To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

I was your dsd when I was 14, I was pushed into an abortion by my mum. I had no say in it when we went to the doctors. An abortion is not an easy thing at that age, in fact can cause more problems than a pegnancy, I had to stay in for 2 nights on a proper ward.
It was horrific. I still remember the date and time and every detail about it, because I was forced in to it I totally rebelled and had a baby at 16 anyway (to the same father). I would be surprised if she is naive as she is making out, not telling you about the father is more likely to be a fear thing more than anything. If I had a daughter who was pregnant at that age i would just be there for her and support her as best I could. Good Luck to you all, I am sure most of the way you are feeling is down to shock.

I agree that pressurising her to have an abortion would be worse in the long term, even weighing it up against the impact of raising a child at such a young age.

A positive story: My 14 yr old niece fell pregnant and had a baby at 15. She was off the rails at the time (not terribly, skipping school, drinking etc but not in any way completely out of control). She and the father are still friends (he was 17) and he is very much involved. There was a lot of shock and anger at the news and my brother reacted similarly to your DH.

BUT having a baby (now an adorable, well-behaved lovely 3 year old) gave her a sense of purpose in life. Her parents got together as much information as possible for her (to help them as well as her - so Lello's research is all v helpful), she completed her GCSEs - yes her parents helped a lot but her son went to nursery (check out what kind of childcare might be avaiable to her - local Surestart centre?) so mum was not relied upon for full time care.

My niece is now studying to be a midwife. She is no longer a surly teenager and was so lovely and spportive during my pregnancy (I am 34). Having a baby did turn her life upside down but it also turned it around and she is now heading in the right direction. Her 10 yr old brother doted on his nephew from the start and even now at 13 spends a lot of time playing with him.

I know your DSD is not in the same situation (e.g. off the rails) but I always felt that my niece (despite two very loving parents) had her baby to fill a gap in what she viewed as unconditional absolute love. There was something she felt was missing. I say this only because it sounds as if your DSD has had a rough ride with her own mum which even lots of love from you and her dad can't replace/repair. I think young girls who fall pregnant can fantasise about the baby as if it were a doll but also I think they think about the baby loving them absolutely and unconditionally and maybe having the sort of relationship they don't have with their mum - although this may be all very subconscious in motivation. This is not a criticism of you, (my dad is my bro and sister's step dad but as loving as he is having been in their lives since they were pre-school = he cannot replace the love their dad didn't really show) it is just a reality for some girls. I say this because if you have any family counselling, this could be an issue you have to talk about. And if your DSD is focused on having the baby for these kind of reasons (to replace/repair lost love with her mum) then you may need to understand that having her baby, could be a life change she actively wants and needs and having an abortion could be very much worse in the long run.

For now I would go into information gathering mode (finances, childcare, emotional/practical support, young mums' groups etc.) and see how much time you have after GP visit on Tuesday. The more you can show her the reality of having a young baby to care for (and child/teenager etc in the future) the more she can make an informed decision with your support and in the event she does have an abortion it will have been for her reasons and not somebody else's - that's the only way she will survive it emotionally. Wishing you lots of strength, xxx

The mum of one of the DD's schoolfriends had her little DD at a very young age, and her parents took care of the baby while she finished school, then all through the mum's undergraduate degree and now for postgrad. It was quite an upheaval for the grandparents and not really the way they had hoped their lives would be, but their reasoning was that the mum would need an education if she was ever to make a life for herself, and the baby wouldn't be a baby forever.

Tess - a really difficult situation. I can't begin to imagine how you are all feeling. Your DSD must be very scared and confused and will need your support in the months to come, whatever choice she makes.

A few thoughts:

• you have your own emotions to deal with right now, your own disappointments perhaps about not time alone with your DP being delayed for many more years to come. It may be that you are not the best person to advise your DSD impartially right now. Could you perhaps consider arranging for your DSD to see a counsellor instead? It might be useful to have some sessions as a family too, once DSD is clear about what she wants to do, to decide how you can make that happen.

• if DSD doesn't want to talk about the boy, it may be better for your DH to leave that question for the moment. She will talk when she is ready - there are bigger issues for you all to deal with right now.

• there are a few programmes out there that help teenage mothers learn to parent and help them stay in school, providing free creche facilities etc. It might be worth calling your local authority and HVs to see if there is any help in your area.

