To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Your only play here is to tell her that:
(1) Of course it is her choice whether she will have this baby or not
and
(2) If she will, then she will need to go to mother & baby facilities as you cannot raise her baby for her.

The idea which should be clear to everyone here is that either OP's DSD is old enough to have a baby of her own (and shoulder the responsibilities of said baby) or she is not. Either she is willing to sacrifice her education and future for this baby or she is not.

The choice needs to be hers. But she should be told what the choice really is. It is not "Abort or have a cuddly baby that someone else will care for while I go to school".

What Cote said.

'I really strongly believe that those aspects must just be dealt with and we just handle that.' Perhaps they can't though, Noone islurking either on a practical or a financial basis. It's all very well to say these 'must just be dealt with', but perhaps they are on the bones of their arse; perhaps they would have to move house which would have huge financial implications; how do you balance the rights of the 14 year old against the 4(?) other people whom this will impact on the most?

If my ds presented me with this situation, I would be a very unhappy bunny. We could cope financially and space wise with it, but whether we would want to would be a different matter. I have seen teen pregnancies that have had a good outcome, one of my students who was raped, but she did say she had lost her childhood and her teenage years, and that although she loved her ds, she resented him too because she couldn't be like all the other teenagers around her.

YANBU.

I suspect that teenage girls have an utterly unrealistic view of motherhood (and your dsd has demonstrated this already), and an equally unrealistic and melodramatic view of what a first trimester abortion entails.

I seem to remember being pro-life when I was that age - because I didn't have a fucking clue. Thank God I didn't get pregnant.

I'm not sure how you talk her round though tbh - Hopefully there will be some specialist SWs or HCPs who can help her to make the right decision for herself.

disclaimer: I'm not saying all pro-lifers haven't got a fucking clue - rather than my reasons as an adolescent were ridiculous and ill-informed.

I got pregnant the month I turned 16 gave birth when I was still 16, I stayed living with my parents till I moved in with (now) DH when ds was 2.
My parents did absolutely nothing to help, wouldn't even hold him whilst I went the toilet, I managed all by myself.
Maybe your dsd will be able to do the same if you make it crystal-clear you will not be involved with the care of the baby. Is she a mature 14 yo?

the thing is, shes a mother now. all those emotional/chemical reactions are pulsing through her body, its already begun so even if its not ideal its already happened. Her body is ensuring the survival of her child by doing what it has too. The best thing you can do now is sit and make plans for how to make sure she can fufil her other dreams too.

I don't think there is ever a point at which you're ready for the sleep-deprivation experiment that is a newborn.

But Tess - the one over-riding issue here is you don't want your DSD coming to you in five / 10 years time and saying "you made me do it and I hate myself and you". Her mental health is at stake here, she could become very depressed if she feels coerced into a decision she regrets, and that would limit her life chances every bit as much.

I wonder if your local health visitor could put her in touch with another teenage mum, or a group? And if afterwards you could sit and really talk about her plans for the future? You could explain that while most 14 year olds don't have to do this, that mothers do, and so she needs to think about how she plans to complete her education, about who will look after her baby during her education, how she will combine childcare with a job.

I'm not suggesting you should do all this to scare her, just to get a plan sorted. I agree with Nothereis that she may "just know" what the right thing for her is and even though you may be frustrated with that choice and believe she would have chosen differently at 19, the fact is she's not 19 and you play the cards you're dealt.

'Her mental health is at stake here, she could become very depressed if she feels coerced into a decision she regrets, and that would limit her life chances every bit as much.' There are other children to consider here as well; this may limit their life chances too.

'The best thing you can do now is sit and make plans for how to make sure she can fufil her other dreams too.' The OP may have had dreams that she cannot now fulfil, and may not be able to give her own kids as much support because she will inevitably end up caring for her dsgd.

I suspect that at 14 (and as a young 14yo by the sounds of it), her dreams for the future are far from well developed.

It would be dreadful if the dsd ended up hating her parents for talking her into having a termination. It would also be doing her a grave disservice to not properly and dispassionately present the facts wrt to abortion and what having a baby entails.

If DSD has any dreams for the future that might need serious studying at university level, either she will have to abandon them or OP will have to care for her child pretty much full time.

dreams so far in does she want to do her gcses? if so then she could attend a young parent and baby school where she can work along side what she needs to learn rather than all the other crap they do at school. Her life isnt going to be the same ever again because shes already become a mohter, whether she terminates or not you cant make it "go away". Make plans with her so she feels she is still acheiving educationally while being pregnant s she dousnt get stuck in a rut and keeps up drive, motivation and self worth

cotedazur, thats bullshit. if anything shes in a good position to go to uni, if she has the child at 15, finishes her gcses either early or 1 yr late she can still do what she needs to and her child will be of school age in time for her uni education which for most full time courses in 6-9hours a week full time!

I know, i did it with 2 children

YANBU to want her to have an abortion for the reasons you listed, it would be easier all round I'm sure...

YABU however if you try to coerce,cajole or force her to have an abortion..

