To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

I don't know how else to talk to her about it at this point, perhaps just being supportive until we go to the scan on Tuesday. Presumably the sonographer/midwife/GP will be talking her through all of her options, although I'm really not sure on whether she should have that talk without one of us there? On one hand I do believe she needs impartial info, but on the other I don't want her to be too scared and confused to ask questions.

Quietly- I agree with Tess actually that the reality is that she would slip into the role of main carer by default almost. It is such a bloody hard position for a naive teenager to put you in- I really feel for you, Tess. Have you got any support for yourself? Can you ask to speak to a counsellor yourself to help you work things out in your head? What an awful shock- you must be feeling horribly disenfranchised in something which is going to have huge consequences for you.

No of course they don't sal, that is not what I meant at all. I am very pro choice, but it must be a choice.

sally, IMO, sex education starts well before the teens. I agree that an uncooperative teen is not going to be the easiest to enlighten but a teen that is used to talking about sex with their parents and step-parents is going to be easier to educate.

OP - could you perhaps write a letter to your DSD telling her why you are worried about her. You could explain the realities of looking after a baby, tell her that she needs to take full responsibility for her child and reassure her that you will find her the right support to enable her to do that. A letter takes away any 'tone of voice' that she might object to and she might end up taking more notice of you.

Also is there some sort of topic on Talk that deals with this I could go to for some more specific advice? Sorry, I do realise it's quite specific.

I don't know Tess as she didn't even know she was pg; a teacher saw her little bump during games and it was discovered that she was already 7 months gone! (she was very petite with not much of a bump) so there wasn't a lot of time for anything much I'm sure! she did return to school though and must've had child care as both her parents worked full time.

The lo is now 8 and is much loved. His Mum had just turned 15 when she had him.

BOF thank you for being very understanding. I go from being red hot angry to scared and feeling like a 14-year-old myself within minutes! No one ever thinks this will happen to them, it's single-handedly turned all our lives upside down very quickly. The boys don't know yet but they do know that we've all been behaving different and tiptoeing around DSD. I can't help thinking how it will affect them, too.

ant The letter sounds like a FABULOUS idea, not sure why I hadn't thought of that. DSD said she had wanted to write us a letter but decided it was easier to just say it and get it over with. I'm sure I came across as very supportive actually when DH hit the roof most unhelpfully and I had to calm him down.

Oh, Tess, your poor stepdaughter. She's so young, and it sounds as if she's quite a young 14 anyway. Of course it is rape, but that doesn't help anyone deal with this situation and I agree, don't push that line at this stage. The fact that she's so vague about her periods and doesn't know when it happened (was she having regular sex, then, that she can't pinpoint the likely week?) isn't a good sign either.

I understand your hopes for her decision entirely. But that's why SGB is right, she needs to go and talk to someone on her own. But I don't think it's unreasonable for you and your husband to sit down together and work out your rules and your boundaries; i.e., if she chooses to keep it and wants to keep living with you, then the conditions are - she stays in school, she does the night shifts, whatever it is you think is reasonable. She needs as much information as possible to make a decision (although she doesn't sound mature enough to weigh things up properly), and part of that information is going to come from you: this is how things will be.

Just had a bit of a search
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lyxdk
This episode was of a girl who was 14 when she got pregnant, and now has a baby.

I really think you and dh have to put your feelings of disappointment, anger and frustration aside at the moment. If she has the baby - well it will impact on the next few years of your life yes - but having it or not is going to impact on the WHOLE of her life and first and foremost that MUST come first. If this were my daughter I would be in bits too - but it's not abot us.
She sounds very brave to me. No, she doesn't know what it would be like to have a baby. In that she's no different from most mums. She doesn't know either how she would feel about having a termination - like becoming a mum I suspect that's something that you can't know about till you've done it and have to live with it. You don't know how either of these situations will work out for her and it's not your choice to make.
Fwiw I had an unplanned pregnancy and all I can say about that was their is a gut feeling for what you want to do - you don't actually want any of the options available because what you want is to put time back - but you pick a side as it were and you stick with it and knowing which way you need to go is a very basic but hard to explain thing. She says 'keeping it' because that's how she feels it. She's not being stubborn or stupid or naieve - it's just how it is.
The other thing I want to say is this - this seems like the worst thing in the world right now, a thing that will impact on your lives for years to come - and it will. But as parents we all know that this is not the worst thing in the world by any means. That doesn't make it easy to live with - but things could be a hell of a lot worse.

Lello That clip made me cry, that's exactly how I feel - when the mum said her DH said he felt he was losing his wife and his daughter as she was immediately expected to do the bulk of the baby's care. It's not only that but I think of how my boys will feel when I can't go see their football match because baby is ill and has to stay in, etc. etc.

