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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with FIL

192 replies

mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:13

IL's have the 2 dcs once a week for me to work. I am very grateful for this, always take them and pick them up on time, always say thank you for having them and dont really ask for any extra childcare (or very rarely).

Yesterday I picked up dcs and asked if they could do 2 days next week because I am taking my mum to see a show for her birthday. I am doing it in the shortest time possible (driving 3 hours to mums, then an hour to show, then staying over, then driving mum back home, then 3 hours home for me). They said ok.

Then this morning I had a txt saying 'you will have to find someone else for next week, please dont take us for granted in future' Hmm

I was initially really cross, but am now just upset that this txt will now cause bad feeling between us. DH has spoken to FIL and FIL says they love having the dcs but they didnt like that I had planned something and then asked them, if I had asked them before and then planned it they would be ok with it Hmm

So now I dont think I can take my mum away next week, not because the IL's are doing anything, but just because I didnt ask them the right way round!

OP posts:
Katisha · 28/09/2010 11:15

He is a miserable git. What sort of family dynamic does that create?
Can you get another babysitter?
YANBU.

anonacfr · 28/09/2010 11:16

I'm sorry if they were so annoyed that you were taking them for granted, why did they say yes to start with?

YANBU.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:18

I wouldnt have minded at all if theyd said 'sorry weve got something on' I dont expect them to be at my disposal 7 days a week! But they didnt they just wrote it in the diary and then he sent me that txt this morning.
He told DH he doesnt like feeling like he 'has' to have them, but 'of course we love having them' Hmm

Unless dh can take annual leave then my mum will be seeing Peter Kay on her own Sad

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 28/09/2010 11:21

Maybe they felt pressurised into taking the DC when you spoke to them yesterday?

You've just said that you actually don't have an alternative to the grandparents babysitting, so actually you WERE assuming that they would babysit for you and thus were taking them for granted.

Certainly here we wouldn't book anything without clearing with our potential babysitters first.

Katisha · 28/09/2010 11:22

Well I hope FIL is enjoying the view from what he evidently believes to be the Moral High Ground...

BlingLoving · 28/09/2010 11:22

Actually, I sort of can see his point. I'm assuming that if they'd said, "sorry, that's not convenient" you would have made alternative plans but from their point of view, they probably felt obligated to say yes as you'd made all these plans already.

We babysit for family and sometimes for friends relatively often. And generally, people will ask us BEFORE they make plans or they make it very clear that if we can't do it, that's fine as they have a back up plan in place in the form of paid-for babysitting or whatever. I'd be pretty upset if my SIL organised an evening out and I felt that their ability to attend the evening was dependent on me agreeing to babysit.

I would send him a text back saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. If it wasn't convenient for you I was going to ask [insert name] or pay [insert name] to do it but I should have made that clear. Thanks for all your help with the DC."

DuelingFanjo · 28/09/2010 11:23

It's pretty shitty of them to say it's ok and then send a stroppy text withdrawing the favour. Seeing as you don't make a habit of it it seems way over the top.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:24

yes I can see that redsky but I didnt really give it much though, ds1 will be in school all day and I am taking him before I go on Tuesday, and dh will be here to pick them up and have them overnight so I didnt envisage any real problems.
Maybe I was being a bit dull

OP posts:
switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 28/09/2010 11:27

Surely you booked the show ages ago? Why didn't you ask if it was ok then?

You are not asking your IL's to take the kids for an hour or two, you are asking them to keep them from (i assume) mid afternoon one day till at least lunchtime the next (is that right - you say your staying over?)

I think YANBU. Although if you really want to go I'm phone then up and apologise for taking them for granted.

Kewcumber · 28/09/2010 11:28

but what were you going to do if they were busy and you had already arranged it with your mum I never arrange to do anything that requires my mum to babysit until after I have asked her - its only polite and I do think one weeks notice isn't much I try to give my mum a month notice of anything palnned. If you had a back up plan then I think you can say to FIL that you weren;t taking them for granted only that they were your first choice and have an alternative if they didn;t want to do it. If you have no back up plan then you need to tell FIL (face to face) that you're sorry, that you were taking them for granted and you'd be very grateful if they could do it for you this once and you'll be sure to check with them first if the situation arises again.

FIL probably didn't want to say no to your face or was a bit taken aback that you were expecting them to be free on such short notice. Even if they have no life outside of your DC's they probably don;t like the idea that everyone knows that they have no life of their own.