I find this all very strange. Surely you can't have children and then assume they will do nothing that will impact you or the other children ever. Is that really how families work? YOur children could get pregnant at 14, develop a drug habit, have mental health problems, have a disability later in life and need care, have a life-threatening illness and need visiting daily in hospital, lose their jobs and need money and a roof over their heads. I don't see this as much different, it's unexpected, it's not ideal, there are options to be discussed (not by you, but by trained counsellors and advisors, to give impartial advice ) including her not staying in the house with the baby. But, I think thinking about your 'right' to a peaceful life from a certain time point simply doesn't come into it when you have children.

And don't forget that girls who are pressured into abortions they don't want, very very often go and get pregnant again.

Other people have made the same point as you earlier in the thread onetoomany.

Hello op,

I really couldn't advise you as i don't know the full story and it would be inappropriate of me to do so.

But i just wanted to say you have my greatest sympathies and i hope that the situation works out well for all involved.

Thank you so much everyone for your views. I have diligently read through all the posts made since my last one last night before I went to bed.

The vibe here is very strange this morning, I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, DH has left in a flurry earlier than he normally would for work so he doesn't have to deal with it, I suppose. The boys have gone to stay at a friends' for the next couple of nights and DSD is alternating between her room and the kitchen but almost permanently attached to the phone.

I think this evening either I or DH and I if he's in a calmer state will take her out for a cheap meal and explain some of this to her - I think getting her out of the house will help. DH and I had a quick talk about the realities of her having the baby - he doesn't want her to go to a Young Mothers' home as her mother abandoned her to us and he feels we would totally shut her out if we do the same.

To the person who asked - her mother fucked off abroad with her boyfriend and left DSD literally on our doorstep one morning saying she was going on holiday for 2 weeks, we got a postcard (yes, a postcard! ) saying she wouldn't be back for her. DH and I now have sole custody and DSD hasn't seen or heard from her mother in almost 6 years.

Of course, easy for DH to say that as he won't be the one having anything to do with the care of the baby. Financially we can proably manage, it will affect us though. Space-wise in the house, we can manage with a baby in her room but is she going to want him/her in there when it's 3/4/5? I just now got toys to vacate the living room

Tomorrow at GP I'll leave her to get some advice and we will get advice together, find out how far along she is and then hopefully she will want to talk through options more. It's been heartening to hear your success stories and also (though this may sound selfish) stories of those of you who have had or know someone who's had a termination and it didn't destroy your relationship with your parents. I'm still worried about the boy but won't ask unless she volunteers.

It's a minefield at the minute, we're just trying to pick our way through. Thank you again for all your resposnes, they are making me think and see things from different points of view.

Onetoomany - yes that is exactly how I see it.

It depends on what "education" we are talking about.

If she wishes to be a doctor or architect, for example. she has some very serious studies ahead of her. Not only at university level but also in the coming few years while she prepares for GCSEs. This means that OP will have to care most of the time for this baby. Then when DSD is at university, baby will be 2 yrs old and either OP will have to again care for him full time or he will have to go into childcare full time. In the evenings, DSD will have to study or prepare projects, go to other students' homes to study or prepare for joint projects. OP will again be de facto mother to this baby.

It is fine if she doesn't mind this role, but she obviously does.

By the way, I don't appreciate my views being called "bullshit". Perhaps you can tell us what you have studied when you had a baby to care for and where those studies have taken you professionally, and we can see where you are coming from.

DSD is very intelligent and wants to do something in science, she has toyed with astronomy for the last year or so and really been gearing up studying for maths/sciences GSCE's and beyond. I'm not sure if that's really a viable option now, sh has said she doesn't 'like' anything else so not sure what else I could even steer her towards!

I disagree, if only for the fact that if I had been allowed to stay at home with my mum, I would NOT have taken responsibility for my DD. I would have had many more nights out, leaving DD with my parents, I would have not bothered getting up in the night - because there would have been someone else there to. And I highly doubt I would have coped with my DD as well now as I do if I had not been the person doing the day-to-day care for her from the moment DD was born. It was bloody hard, especially when DD was dxd with a lot of different SN, and I had to deal with that on my own.

Why is it the OP's responsibility to care for her DSD's child? It's NOT. It's OP's DSD's resonsibility to care for her own child. No matter how old DSD is. My own DD knows now (at almost 13yo) that if she chooses to have a baby, at any age, that baby will be HER responsibility. I would support her only to the extent that you would support a grown child of 28 having a baby - blankets, the occasional shopping trip, being available to ask for advice, babysitting once every couple of months. No more than normal, regardless of her age.

Just as I had to, if you choose to be a grown-up and have a child, you do not still get to be a child yourself. It's bloody hard to start with, but well worth it in the long run.

The teen mums that I knew where they carried on living at home, and their parents helped out with childcare etc so they could continue education for example - are the same ones now 13 yrs later who still do not take responsibility for their dc. Because they didn't have to. A mother and baby unit will give her the skills she needs to care for a baby, without being such a negative impact on your own home life and your other dc.