Btw, a friend of mine also got pregnant at 14. I didn't know her then but met her when she was 30 - a confident professional with her own house, an amazing teenage child and the rest of her life to look forward to.

YANBU at all. Not only will this impact on the lives of all of your family, including your own dcs in the sheer disruption a baby can create, but also financially. It is all very well for those who say oh be supportive, but babies cost, and who is going to be picking up that tab? Will you have to move house? The practicalities have to be considered here.

I think you will have to go with what she wants, but will have to make it clear that there are limits to what you will do if she is going to keep the baby, if that is how you feel (and it is understandable if you do).

I think that it does need to be made entirely plain to her what having a baby entails, and that it will not just impact on her, but on all of you as well.

Have to say that the bbc underage and pregnant program would make me even more worried as a mother as to what the future entails. I'm not sure how your dsd would react to it. One to treat with caution.

Do you have any friends or relatives with young babies that would help you out by lettting your DD do a night shift with the baby? or look after the baby (with the mum/you in the house to supervise but not actually helping iyswim) for a few hours to see how relentless it all actually is?

I don't really have a huge amount of advice as dd1 is 12 but this has really made me think and after speaking to my friend this morning i have found out that there is a girl at dd's school who is pg and the schhol are being very supportive and have even given her advice on childcare and finance so she can stay at school. Sadly her dad has disowned her and her mum is stuck in the middle with her dh demanding no financial support for their dd.

Good luck for tomorrow and hopefully some good will come from it. Knowledge is power and a tomorrow will be the starting block for the future, whatever she and you choose to do.

having a cute little baby must seem like a great idea.

try asking her how she feels about looking after a 3/5/8/10 yr old.... it isn't JUST about having a baby. it's about having a child. for the rest of your life.

YANBU.

14 is too young to have a child, IMO.

I'd not look after a baby if my daughter were pregnant at that age and I'd make sure she was very aware of it. I had a lot of mental health issues from all that sleep deprivation and couldn't do it again.

I'd get social services involved straightaway, too.

Tess..I had just turned 14 when I got pregnant. I did not even know till I was about 10 weeks and my Dad guessed because I was sleeping all the time and very sick. I was full of romantic ideas of keeping the baby.. how it was my body and my life. The Dad of the baby wanted it but was much older than me.

My Dad was AMAZING and just took control of the situation. I hated talking about it as I felt so ashamed but he really pushed home to me what it would be like if I kept it. I had a termination at 13 weeks despite still not being sure... to be honest I have hardly given it a second thought, well only to think thank goodness he put a bit of pressure on as I didnt know what I wanted. Am so so glad he did.

I would do the same with my 14 year old now.

Good luck

My SIL became pregnant at 14 and had her little boy when she was 15 1/2. She was used to babies (had a much younger brother and sister) but no knowledge of labour or delivery or what getting up all hours of the night actually entailed and my MIL ended up being resposible for two babies for a while; her grandson and her daughter who couldnt cope. BUT in spite of that rough start (she had a hellish labour, too) she brought herself around. At 16 she went to a home and lived with other young mums and again faced some diffculties (bullies) and she seperated from her partner, who was abusive.
Now she is 19 and has her own council house and her little boy is a lovely almost-4-year-old.
DH and I thought she was doomed to fail, but she hasnt and we've been greatly humbled watching her. She is nearing the end of her college placement to do beauty therapy and so looking forward to earning her own money. Her DS used to go to a childminders which was paid by benefits (fuzzy on details) but now he attends preschool.

So it doesnt have to be the end of the world. I would definatly push for your DSD to attend some sort of pre-natal counselling. SIL lived with her mum, her mums boyfriend and the younger brother and sister were theirs. Her other brother, my DH, moved into a house with me right before she became pg and she had a rocky relationship with her dad, who had a child by another woman who was the same age as SIL and indeed they attended the same school, yet the other girl was oblivious to all this. WIth all that crap I think SIL saw her potential child as something for her to love who would love her back. It might be good for your DSD to air her feelings in a safe enviroment (i.e. where her dad and you can;t get hurt) which might explain quite why she's so adamant to keep a baby, knowing nothing about them?
I don't know if that made sense, but I think its important for your DSD to get all the support she can.

I think everyone above has given some amazing advice and you must be reeling from all of this.

My only input is I have watched the American 16 and Pregnant programs and the follow up programs to it. It does really show the reality of caring for a baby and that even if the father is involved at the beginning they can easily walk away.

