelinehyde · 25/10/2010 00:24

She will be terrified and not sure what she wants.

It is excellent that she has trusted you and your DH enough to tell you.

How far along is she roughly?

For the next few days I would just go with the flow, allow her to dictate the conversation and do not ask about the boy again. Lots of cuddles and re-assurance.

Then once the dust has settled you need to spell out to her wheat having a baby means and if you are not prepared to look after her child then she must know that now! She needs to understand how hard having a baby is and not just think it is the latest fashion accesory.

Then you have to leave it up to her.

YANBU I would feel exactly the same way, but the decision is not yours.

2blessed2bstressed · 25/10/2010 00:24

Oh, what a nightmare for all of you! Does your dsd have the slightest idea of how hard things are going to be, and not just for her?
Has she had the pregnancy confirmed, or spoken to any health professional at all?

duchesse · 25/10/2010 00:24

Well, even though she is 14, I think that she has at least some say in this decision. There's nothing wrong with you preferring her to have an abortion, but you can't force her to. Even if you feel that it's the best thing for her long term, it may cause her untold damage to have to make such a huge decision with little say in the matter.

I think that your reservations about looking after another baby are understandable, but you are her parents and as such must help her while she is still so young. How far gone is she? Would she still be able to get a chemical termination or is she going to have have surgery by this stage?

It sounds to me if she won't speak to you or her father that you are going to have to arrange for some counselling for her very quickly. She has to talk to someone about this- is there really nobody she feels happy talking to- an aunt, older cousin? It is very important in my view for her to fully understand the situation she is in and its ramifications, because as you say she is a child.

jabberwocky · 25/10/2010 00:25

Oh, how awful. I would also suspect date rape of some sort. I would begin with an appt with a counselor and then perhaps some time in a day care center to get an idea of exactly how much care a baby involves. There is also the situation of this being a high risk pregnancy because of her age.

AScaryFuckingLemonadeDrinker · 25/10/2010 00:25

YABU. SHe has made her wishes clear, I think you should support her in that. If you try and change her mind it could lead to such heartache, and more for her. You don't want another baby, that's fine - you are not having a baby though, are you? She is. Sounds harsh, but it's not about you.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/10/2010 00:26

You have all received a shock here. Take some time and think and talk about it. Ultimately the decision to have a termination will be your DSD's. Talk to her about how she feels. Ask her why she is so adamant that she is keeping the baby. Then talk to her about her wishes/dreams for the future and frame any suggestions in terms of what she wants. Talk to your DH. Explain to her that, regardless of what she thinks of the boy, her child has a right to know the father and should she go ahead with the pregnancy he will be in her life forever (along with his parents and future girlfriends).

As I have said, it is a shock, try to get over your knee-jerk reaction and apply reason to situation.

So sorry you are all in this situation. Good Luck.

Toughasoldboots · 25/10/2010 00:27

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Vallhalloween · 25/10/2010 00:27

No, imho you're not. I have two teenaged daughters and I would feel as you do - in fact probably far more strenuously so - so heaven knows how I'd feel if I were in the situation with a step daughter.

My two know very well that after many, many years of struggling as a lone parent and (pray god it continues) beating a life threatening illness, the last thing I would not only want to do but actually be willing to do is look after or even share my home with a baby. Selfish I may be bit we would all have a miserable life if I was forced into that situation. My girls know too that if either of them became pregnant they would be obliged to choose and if they wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy, it wouldn't be at this house.

This is doubtless not the way you will handle your situation but all I want to say is that I don't think you're unreasonable in the least to feel as you do.

ant3nna · 25/10/2010 00:27

YANBU to want her to have one but YABU if you try and talk her round to having an abortion. Whatever she decides this has to be her decision and not yours or your DH's - she will end up hating you if don't let her make up her own mind.

Please try and be as supportive as you can. Its a horrible situation for you and your poor DSD.

sallyspookypoisonberry · 25/10/2010 00:29

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Brollyflower · 25/10/2010 00:29

YABU to try to do anything to change her mind because it is her body and her decision. You should not try to influence her because you disagree.

How you feel is a totally different matter.

Original poster
TessoftheDamned · 25/10/2010 00:29

Christ, she doesn't even know how far she is, we don't see any bump but she's small and who knows how a 14-year-old's body will handle pregnancy. She is lovely but she has absolutely NO clue what a baby is or what a baby does, we have a 12-year-old and 10-year-old so she hasn't been around babies for ages. We have an appointment Tuesday so will find out then, she has no clue how the process works, she doesn't remember when her last period was or how that would be relevant! 'I'm sure I didn't get pregnant on my period' is all she said about that.

She says 'don't worry I will feed it before school and after school and take it for walks in the pram' Hmm

It's fairly easy to say that we won't be its parents, but then honestly - who's going to be getting up in the night shushing it back to sleep? Most likely me, as she really needs to finish her education and can't go to school on no sleep. I'm sure she'll want me to have baby in the day, I work part-time fairly freelance so could do it, but just don't want the baby to be seeing me as its mum, which is what I'm 95% sure will end up happening.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 25/10/2010 00:30

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LadyLatherOfIndecision · 25/10/2010 00:31

You poor things, all of you

She needs to see a Dr - who may be able to get more information out of her, how far along she REALLY is ( I remember how flaky I was as a teenager all those years ago)

Original poster
TessoftheDamned · 25/10/2010 00:31

Tough of course it's wonderful that she told us! I mean she's just now worked herself up to tell us! I can't imagine what a bundle of nerves she has been the last couple of weeks or however long it's been since she found out herself. It wasn't said in a sarcastic tone, hard to see over the net.

OP posts:
LadyLatherOfIndecision · 25/10/2010 00:32

oh, xposts, sorry

sallyspookypoisonberry · 25/10/2010 00:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brollyflower · 25/10/2010 00:33

Teenagers can and do make good parents with the right support. There is time before it would be born to learn about babies and face the realities of teen parenthood. How many of us really had the slightest clue what parenthood would involve before we first gave birth? I was no teenager, but I knew next to nothing!

Push her to have an abortion against her will and she (and most likely you) will pay for it emotionally for a v v long time.

Firawla · 25/10/2010 00:33

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littleducks · 25/10/2010 00:33

Its not wrong for you to want her to, but you cant encourage or worse force her. Can you try and find a counselling/advisory service near you, especially if you are concerned she may have been raped?

duchesse · 25/10/2010 00:33

"She says 'don't worry I will feed it before school and after school and take it for walks in the pram'"

If she's saying this then she really hasn't any idea what's in store for her and really needs an in-depth chat with someone she can trust. She thinks it's going to be like having a guinea pig. Does anyone know if Connexions has a specialist teenage pregnancy advisory service? Or any of the birth control charities? Which county do you live in, Tess?

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