To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

I could have missed this but is the pregnancy a result of contraceptive failure or just the lack of any?

phipps, lack of

they didn't use any contraception, phipps.

Tess, having read most of this thread, I can't see any easy answers. Your DSD clearly wants to keep this baby yet, clearly she is very young to care for the baby on her own. Of course its not practical for her to have a part time job after the baby comes as whatever she can earn as a 15 year old will be similar to the cost of the childcare while she is working - unless you are prepared to look after the baby for her. As you have correctly identified in your OP the childcare is going to fall down to you.

I don't think bribery (money or puppy) is the answer though, although I can see tempting to offer.

But being a mum with a 6 month old (easy) baby I can't see how a 14 year old could manage to care for him, (maybe for a few hours). I haven't had to buy him any clothes (all hand me downs) or cot/pram etc (from older DC) but the cost of nappies, wipes and formula, and now baby food soon adds up, as does the strain of constant washing babygros/muslins etc.

Could you arrange for her to spend a few days with a teenage single mum? Or ask her to describe (maybe write down) how a new mum would spend her day according for each minute. Or ask her how much money she thinks a baby will cost, including childcare costs and how much she thinks she can earn.

She'd need to earn £100 a week to pay for childcare and another around £25 a week to cover formula and nappies etc. Its just not possible for her to earn enough to cover these costs, even with a part-time job.

If not using contraception and having sex means that someone is immature, there are a lot of women in their 30s and 40s on mnet if you look at a lot of the pgy threads! [hwink]

I am just so for you Tess and your DSD, your DH is going to have to step up to the plate and help so much more around the house to support you supporting her.

Right, so were they just carried away and it was unplanned or was she trying to get pregnant?

what a pointless comment, CTL

I presume those women on the pg threads are above the age of consent and have the means and maturity to support a surprise pg

oh, and are not children themselves...

'a child of dubious origin'? WTF, WetAugust.

This is not a mongrel.

the DSD didn't reveal much, phipps, but apparently was having sex with no protection at all. that was all that came out.

Phipps I don't think she would say she was trying but she wasn't trying not to either. It's all very sad and complicated.

Discowife, I think that expecting your DSM to live with, not to mention help care for, a baby that isn't hers and she doesn't want is far more ethically shady than that DSM reading the texts of a 14 year old child! I'd have absolutely no qualms about doing so.

phipps, it's a bit unclear as the girl won't talk but it may be that it was deliberate

I would read the texts, FB, emails and everything I could get my hands on too

no question

Loudlass I like you.

Between you, you and getorf you are contributing the most practical and valuable advice on this thread because you can totally emphathise with the OP and yet still say out loud that she is making a mistake. But if she wants to make that mistake you won't judge her for it because you understand. I don't know where that leaves the OP, (poor woman) but can't we just bus you both to West Kent for Crises Talks?

She'd be able to get income support in her own name once she's 29 weeks. She'd get child tax credits as well once the baby is born, which would pay for 70% of chlidcare costs, so she wouldn't have to foot the bill for all of that through her own job.

Nobody knows who the father is though, do they? That's how I took the 'dubious origin' comment.

Frankly Tess and her family are going to have to find this out, so that he and his family can share some of the financial (and hopefully also the practical and emotional) load. It simply isn't fair for his identity to be kept a secret- not least for the baby that might be born.

Is that true, orange? I thought that under-sixteens were exempt from IS etc.

I don't know if it would help the family help the daughter if they knew why she wanted a baby? I always wanted children as I didn't have a family but also knew I had to be married first. Is the daughter having this child because she thinks s/he will fill a void? No disrespect to you, Tess.

ScaryFucker, I think CTL was referring to expat's post which said the girl must immature, because a really mature 14-year-old would have been more likely to use contraception. Nothing about being over the age of consent, just that not using contraception means you must be immature.

Tess, when you come back you'll need to start a new thread, by the look of it.

Yes that's how I read it Phipps.

she already told Tess, phipps, that she wanted something to love and to love her 100%.

Phipps- you must have missed Tess' update that covered that. It is much as you say

scaredandalone I replies to your comment directed at me - it was very long and considered repsonse that then got lost int eh ether somewhere and I don't have the energy or the time to do it all again. But you should know that it started with an apology. I never meant to offend, or to belittle your pain over your rape and subsequent termination, but I wanted to make the point that not everyone suffers.

Since then, I've caught up with the posts and I see you are a teen mum. So am I right in surmising that you were raped as a teen, forced to have an abortion by your mother, then got pregnant pretty soon afterwards and now have a baby whilst still being in your teens?