It showed one girl living on her own as her parents refused to help in any way as she was talking of getting pregnant before she actually did and they told her she would have to leave. It demonstrates how hard it is for her to cook/clean/shop etc and look after a baby.

From another angle maybe your DSD just sees the abortion as something she would have to endure now rather than realising the enormity of labour and recovery at the end.

There is always adoption.

The animatronic baby is a good idea, teens (and the rest of us) hate being repeatedly woken at night

see your gp they can offer so much help and advice -you would be amazed how much help and support there is for teenage mothers, where i live there is a teenage pregnancy service/special ante natal classes/parenting courses for teens.

I can understand how you feel, but if she makes the decision to keep her baby you have to offer all the support and love that you can. it will be hard but as long as you make it clear that it is very much her responsibility and from the beginning make sure you dont do too much for her then it shouldnt come to the point where you effectively bring the baby up for her.

good luck

My neighbour when I was a child was pregnant at 14. All I can remember is being woken up every hour/two hours at night (thin flat walls) and it driving me crazy. Goodness knows what it was like for her to live it.

A suggestion if you can't get hold of one of those dolls is that you set an alarm every two hours and she has to do a set task, like clean a bottle, walk up and down the stairs etc so she gets more of a 'feel' of what it will be like. As it's half term she can do this for a couple of nights.

That might be a rubbish suggestion and I know when I was a teenager I'd be quite resistant to it and would probably think babies slept through the night but I think she may be young to be a parent but she is old enough for a bit of a reality check. Not in a mean way, but life isn't roses.

For what it's worth, I had a termination as a teenager and think it was the best decision I've ever made.

Good luck.

YANBU to feel shocked, and wish this hadn't happened, and wasn't the situation but YABU to put pressure on her to have a termination.

This must be so hard for you and DH, and you are right that it will impact on your family in lots of ways, but termination or not, it won't just go away and go back to normal. Really feel for you as it must be so hard.

I remember one of those BBC documentaries about teenagers was about girls who wanted to get pregnant (the program was where they went off in campers and investigated a different issue each week). One of the girls was desperate to get pg again after being encouraged/pressured into an abortion a year earlier - so, an abortion now may just create problems in the future unless it is what she really wants (and it sounds like it very much isn't).

Most regions/PCTs have a teenage pg advisor, there is usually a specialist MW for teen mothers in each area - you could ring your local MW for advice and contact details. I know our local sure start centre has groups and childcare for young mums. I think child care is paid for to allow young mums to return to education.

It sounds as though you have a least 6 months to get support in place and help DSD to prepare to parent this child herself, with your support.

Good luck at the GPs and with whatever decisions you all make.

This is one of my worst nightmares because the sound of a crying baby kicks off my anxiety disorder and mental health issues like nothing else.

I've already made it clear to my daughters, and they're little, that if they chose to have a baby they'll need to live somewhere else.

I literally could not live with that, I would wind up being sectioned, I really would.

I really feel for you. I got pregnant at 16 ... and I wish someone had given me all the information on abortions - I was so scared of what an abortion was and to go through with the pregnancy seemed the easier option.

I know several people have posted that so-and-so never got over having a 'forced' abortion when they were young but I have never got over have a baby when I was still a child. He is 20 (& at Uni) now and I still grieve for my lost childhood and I feel sad for him having such a young mum that wasn't equipped to have him. On a more positive note I did go back to college/Uni and have been a SW for 15 yrs (working with young pregnant teens!) ...so anything is possible.

You have had some good advice on here... this isn't the end of the world and you will all get through it. Connexions is a good place to start and they will know all about funding for childcare, parenting classes and such like. Good Luck

I feel so bad for you, what a difficult situation. I totally understand why you would want to encourage her to abort as that would be my first thought too. However, as others have said it could cause her a lot of mantal pain in future.

I would let her know that her life chances would be limited if she decideds to have the baby and that if she decides to have it, I would help out initially but by the time she is 18 she and the baby would have to move into their own home as it would not be fair for you to be the childs main carer, which will happen, if they stay with you.

If she believes she's old enough to be a mum, then she's old enough to live away from you, she can't have it both ways. If she moves out when she's 18 then she gets to keep the baby and you avoid being the babies mother.

You have had a lot of good advice already, but just wanted to add / reinforce a few things.

The important thing now really is getting her access to enough information to make a properly informed decision.