Also - unhelpful, but if she does offer anymore info about the lad she was with, if he was over 16 it is classed as statutory rape, so she might also be worried about landing him in it?
If he was over 18 then a prison sentence, I would think.

There is a site for teenage parents, however the starting age is 16.
www.teenageparents.org.uk/
Might also be worth a look (for both of you, so you can see what sort of things she'll be seeing/hearing/learning/thinking?)

Will have a look for any sites/forums/support groups for parents of teenage parents, and will get back to you. :)

sal, OP has two other children who might benefit from some more sex education. No need to make a mistake twice

Tess, I'm glad you like the letter. I'm not surprised your DH went mad - I expect most dad's would have. I think if she sees you are supportive then she will be more inclined to open up to you and accept your advice. I hope you and her can find a way to deal with this - you sound like you've had a shock and are just struggling with what the right thing to do is.

Oo, found one. kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/teen_pregnancy.html

Heaping quite a few sites on you here , but since I have no personal experience of this, haven't really got any useful advice!

I think it's great that she could come to you & your DH, I've just had a chat with DD1(17) when she came down for a brew, she said she'd never tell me and cry and cry and hope it went away. Well, that put me straight! So congratulations on her coming to you, think you should be proud of yourself. In a good way, you know? She might have made a mistake/done things she didn't know the consequences of, but you have the time to fix/help/support her without her suffering alone.

DD1 suggests a cup of tea and a hobnob.
I asked her what would make her understand her situation if she was in one as such, she said there's not a lot that could be done, she still thought babies were just like dolls until last year .
And then to suggest that if she is intending to be a Mother, perhaps get a weekend job to help support her child/and or get the father in the picture to help support.

Have no idea if that was of any use, my other DD is 13 and whilst closer in age, she's asleep and would love a baby might need to give her some serious talks soon! :)

Lello That's what scares me - I think she is excited about having the baby to treat as a doll (the dressing up, feeding before/after school, and going for walks in pram thing got me....)

I sent you a PM :)

Thank you SO Much for all these sites they are really helping and preventing me from becoming a blubbering mess, which wouldn't help anyone in this situation!

Can 14-year-olds get weekend jobs? Although just doing a quick maths problem she will most likely be 15 when baby is born unless she is more than 3 months along, which seems unlikely looking at her tummy. Although very scared now after Solo's story

What a tough situation - I really feel for you OP. Yes, of course ultimately it has to be your DSDs decision, but I think the impact that it will have on you gives you some rights in this situation!

The first thing I would do is sit down with your DSD and explain that things definitely won't be the same for her after the baby is born. The "feed before and after school" comment shows that she hasn't thought it through at all- she clearly assumes you will be looking after baby. I think she needs the kind of shock that teenagers often do to make them understand the consequences of their actions - personally I would be telling her how much you hope she will eventually be able to return to school to finish her exams but of course when the baby is born she won't be attending school for a while - she'll have to care for her child. The enormity of this direct impact on her might make her think things through a bit more.

There are some programmes out there supporting school age mums with childcare while they study and special classes in some instances, but I don't know how you would access them. I guess your GP would be your best starting point. Good luck.

"60-70% of pregnant teens drop out of school"

My doctor told me years ago that a pregnancy test won't show up as positive after 3 months gone - because the hormone that it measures, HcG, is only high in the first trimester (it's the thing that makes you feel nauseous and tired, and isn't necessary after the placenta forms) - so if the test is positive, she's in first tri.

Tortures That is very reassuring. If I had to guess I'd say she's maybe 8 weeks, as she said she's known for a couple of weeks. I have half a mind to shake her senseless and another half to wake her up and hug her. Gah, this is so hard.

Do you think she'd tell GP/midwife who the father was? I'd like to know more for health reasons than anything, is he a drug addict, etc? I would've been [shocked] at this if you'd told me 2 weeks ago but I NEVER would have put money on her getting pregnant so it seems to me now anything's possible. I know for a fact she doesn't smoke or drink though.

My cousin fell pg at 15 and Connexions helped her a lot, so it is probably worth looking to see if there is one in your area. She managed to get HE through them and now does work with excluded teenagers. Her DD1 is now a well adjusted 8YO. :)

Tess: I do appreciate this is rough on you but shit happens. Your DSD (or another family member) could have been hit by a bus or got ill in some way that meant s/he needed longterm care. You could (maybe, don't know how old you are) have an unplanned PG. Right now, DSD is pregnant - if she is less than 12 weeks she might miscarry... and then be so upset that she goes right out and gets impregnated again.
No one has been bad here or done this deliberately - unless DSD tells you that the impregnator forced her, don't waste time pursuing him, he may well be just another dumb horny teenager who meant no harm and believed some or other myth such as she couldn't get pregnant unless it was her period... She may be refusing to name him out of some wish to keep him safe from harm.. don't try to force her to say who it is.