I do sympathise but I think in this case you are being unreasonable - though if I were PIL I would back down once I'd made my point.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 28/09/2010 11:30

x posted. sorry its not overnight.

I'd still phone and apologise for not asking them before you booked it.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/09/2010 11:30

They sound as if they are a bit resentful tbh. I don't know why they've been like this, as it just sours the relationship in the future. I bet you now feel a bit funny about them looking after the DCs when you go to work. Different if you were asking for lots of childcare, but as a one off I think they have over reacted.

I would contact them and say that if they'd already had plans you would have understood, and of course they are under no obligation to do anything they don't want to do, but to agree and then send an abrupt text is both rude and hurtful. It was unnecessary.

Think I'd be looking into alternative childcare now, for the work days as well as for the trip.

MaryBS · 28/09/2010 11:30

I would try grovelling, apologising for taking them for granted. Say you won't do it again, but PLEASE could they help out because its not just you, its your mum. And then apologise again.

jeee · 28/09/2010 11:33

Your FIL obviously said yes, and then, as he thought about it, started to feel that he and your MIL were being taken for granted. In addition, they may also feel resentful that they work, whilst you take your mother out.

As they look after your DC every week, I think you need to apologise for taking them for granted - which you have, but not maliciously. I think I'd also accept that I couldn't use them for this instance, however awkward that is for you.

I'd really try and sort this out, because it's the kind of situation that can lead to a long-standing family feud.

CoronaAndLime · 28/09/2010 11:35

I think they may feel taken for granted tbh.

YA both BU. Fil for not talking about it face to face and you for being a bit thoughtles WRT your Pils feelings.

Just a though, but what did you and Dh do for your Pils birthdays?
Could your taking your Dm out to a show be making them feel a bit undervalued?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:39

i do love the fountain of knowledge that is MN Smile

I have just sent FIL a txt saying that Im sorry he felt I was taking them for granted and that Im very grateful for all they do with the boys and that I appreciate I shouldve asked them earlier.

jee i dont know why they would feel resentful, I see my mum about 3 times a year because she lives so far away, we usually go out for a meal with the IL's every other week as a family, and me and dh rarely go out.

I dont want there to be bad feeling but some of you are right, it could sour the relationship and thats why Ive sent the txt to try and make amends

OP posts:
diddl · 28/09/2010 11:39

TBH I´m with ILs on this.

I think it´s rude not to ask first & just assume-why would you do that?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:40

corona as I said we do things with the IL's that my mum never gets to see (kids concerts, family meals out etc) plus my mum is on her own since my father died last year so this was a special treat for her 65th birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:41

oh diddl I long for a thread where you actually come on and say something nice or constructive

OP posts:
jeee · 28/09/2010 11:42

The problem is, mosschops, they obviously do feel resentful. Obviously with the distances involved your Mum can't help care for your DC on a regular basis, but they may be feeling (however illogically) that they look after your DC, only to have you swan off to take your Mum out for a treat. And given that you obviously do need their help, it's really important that you try to take their feelings (even if they are illogical) into account. Best wishes with sorting everything out.

MmeLindt · 28/09/2010 11:42

You are being slightly unreasonable to book tickets and make arrangements without making sure they are available. I do see their point.

Their reaction was also unreasonable, if they had phoned and spoken to your DH to say that they are going to do it but they were a bit cross at not being asked first, then it would have been better.

They may not have wanted to say no in front of the DC.

Do you normally make a fuss over their birthdays?

CoronaAndLime · 28/09/2010 11:43

Hope you and your mum still manage to go, sounds like a fun day out x

diddl · 28/09/2010 11:43

Oh yes, I see that I´m the only one on here with that opinion.

MmeLindt · 28/09/2010 11:44

XPosted with your later posts.

Good on your for texting your FIL. That was the right thing to do.

Hope that they come around and help you out, so that your mum can have her treat.

lucky1979 · 28/09/2010 11:44

I suspect they've been feeling (rightly or wrongly) taken for granted for a while and it's just come out over this issue.

I would find alternative childcare, because I think if he's prone to spiteful little texts to make you feel guilty (and it's a shitty way of dealing with it even if you WERE taking him for granted) you're going to be forever dancing around him saying "Oh are you sure you don't mind? Really? Oh I'm SO grateful. You're an amazing help. So wonderful. Are you sure?" and frankly I couldn't be bothered with the level of pandering it sounds like he wants.