The doll things are a great idea
As is doing a bit of "mum experience" if you know someone with a baby
Your GP should be able to help with practical support. She will need counselling, but also you need to find out of there is any kin of residential scheme available. Also, you need to find out the implications for school.
I know that there are specialist teenage mother foster carers. I wonder if this might be an option if you really are adverse to helping her in the early days.
Some books might help her to get a better idea of what to expect. Having a look at some baby routines (Gina Ford, Baby Whisperer) might give her an idea of how much work to expect (especially GF, as it even prescribes when you can eat and drink!).

I hope tomorrow's scan goes well. Take care, and take good care of DSD. :)

I fell pregnant with DD when I was 15, had her just after I was 16. I too refused to listen to any talk of an abortion, as by that point, I had already made up my mind that it was akin to murder. (Not everybody's opinion, just saying, even young teens can have very strong views on those things). I was asked to leave my Mum's house, I went to live in a mother and baby unit. At the time, I hated my mum for 'abandoning' me. However, almost 13 years later, I can see why she did it. I had NO choice but to take responsibility for my decision to keep my baby, I had no choice but to get up in the night with DD, and I HAD to learn how to sho and care for a baby. The mother and baby unit was the best environment for me, they helped me to learn everything from simle first aid to budgeting.

I left school, granted, but was back at college quite quickly, using the on-site creche, and by the time DD was 15 months old, I was working. DD is now almost 13yo, and while I feel far too young to be dealing with teen tantrums, I feel proud of myself for doing so well with her. If you really are not happy with the thought of taking so much responsibility for your grandchild, then maybe it would be worth looking at mother and baby units, as it would save your sanity, and it would also force your DSD to be the responsible one when it comes to her child.

Having said that, I thought I was young! Maybe it might be worth putting it to her in such a way, ask your DSD what she would do when she is only 28/29 and her 14yo DD came to her telling her she was pregnant? See what she suggests then? Ask her how she would manage a situation when one of her brothers misbehaves...because her 'cute baby' will get older, and will misbehave.

The other thing is, seriously, leave any questions about the baby's father out of it for now, or your DSD will clam up and refuse to talk to you about any of it. It took me until my DD was 9 years old to tell my mum about DD's father. He was quite a lot older than me by 10 years, and it took me that long to realise he was weird for sleeping with a 15yo when he was 25. I just saw it as he was my boyfriend.

Good luck, whatever you do, but try and also see if there are some 'baby and bump' groups locally for her, aimed at teen mums. SS should have any details. OH and SS will HAVE to be informend anyway, because she is under 16yo.

I'm a bit chilled by the focus in some posts on not disrupting the op's life and on making sure the child knows 'what it's like' - the subtext being that will compell her to seek an abortion. An abortion is clearly one possible resolution and a very valid one - but it won't put the clock back and the op's daughter will have to live with it. It is vital that it is her decision that she reaches without being coerced. Yes she's 14 - but she has autonomy over her decisions. The only thing we know that she has said is that she has expressed an intention to care for her child and attend school. That's not an impossible ambition.

SGB had it spot on when she said that you don't know, none of us do, what the future has in store. The op's daughter needs love, support and information - not being woken up in the night so that she can suffer experience what 'it' is like. There is a huge difference between being woken at night for no particular reason and being woken by your child who needs you. I also seriously doubt that there's a mother on here who hasn't turned to another loving person in the middle of the night and said 'help' - partner, husband, mother, sister, friend - it's perfectly valid and it goes with loving someone. If someone you love chooses to have a child - then you get on with it and help them.

I would be unable, mental health wise, to help, Nothereis. Some people can't get on with it. DH got sterilised and I use the NuvaRing as well so we don't have any more babies.

So again, I've made it clear to mine that, like Loudlass, they'll be looking at mother and baby unit.

As far as financial help and all that, it's a really bad time to be becoming a single parent .

There's no 'subtext' in my post on making O's dsd have an abortion. I wouldn't have done it at 15yo, and I wouldn't do it now at nearly 30! Just on getting OP's DSD to focus (really focus) on the realities of having a child at such a young age. And it shouldn't have to disrupt the OP's life - the OP hasn't chosen to have another child!

And this is coming from a young teenage mum who had their DD at just 16yo. I honestly had no idea that babies woke up in the night - I just thought that you put them in their crib and they slept till morning. There is a huge difference between wanting a cute baby, and understanding the reality of having a real baby.