To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

How awful for you and your DH and probably most of all your DSD.

I know someone who was 'forced' at 15 to terminate a pregnancy (she was raped) by her parents and the first thing she did was go out and get pregnant again deliberately, she just couldn't cope with the termination. Sh eis now an adult (I didn't know her then, she is a friend now) and it has seriously messed her up for life, no amount of counselling has helped her deal with it.

I am not sure what counselling is available to girls in your DSD's situation or whether she'd be able to speak to any mothers her age or a little older to find out how they really feel about things?

I don't think YABU to want DSD to have a termination, btw, but I do think ultimately it is her decision and you'd have to do your best to support her in that.

I think the OP means "got up the nerve", iyswim.

Jaq- if you could be providing cuddles and reassurance, you are much closer to sainthood than I am! I would be fucking furious.

Also, is she even sure that she is pregnant if she is that vague about things?

Fira there are a lot of assumptions in your post. I have in no way pushed her to have one, this is all a very big rush of emotions at the minute. We have sat down to talk to her about ALL the options and she just clams up and says 'Nope, keeping it' as if there's no dicussion at all, not even when we try to talk to her about if we DO keep it how things will work. She seems to think she just will say 'Keep it' and then everything will carry on as normal.

I love her to pieces and am thinking first and foremost about her education, her goals, her dreams in life. Having a baby will severely hinder the time that she can achieve what she wants to achieve, and may even prevent it (although appreciate she may end up becoming whatever she wants to be in time).

My cousins Dd fell pg at 14 too. She had the baby and lived (of course) at her parents and she looked after her Ds. She had total responsibility for him and she went back to school, finished her studies and now at 22 has her own place, job etc.

It can work. You just have to ensure Dsd knows that although you'll be there, she is the parent and therefore has to take full responsibilty. Tough one though. Good luck.

Duchesse She took another pregnancy test just before telling us and it was positive. I'm so out of touch these days I don't know how sensitive they are but presumably more than a couple of weeks if it comes up positive?

Solo that's a very positive story. Can I ask if she went to any sort of parenting classes, and who looked after the baby in the day? Did she pay for childcare, etc? All parts of a bigger picture we're looking at.

If she doesn't know why her periods are relevant to how far along she is then what on earth have you taught her about sex?

Completley down to her is not really viable is it?.....she will of course need help to bring up her baby and continue her education.....she is 14...you can't just 'throw her out'.....good luck...i don't think YABU.

Firawla stop being a nob.

Oh and sorry we're in Kent.

ant I do admit a lack of sex education, although she has had it in school and has had a few chats with me. We always stressed protection, talked a bit about STI and pregnancy, etc. - she would roll her eyes and say "We learned that in school already" and to be honest, I want to keep communication flowing so tend to follow her lead on what she wants to talk about.

It's been hard adjusting to the role of stepmum, we didn't take her on full-time until she was 9.

Bof I'm giving advice not doing it myself. So, so much easier to be calm and loving

Tess, there are preg testing kits that can predict how far along the pregnancy is. Get one tomorrow to give you an idea of how much time you have to work with.

Check out the internet (and BBCiplayer) for perspectives from young teenage parents to show her and open up the discussion about how she will cope. Try to focus any further discussion on DSD and the impact on her life, followed by the baby and put your own (and DP's) views last.

It might put things back for her in terms of education etc but she would be able to achieve those things eventually, there is help available for young parents getting back into education etc, so I just felt its really wrong to just discount the option for her as its her choice to make and felt from the OP that the tone was more focusing on the impact on yourselves than her? but apologies for any assumptions.
Maybe see if she or you can contact some young parents group, for eg @ childrens centres they may have a group for 14-19 which should be run by family support worker that would be able to give her some advice and talk to her about the realities, practicalities etc?

Source some counselling for her ASAP - young people's help service, GP, whatever - but somewhere she can go by herself not with you and her dad sitting there going 'Tell her she's got to have an abortion, think of her A'levels'. Sorry but your feelings are not the most important factor here, you are not her owner and it is not up to YOU what she does about her pregnancy.
Adoption is a possibility but (again) that has to be her choice, though these days open adoption is possible (she would get regular updates on the DC's wellbeing and be able to correspond with him/her)
Becoming a mum in one's teens is not the end of the world anyway, plenty of people do it and make good lives for themselves and their DC.

Fira, I definitely do think the impact on us is relevant as she will be living with us full-time for at least the next 3 years. But I am trying to focus on her and put her needs first. I'm not at all sure what sort of help is available to us and would love any suggestions about where to check?

Please, please don't push her or encourage her in any way to abort if it is not what she wants.

My Nan did this to my mum at a similar age and my mum still cries for her lost child. She named him Jamie . It's something she has never been able to get over.

By all means get her to see a proper counsellor to go through her options and ensure she is making the right choice for her, but don't push her one way or the other.

I feel for your familys situation, and wish you all the best of luck.

Whilst everyone else is full of advice, maybe in the meantime, you could (all?) have a watch of the TV programme '16 and Pregnant' and the follow on series, 'Teen Mom'. They're american, and may be no use at all, but should provide a teenagers outlook on pregnancy and caring for a child whilst in education.

Of course, it could be completely useless and definitely not recommended as a guideline or anything, just a chatty-not-so-serious look at things, iykwim? To see how others deal with this and what will be happening, without having to read books etc etc.

Just thinking, you know in a way that might get her to watch, as it offers that strangely captivating Reality TV thing.

(Maybe some price lists of what a baby costs, too?)
Also - you have to be 16 in the UK to qualify for CB, however I do think they may give you extra CB for the extra mouth to feed etc. (Am very unclear on this, but felt it should be mentioned, just incase this is relevant.)

(Also, there is an English TV programme on BBC3, called 'Underage and Pregnant')

These might be worth a look, especially for your DSD, but if not, nevermind.
(Sorry for long post, I chat on .)

quietlysuggests.......maybe because the Mum will get bored and want her own time and space as teenagers are want to do,who knows,maybe this one will be different......but so young,and watching all her friends having a good time....it's not going to be easy and historically the parents usually take on the upbringing.
Is she realy going to be happy staying at home with Mum and Dad and the Baby when she is 15,16,17,18 years old.....?

Tess, I think maybe you need to start by talking to her head of year at school, or the head of girls if there is one, or the school nurse if there is one, and find out what services are available to pregnant teenagers. It seems that the Kent teenage pregnancy partnership has been "remodelled" so I'm not quite sure how you'd go about finding help. My guess is that the GP + the school + maybe your HV? would be able to point you in the right direction to access the right information and services.

Lello Thank you so much, that is incredibly helpful. I would have had no idea such things even existed I'm out of touch with today's teenage TV programmes! Thank you again, will have a peep at those.