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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DSD to have an abortion?

1002 replies

TessoftheDamned · 25/10/2010 00:16

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought Hmm was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Haliborange · 25/10/2010 10:25

You've had some really good advice, but two things spring to mind.

Firstly, why does she want to keep the baby? It may be that she has a rose-tinted view off teen motherhood, but it also might be that she is scared of abortion.

Which brings me to my second point. Does she understand what abortion entails (physically at least)? She may have some vague ideas about pain, operations, stirrups etc (as I had at that age) which sound very scary. Is she early enough on that she could take the pills instead? I guess you'll find out at the doctor.

Good luck with this OP. I know I would have a very hard time with the idea that a child who is not mature enough to make decisions on other life-changing issues has ended up having to deal with all of this.

tanmu82 · 25/10/2010 10:27

everything &nothereisnoboby* said

LoopyLoupGarou · 25/10/2010 10:33

Thereisnobody to some extent I agree, the last thing she needs in pregnancy is to be woken unnecessarily all night, but she does need to be armed with the facts.
When I wad c14 I thought I was pregnant (I wasn't) and I thought exactly the same. I was (and still am) very anti abortion, but had no idea what it entails, not what having a baby really means.
Before I got pregnant (late 20s) I read everything I could on the subject, and had lots of friends who had been there, but was still utterly overwhelmed and exhausted when it actually happened. I don't think knowing all of this would have changed my mind at 14, but I think the adults involved would be doing this little girl a disservice if they didn't find her the appropriate resources to inform herself.

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 10:36

I really feel for you and your dsd.

I have seen many many teenage pregnancies, some do really well and others don't (long term). It depends on the teenager imo.

Understandably you are worried how it will affect you and your other children. Childcare, finances, day to day living are all huge factors to consider.

Firstly your dsd needs to get an appt with the gp. She will be able to discuss her options with the doctor and they can provide the referrals required.

GiddyPickle · 25/10/2010 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoteDAzur · 25/10/2010 10:44

YANBU to want her to have an abortion, if only because you want what is best for her.

There isn't much you can do about it, though. If she has an abortion against her instincts, she will then grow to hate you for it.

scaleymcnamechange · 25/10/2010 10:50

OP - all my thoughts and sympathies go to you in this situation. I would be fricking livid if my 14 year old expected me to support her in having a baby. I doubt I would ever be able to forgive her. I hope your dsd sees sense and has an abortion. She is far too young to take responsibility for someone else's life and sounds hopelessly naieve. The very fact that she got pregnant in the first place is proof that she is too young to handle motherhood.

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 25/10/2010 11:00

Ok scaley - well I hope you never have to face that either - for your daughter's sake! Lots of women get pregnant accidentally - perfectly sorted and sensible 45 year old women, teenage girls and everywoman in between. I understand that it makes people angry, I do - but it is the pregnant woman who will be living with everything she chooses and nobody else!

As parents we all assume that we will have a NT child and we will care for them for 18 years and they won't do anything too apalling and will them go and live an independant life - and not bother us too much. THe world doesn't work like that, we are ALL fallible and subject to illness and disease. My sister is facing a hugely stressful personal siuation. My parents didn't choose this burden, it's very upsetting for them - but they are shouldering it because that's what parents do. That doesn't mean they do everything for her - but they'll be there.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2010 11:08

Sometimes parents because they are people, too, have limits on what they can do.

I could not afford to go insane or have my mental problems kicks off again if one of my 14-year-old daughters got pregnant, because they have a younger brother so I have to try to maintain my sanity for his sake.

So they'd be looking at mother and baby home.

We didn't have more children for a reason - we can't bring them up. Mentally, it would break me.

So I make it clear to them that that includes their children, too.

scaleymcnamechange · 25/10/2010 11:08

Pregnancy is preventable and I doubt very much there is a NT 14 year old in the land who doesn't know how to prevent it. All the grown women who get pregnant accidentally and who decide not to have an abortion are not making a decision which is going to impact so heavily on someone else.

Of course I would care for my children beyond adulthood if (God forbid) something terrible happened to them. This is simply not the same thing.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2010 11:08

I don't think it means you're a bad parent if you can't or won't bring up your 14-year-old's baby whilst they go to school.

If you're willing and able, grand.

If not, it's best they know that.

scaleymcnamechange · 25/10/2010 11:11

Quite.

I am quite angry on your behalf, op, when you have stated that it would be your preference for your dsd to have an abortion, for all these posters on here trying to persuade you otherwise!

expatinscotland · 25/10/2010 11:13

No, we don't know what hte future holds, but statistically, it's not a good idea for a 14-year-old to have a baby.

Financially, this government is going to make monetary support for people who chose to do this very difficult, too.

scaryteacher · 25/10/2010 11:14

'Yes she's 14 - but she has autonomy over her decisions. The only thing we know that she has said is that she has expressed an intention to care for her child and attend school. That's not an impossible ambition.'

She may have autonomy over her decisions, but part of that autonomy is considering how her decisions will impact on other people. If she thinks she's ready to have a baby, then she has to be mature enough to think through all the consequences. Giddypickle rightly points out what it will mean for the OP financially and practically, especially with school. The OP will now have deal with a baby as well as her own youngsters. How will her other dcs react to this? Will they feel pushed out because the baby needs their mum. This is a situation not of the OPs making and I think it really unfair that she is taken to task by some on here for venting that she is frustrated.

bathbuns · 25/10/2010 11:15

Do you know anyone with a young baby that she could talk to and even spend a couple of days with to see the reality? I know at that age I wasn't prepared to listen to anything my parents had to say but I would listen to the exact same advice from another adult.

I really empathise with you. I would guess in this situation (bearing in mind she has been rejected in some form by her birth mother) she is craving love and feels that a baby could give her that. I remember that feeling, it is very, very overpowering. Thankfully I ended up with a dog rather than a baby and it went some way to filling that hole. I think that if she is open to talking to you about the pregnancy and abortion in the coming weeks you need to stress that even if she did have an abortion now there is nothing to stop her having a baby in just a few short years, which will go much quicker than she thinks.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/10/2010 11:15

OP, my sympathies also lie with you on this. Having actively chosen to have no more children you may now not have that choice and may be forced too and thats wrong.

Regardless of the fact that she will be its mother, whilst she is living with you the bulk of care will fall to you - she will be at school a great deal not to mention if she chooses further education. She will expect to be able to go out like a regular teen so nights will fall to you as well and probably times when the baby is sick etc.

Theres also the financial aspect, she cant work to support the child so is she expecting you to do that too? Can you afford too?

She is asking an enourmous amount from you and needs to have the cold hard facts be it from yourselves or an outside person.

Haliborange · 25/10/2010 11:16

The OP's DSD's decision has an impact on the life her whole family - it is not just the DSD who will have to live with it. It is not a health problem that you suck up and deal with. It is a choice.

I think there is a big difference between accepting responsibility for your own children, caring for them no matter how much of your life that takes up, and taking on an extra (effectively unwanted) child.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2010 11:20

I'd get in touch with SS and let them know I'd have a nervous breakdown if she stayed there with a newborn baby.

Can't do nights or sit with a kid I didn't want so she could go out or spend all day indoors with a kid I didn't want so she could go to school or work even more to put it in childcare.

We also couldn't afford it.

It would turn me into a wreck - hence, DH got sterilised and we double up even after that.

Can't handle any more kids.

Ever.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2010 11:21

Is everyone really that rich? That they could afford to feed another mouth just like that?

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 25/10/2010 11:25

So the op's daughter must have an abortion whether she chooses that or not because otherwise she is imposing a choice on her mother and father? Eh? Hmm Look there is no win situation here. Nothing is going to make this easy and I certainly don't expect the op not to be frustrated - I would be hugely frustrated!
My point is that the daughter must make up her own mind and as parents we should back off and not present the options as they affect us. I really strongly believe that those aspects must just be dealt with and we just handle that. Expat has said that for her this would mean her daughter leaving her home and going to somewhere else that she would receive appropriate care - I have no issue with that.
I'm just really uncomfortable with any person saying to another ' You must have an abortion because I think.....' We don't accept that a father has the right to say that to a woman - why would we accept that a parent has that right? We don't.

duchesse · 25/10/2010 11:25

I honestly don't think that any 14 yo in the developed world is able to look after a baby without considerable damage to their own development (and, by implication, the baby's) and/or a lot of outside help. 14 yo in our society are simply not adult in the sense of being able to look after themselves entirely nor are they allowed to. Accepting outside help is fine- most people do. What most people do not do is expect their own mother to do most of the childcare (and we are talking about the girl's SM potentially having to reduce hours at work or stop working altogether, not be able to continue with hobbies, at a time when she thought she was through with baby-tending) because they need to finish their education- and at 14 of course the girl must return to/stay at school.

altinkum · 25/10/2010 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minibmw2010 · 25/10/2010 11:32

OP, is the DSD's mother in the picture at all, what does she think?

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 11:33

Agree with scaryteacher and happymummy.

You can't/shouldn't force her into abortion but this does massively affect the whole family.

I think you may benefit from ss input.

ragged · 25/10/2010 11:34

I guess we could afford it, but would make me have a nervous breakdown too (I am SO SICK of being a SAHM, a condition I can't realistically leave behind until youngest DC gets to school age).

I would strategise on the basis of what I could and could not do. I could

  • Get her to see a GP asap (as a growing teen she really has to look after herself, and everyone needs to know how far along she is, this is for the health of the fetus, too)
  • Get her to see SS asap (sell this as her making sure she has several long-term support options, she doesn't just have to rely on OP and dad)
  • Get her to talk to teenage moms (sell this to her as prep for what she's getting into).
  • Talk to school and HoY about her options, make sure she's involved in all that communication.

Other actions I would shut out of my mind as beyond my power. YANBU re abortion. Hopefully the advantages of an abortion would manifest themselves as the reality of what she'd learn from all the other things (Can do list), sink in.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned adoption; a lot of giving up for adoption in my family; it's a valid choice she could make.

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